In a World of My Own

I can't quit now, this can't be right, I can't take one more sleepless night, Without you, without you

2012-01-24T01:35:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Glee Cast's Version of Without You

The problem with myself is that, when I care, I will put on a very high expectation on everything, especially on myself. I expect that I know how to handle things, how to give solutions, how to answer, how to say the right things, how to put a smile on his/her face, how to do everything right. How to make him/her happy.

And because of this, I notice that I tend to ruin everything.

I wish I don't expect too much.

If I broke your heart last night, It's because I love you most of all.

2012-01-22T00:10:00.003+08:00

Currently listening to Ryan Gosling's You Always Hurt the One You Love

You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all

* * *

“How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?”

"I think the only way you can find out is to have the feeling. You're a good person. You have the right to say I do trust. I do trust myself."

* * *

"I don’t know, I just feel like I should just stop thinking about it, you know, but I can’t. Maybe I’ve seen too many movies, you know, love at first sight. What do you think about love at first sight? You think you can love somebody just by looking at them? But the thing is man, I felt like I knew her, you ever get that feeling? Yeah, I probably don’t right…it felt like I did though. […] She just seems different, you know? I don’t know, I just got a feeling about her. You know when a song comes on and you just gotta dance?”

* * *

So I just watched this movie. And here's some lyrics, and quotes that I picked up. Particularly towards the start of their relationship.

The doubts. The faith. The illusions. The expectations. The outcome.

All comes down to that one feeling. All are depending on it.

Maybe one day I can be sure of all these myself.

To be honest, it sucks when the feelings go away. Especially when they aren't yours. So you're stuck. And watch another just take another step forward. And all you can do is to accept fate with all your heart.

Well.

It's about the perfect timing, that I can't even control. And about the right person. And with the right perfect reason. Then everything will just fit perfectly.

Feelings won't go away. The worst that could have happened would be, that it may get lost somewhere. But will be found back.

I'm praying, and I'm hoping.

For you I bleed myself dry, for you I bleed myself dry.

2012-01-21T01:43:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Coldplay's Yellow (the live version)

I have not been a good daughter. I can say that I am a bad one. Each day, for as long as I remember, there must be something that she does, or she says, that will just push that "rude button" and make me go crazy mad at her. Yes. That's me and my mom.

To be honest, my relationship with her is very odd. Like I said before, unlike my brothers, I don't show much love. Well that's me. I have my ways of showing some love, but indirectly. That's the sad part, because it takes a lot of effort in people to actually notice what I have for them. If they fail to notice, then they won't feel loved. By me.

Only now, I realize I am getting better at expressing, which is an achievement, I must say.

But I still suck at it. And this is what I do to everyone. Including my mom.

Hence why it's odd. We don't show much love. We don't hug often. Instead we fight. We can yell at each other. Back then when I was away, if we were to fight my dad has to take over the phone and ask us to take a breather, then he hung up.

And either one of us will only call back when we can think straight.When we were not mad anymore.

Then we were confused, on how do we get to that boiling point.

We criticize. We make fun of each other. Which is for a daughter? not so good. Sometimes I forgot that I have boundaries, hence the rude jokes. Thank God she was okay with it. Most of the times. So I am thankful for her 'coolness' when it comes to that.

We were like friends. We gossip. Almost about everything. Well sometimes she can be a sister that I never had.

I am thankful for that too.

But yeah, its a super roller coaster ride. She's unpredictable. And she affects me deeply. I can get migraine from being mad at her. And the whole day is ruined if I were to fight with her in the morning. But when we didn't fight? Most days were bright. She gave me that strength.

Sometimes I feel like she's the boyfriend I never had.

LOL. I know! But I always tell myself this, if I can handle her, then I am ready to handle someone else. aka. My husband... and my kids.

And she's the ultimate mom I am proud to have. The tough cookie. Forever so inspiring. Always so happy. A loving wife. A cool mom (most of the times, hehe). Always positive.

And she's not young anymore. Which I need to start appreciating her more often.

I know.
She carried me in her for 9 months.
She went through hell, she went through a lot of pain while delivering me out to this world.
She took risks... risks that affected her the whole life to make sure I wasn't flawed during delivery.
She raised me.
She does everything to make things right for me.
She is there. Always.

And yet, here I am, making her sad. Always making her mad. Always being so rude to her. Not making her smile.

I took her for granted.

So now I vow to myself.

I won't take her for granted anymore.

I will try to lessen the fights. And make her smile more.

I will do anything for her. And I will prove that.

I love you, Ibu.

It is really something, I'm confused, Saw it at my window, in a dream of you

2012-01-17T23:19:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to Great Northern's Warning

Since I started working, I know that the joy of working won't last.
I know what I have been lacking; passion.
And I've been looking for it. Tried to really get into it.
And I failed.

Tried it again, and failed. Miserably.

I thought I have lost hope. But then I realized.

I can always find other reasons why I am willing to go through what I am going through everyday.
Maybe I lack of passion. Yes. But that will not stop me.
Maybe it is harder to go through this, as many would say "Do what you love then everything will get easier"

But all I know is that, I am not a quitter. I can't quit at least not now. Not yet.
And yeah, I am not sure if I can say I am doing what I love. But I am 100% certain to say "I am doing this for the people/things I love".

I'll rise and shine.

2012-01-15T13:15:00.000+08:00

Never. I don't remember myself feeling terrified once before. Like how I feel now.

Its always like "I'm scared" but it was never "I'm terrified".

O Allah, from You I ask for a stronger heart. Amin.

I will turn things around. I must.
To start with, I need positive posts. Stuff to keep my mind off things.

I won't give up on us, Even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up

2012-01-04T14:01:00.001+08:00

Currently on repeat: Jason Mraz's I won't give up

Quite a number of my friends have love on their card this year. Alhamdulillah :)
Me? Haha I don't know.

I have a lot to learn. Be it about love, or about myself even.

I'll take baby steps on this.

Things have been pretty rough. It was not a smooth start. But I'll keep on trying. and I'll keep on hoping.

Patience. and Hope. I need them.

I won't give up.

2011-12-31T23:18:00.001+08:00

2012

A new pair of spectacles, so the eyes can see clearly

A new set of stuff for a good care of my hands

A new set of "Finding Mr Bright", to feed my confidence & optimism

And the One Thing to search for the lost heart, and the lost soul.

Maybe this time, I'll get out of the cycle?

InsyaAllah. One can always hope, yes? :)

Whatever it is, I still need to find something for my skin.

Goodbye, 2011.

And hello, 2012.

2011-12-30T19:20:00.001+08:00

I really need to learn to let go.

1 resolution for 2012, perhaps?

Are you lost or incomplete? Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece? Tell me how do you feel?

2011-12-25T01:55:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Coldplay's Talk

I am a broken record. I know. But I am still posting this.

You know, as you grow older, what you want is simple - to appreciate life. You want to smile more than you frown. To laugh more than you cry. To see every good thing in everyone and in everything. To talk about more happy stuff rather than complaining all the time. To be doing something you love. To feel that satisfaction you've been imagining since you were small. To have more certainties about the future. To have less drama in life. To feel contented. To tick off those stuff on your bucket list.

But as I grow older. I don't know if I smile more. I know that I cry a lot. I feel that everything is damaging myself; my self-confidence, self-worth. I complain more. I know I am not doing what I love. I seldom feel satisfied. I created more dramas in my life. And yes, I don't know if I ticked-off anything on my bucket list. Wait, do I even have one? Okay.

I see everything is a bitch;

Life is a bitch.

Timing is a bitch.

Reality is a bitch.

Cupid is a bitch.

I am a bitch.

You are a bitch.

I can see every aspect of my life is ripping apart, one by one.

I don't feel like I have been appreciated.

I don't feel like I have been treating people the way they should be treated.

I don't feel like I have given my best in doing my responsibilities.

I suppressed my feelings more.

I feel hurt. I hurt people.

I've been stupid.

I am not constantly reminded. Although I do put up some self-reminders for myself. Brain just refused to sink them I guess. I forget a lot too.

This year, I took a detour. I concentrated only on one aspect of my life, and somehow the rest all were left behind.. and that's how everything fall apart.. I think. Or maybe the 'effects' from my past decisions just starting to pull me back too. I need to really think about this through and through.

I wish I know how to deal with all these. Been telling myself to take it slow. But everything else is moving too fast so yeah. I'm stuck.

I know I really need to act fast. To change things is a bit too late, so I really have to find ways to make do. To make things easier for me, before I took that drastic move.

But first, I need to learn to love myself. I need to bring out the sunshine in me.

2011-12-21T21:44:00.002+08:00

Maybe if I gamble, I'll be terrible at it.

I bet. If a gambler knows, or have a feeling that he will not win at the end, he'll just stop. Maybe he'll try another day, or just go to another different game.

But here I am. I am in a game, and I am gambling. Even when I know I am losing. I am pretty sure of it. I am at the losing end at least. Or probably I already lost the game.

I am still trying to win it. I am holding on to the hope that is most likely be false. A false hope.

I don't know. To say that I'll win a jackpot sounded like an overstatement.

Maybe to me, it is a jackpot. Well yeah. It is.

Go do, you'll know how to, Just let yourself, fall into landslide

2011-12-12T21:31:00.000+08:00

Currently on repeat: Jonsi's Go album

You always know how to carve a smile on my face. A genuine one.

Well thank you, Jonsi.

I am hopeful.

Amin.

I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it, even if I did I don't know if I will quit but I doubt it, I'm taken by the thought of it.

2011-12-07T11:56:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Ne-yo's Because of You

My travelling wallet was abandoned til last week.
Cuz finally I get to fly to the Borneo! Okay can tick that off my bucket list. I know, I am proud to be Malaysian, but so not proud of the fact that I've never been to certain places in Malaysia like Sabah, Sarawak, Kelantan & Terengganu. Boo Hoo.

Anyway let's save the KK journey for next time shall we? Back to my story...

While waiting for boarding time, I was going through that travel wallet. I forgot that I've been keeping some of my 'memories' there; like flight tickets, movie tickets, theater tickets, rugby tickets, concert tickets, my EFTPOS, my stamp cards for bubble teas, smoothies and coffees (or in my case is chocolate - I'm more of a chocolate person), some 'butterflies' from the Coldplay concert... pretty much it sums up the things I did when I was in NZ.

So I was excited and all the memories kept on rushing back in. Feels like I traveled thru time for a bit.

And my mom, being the mother started to point out how I can strive better in Uni if I don't play around too much. I agree with her. I mean c'mon, I know I can do better, definitely. If I pay attention more and if I put more passion into it. To me I've tried working hard for it, but I admit that I lack of passion when it comes to things I study back in Uni.

I paused for awhile. Then I realised something else. And I told her one thing

"Well Ibu, for me it was time well spent."

I don't know. I know that I could've done better at Uni cuz I was this one annoying ambitious freak.

But I never regret how I spend my time over there. All these memories I have.

They're my most prized possessions when I'm living in NZ.

And to this date, I feel so blessed to graduate within my expected time to graduate. heh.

Alhamdulillah.

Next week is graduation week again. So I'm feeling more nostalgic than ever. Have I talked about stuff we do on the graduation week back in 2008? I can't recall. If I haven't maybe I will :)

Cause ever if my heart should break, You'd be the best mistake I ever made

2011-12-01T22:33:00.001+08:00

Still I have, in my eyes, Still I have forever.

2011-11-22T12:23:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Dewa's Aku Cinta Kau & Dia

I know Suppression is unhealthy.
But please, let me have it. Just for a little bit longer.
I can't afford to blow up for now.

Please?

Amin.

Memories, maybe beautiful and yet, what's too painful to remember? We simply choose to forget...

2011-11-22T00:01:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Barbra Streisand's The Way We Were

This song is like my parents' fave. And it becomes mine too.
It was made for a movie of the same name; starring Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand herself.
The movie that my mom made me watch. The movie that made me have a lil crush on Robert Redford. He's Brad Pitt of his time. Or Brad Pitt is Robert Redford of his time. lol.

However the story line is sad though. Well that time I remembered watching, and then getting a little angry because it turned out to be that way.. and that's it. My mom said she cried watching the movie. Well.. I didn't.

Anyway. So my mom loves to play this song on her Galaxy Tab. She has Streisand's version and the Barry Manilow's version. I think its Barry Manilow's.

Ah well.

Usually it'll be played back to back, from one to another. Starting with the men's version, then the women's. And surprisingly... the Streisand's version will start playing in a loop. Like my mom put it on repeat. According to my mom she downloaded it once. And she doesn't know how to set a song on repeat.

LOL. I find that funny. I remembered once it was played for 4 times! I swear after that I can sing word by word. And imagine myself singing like Streisand. LOL.

So last weekend, there was just me, my mom and my dad in the car, on the way home from Kedah.

And that song was picked and my parents were like "Farah, its your fave!"

As usual, I got excited, and started to sing to the song.

But this time? Rather than playing the song over and over the Galaxy Tab decided to hang itself... and the song stopped altogether.

And til we reached home we can't turn it back on.

LOL I guess the Galaxy Tab had enough.

Anyhoo. It is really a sad song :'(

2011-11-21T23:52:00.001+08:00

2011-11-21T05:07:00.001+08:00

2011-11-18T15:20:00.001+08:00

2011-11-15T16:34:00.001+08:00

“I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart. That's how it is with us. It's a shame, Kath, because we've loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can't stay together forever.”

― Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go

It's been a long time since I came around, been a long time but I'm back in town, this time I'm not leaving without you

2011-11-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Lady Gaga's You and I

There are a lot of times I think I feel numb. Like I don't feel sad, nor happy. I feel indifferent.
Actually I think that is because I choose not to feel, although I don't like it. Like I am blocking my own feelings. Not letting my emotional self getting to me. I find its easier to control everything without too much emotions.

That, is my definition of 'feeling numb'.

But somehow it makes you wonder.
Is it possible not to feel anything at all? Like you want, you choose to feel something, it's just that you can't. Or more like, you are unsure of what you feel. It doesn't feel like contentment. It doesn't feel like sadness. It doesn't feel like anything familiar really.

Is that feeling of nothingness? Maybe.
And for how long can you feel this way?

How do you get to this point anyway?

My best intentions keep making a mess of things, I just wanna fix it somehow, but how many times will it take, to get it right?

2011-11-02T21:40:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Glee Cast's Get it Right

O, morning without warning like a hole and I watch you go

2011-10-30T11:04:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Joanna Newsom's Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie

Here I am
Untying all the nasty knots
Covering all the loop holes
Well basically trying to make things right

...again

Back to square one I guess.

2011-10-24T12:31:00.000+08:00

The bitchiest of the bitches :)

p/s: only we can call each other that

and at once I knew I was not magnificent. High above the highway aisle (Jagged vacance, thick with ice), I could see for miles, miles, miles

2011-10-24T02:17:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Bon Iver's Holocene

Maybe a stubborn person like me will learn everything the hard way.

But the thing is, I wonder when will I ever get used to it?

Every time. You'll feel you have hit rock bottom - the lowest of the low, then you stand up. Then you go on. Then you'll stumble again. Then you realize this is the even lower than what you thought "the lowest of the low". So you'll feel like you are drowning... for awhile. Then you somehow find ways to get back up.

Then you go on, only to find that you stumble again in no time. And you'll go even lower.

Ergo I would say, probably, never. Never will I ever get used to it.

p/s: I am definitely clumsy :P

Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay? Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?

2011-10-17T21:35:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to Ellie Goulding's The Writer

Just a really wild thought.
Sometimes I do wonder,
Will my husband-to-be get to meet my grandparents? Both sides, my dad's and my mom's.

But I know I can't wait to introduce him to them.

p/s: I know its a bit weird to be talking about someone non-existent. haha. Like I said, just a really wild thought :P

Just for once, would you let me be the one?

2011-10-17T21:03:00.003+08:00

Currently listening to Midnight Youth's Just for Once

At the first sign of winter's cold I took your hand in mine

At the first sign of autumn leaves you took these eyes and made them shine

Just for once...

Would you let me be the one? Would you let me be the one?

At the first sign of summer's sun we sat down, watched those waves
But at the first sign of bad weather you left me searching again

And I wish just for once...

We'd be out of our minds, we'd risk all we could ever know
We'd be running so fast, god couldn't set us to stone
Would you let me be the one? Would you let me be the one?

On the night of our lives you saw straight through these pair of lies
And you gave me the keys to your car and we drove off for miles and miles
And we looked out on those city lights and we shouted out, to the stars

Just for once...

We'd be out of our minds, we'd risk all we could ever know
We'd be running so fast, god couldn't set us to stone

Would you let me be the one? Would you let me be the one?

I wish just for once, I wish just for once, I wish just for once, let me hold you love
Let me be, let me be the one

Just for once...

Just stop & listen to your tears, they're all you've got.

2011-10-17T12:24:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Britney Spears' Someday I Will Understand

Sometimes I feel that I should stop blogging, since I realized what was written here goes to show that I have not grown up - I am still stuck in a cycle I don't remember making.

Maybe life is like that - a vicious cycle. Only the types of the problem changes, or keeps on adding up to the pile.

I also realized that I used to be more chirpy before. And as I grow older, everything becomes dark. I don't see the light anymore. I don't find much fascination in a lot of things.

...or maybe, I stopped looking? hurm.

But blabbing here does make me feel better.

Okay I wanna try again. Let's find something to get fascinated and amused about.

For I still believe that I am one easily amused person.

I should not stop blogging. But I should change my mindset.

Life is about trying, and keep on trying again.

p/s: don't you just love that penguins GIF. makes me miss my penguins - Aqilah & Ain :) They're one awesome bunch I tell you.

The bittersweet between my teeth, Trying to find the in-between, Fall back in love eventually, Yeah yeah yeah yeah

2011-10-12T23:48:00.001+08:00

Currently on repeat: Naked & Famous' Young Blood

"Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first, sometimes, the first thing you want never comes"

Aqualung's Strange & Beautiful

So I have been wanting it so much that I am not getting anything.

Allah wants us all to be patient. To wait for it. To endure it. To learn from it.

Well good things come to those who wait.

So let's stop being so greedy. And just learn to accept. Shall we?

You can't always get what you want.

and my knees are weak, and my mouth can't speak. Fell too far this time

2011-10-12T21:22:00.000+08:00

Currently playing Sugababes' Too Lost in You

I am twenty three this year. And turning seventeen in 2012.

Like really.

Maybe I am a really late bloomer.

Oh, I don't like the way I never listen to myself, I feel like I'm on fire and too shy to cry for help, Oh, I don't think you owe me much at all

2011-10-10T00:24:00.001+08:00

Currently on repeat: Ellie Goulding's This Love (will be your downfall)

So I got myself this.

Always wonder if I could finish books like these. Let's see.

And perhaps I'll be more in touch with that softer part of myself?

Anyway, I like love letters. Be it the kuih (I know, it's lame! :P) or the real ones.

I wish you bluebirds in the spring, To give your heart a song to sing, And then a kiss, but more than this, I wish you love

2011-10-06T21:00:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to: Rachael Yamagata's I Wish You Love

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love.

Secret heart,What are you made of? What are you so afraid of? Could it be Three simple words, Or the fear of being overheard, What's wrong? Let em' in on your secret heart

2011-10-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Feist's Secret Heart

Maybe some won't understand this but I am one of those who love to date myself (Well I am like so in love wei that I just can't get enough of me, so I just have to date myself! haha ookkayyyy...) actually I guess its because I've been spending too much time alone that I enjoy every second of it. I am comfortable with just sitting down somewhere and watch people. Or reading magazines. Or have a meal. Without having anyone to talk to.

I don't know. Maybe because at times I get tired of expectations from others. To think what you should or should not say, or what you should or should not do. I know especially when I'm comfortable with someone, I tend to just say or do whatever I want. I may sound very boastful when I'm with them, or just simply pure annoying. I can be very mean too. And the worst part is that, I sometimes don't even remember that I did all those. I became too ignorant with the other person's feelings. I came out a bit off.

So yeah. Its good that I get to do something with zero expectation from anyone. Its all me.

I can take my own sweet time doing whatever I want.

Back then when I was still studying, I get to go out alone. I get to have my coffee and read magazine at the coffee shop. I get to do my beading at the bead shop. I get to go out late at night playing with the swing at Queens Wharf. Even at 1am. I get to walk along the wharf to the Oriental Bay at night. I get to sit down and enjoy the surrounding, enjoying the ocean and sink in all my thoughts away. I get to have my Kafee Eis Gelatos, or Wendy's Ice cream in the afternoon. Or brunch at Simply Paris, or my dose of Scopa's hot choc. Or beignet or pies at Sweet Mother's Kitchen. I get to have my picnic at the Botanical Garden and read my book, or write something in my journal. I get to have my sushis at Midland Park and just watch people.

Sadly I never been to the cinemas alone back there. But I get to do it here so that's fun too.

Now, I get to do my lunches alone, or my quick-shopping. Or driving alone. Or train rides alone. Sometimes I pay a visit to a bookstore and spend time there browsing. And yes I watched a movie alone, once. But now is different. Now, I do that in between of doing other stuff. Meaning I have to rush. Then I have my parents whom always reminding myself that its dangerous out there. I have their rules to follow by. Know what? I can't watch movies alone anymore. They won't let me. Well I don't blame them. I blame these crazy people who do bad crazy things to others. Psycho freaks and all. When I walk alone too, I'll be paranoid. I'll look around checking out, making sure I'm safe.

Its not fun anymore. So I want all those alone time back!

The closest to fun is my time at Little White Cafe. But I rarely go there. I think for this year, I went there alone just twice; once for breakfast and another one for tea. But that's good enough. I felt the contentment after that. So that's good :)

I am not the type who wants to be out all the time. I appreciate time at home too. Even though I have nothing to do, it is still fun. My freedom to me is only that, I get to do things all by myself. Since I have so much limitations, cuz I am still under my parents care, I have to obey them. So I don't have much time to go out. And of course, I'll prioritize meeting people more. With the thought "oh well. I can squeeze in my time alone". So yeah.

But sometimes, having so much limitations is sickening. Up to the point I wish I have someone who'd wanna do stuff with me all the time. Just one person. Who can synchronize his/her time so we get to do almost everything together. Who can take off the expectations on me, and be with me. Although I am a pain in the ass. Well the problem is that, I am awkward, so I tend to hurt people. I don't know how to deal with them sometimes. So not everyone can stick by me.

Again. I miss my freedom. Le sigh.

Just another thought. maybe I should start re-defining freedom. Anyway alone time now is very precious now too. Close to not getting any. And I should be learning to be with others more. then I'll know how to cope with them. Yes? I hate myself for being so awkward sometimes. So I know, I should be doing something about it.

And I can't keep on hurting them. I have to stop.

And now that you've taken me up so high, Don't let me down..Don't let me down.

2011-10-03T13:37:00.000+08:00

Currently on repeat : Corinne Bailey Rae's Paris Nights/New York Mornings

Joel & Clementine - Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

We are fated to meet. And we are fated to stay.

And no matter what we do to erase each other from both of our lives,

If we are meant to be. We'll meet again. And again. And again.

Just like Joel & Clementine.

2011-09-29T22:40:00.001+08:00

Continuing from the breakfast talk with family.

There's a series of talks, or just some alone-time thinking, that summed up whatever I am going to blog about now.

Yes, once before, I shared one conversation with one of my dearest friends, that she said this

"I don't know. I just cannot see myself in like... you know... around 2013?"

- I rephrased it :P Hello, I can't remember her exact words!

Anyway. To be honest, that was the first time I heard someone said that. And it got me into thinking at that time, where do I see myself then? Until when, what year I can see myself? How far is it from now?

I am not too sure of what got me confused; the fact that I don't know the answer myself, or the fact that I never thought asking myself that particular question before.

To go back several years back, back in schooling-I-am-very-ambitious days. Well, I do have a plan. Like I laid out my path clearly. Where do I wanna be, where am I going to work at, as what, what car I'll be driving, what kind of house am I going to be living in, with who, etc.

Okay it wasn't that detail. Although, it does sounded like.. it is.

Of course, through out the years, those 'details' change. Like I know now I don't wanna be living in an apartment because I want a lawn or a backyard, and I don't think I can afford a mini cooper by the time I'm 30. Oh one more thing, being someone's wife is a part of my plan now. Haha I know, for shame! Why? Because initially I somehow forgot to put that in! okay malu.

But yeah. I do have a plan. But still, that doesn't mean I can put "up to what year I can see myself". If you get what I mean. I never plan that far I guess.

And to be honest, quite a lot of things in that 'imaginary list' (or do I write it down somewhere? hurm.. gotta look for it) changed, or changing, or in consideration to be changed. Hence why I actually need to sit down and 'update & amend' that plan.

Come to think of it, maybe a time traveler, or a psychic who can see themselves far away to the future. Ambitious ones, they have a plan, they can see themselves far. Quite a visionary yes, but still everything is a blur. For me to tell myself I can see it is... scary. Don't you think so? What if it won't go as planned?

I know. Focus on the present. Dream of the future.

I guess everyone gets scared. Those who can only see themselves in a shorter distance, should think of it this way - well. There's always a fun way to paint a blank canvas. Yes? Don't worry if you can't see it now, cuz slowly you'll see it. Clearer than those who have planned. And sometimes it is even better to surprise yourself. Cuz when you realize there is so much to change from the old plan, that's when you get terrified.

And from our breakfast talk, Ibu said this

"Well for me, I keep on praying so Allah will let me raise you all. Until you're big enough, then He is free to take me."

And she always reminded us that we can pray for longevity, because by then we can devote ourselves more to Him.

Well then. I like what she said. Something I keep on reminding myself. Whatever it is, always fear that you may not have enough time to repent, and to set things right and to appreciate life as how you should.

There's more to this whole one week thoughts. But its becoming more private than this that I shall just keep them to myself. Heh.

2011-09-28T10:03:00.001+08:00

FM: .. You know. Some people just cannot see themselves; what they're gonna do and all in certain number of years.
MAR: So can you see yourself... when you're 80?
FM: hmm.. To be honest ibu, I always see the younger version of myself. Never see the older version of myself. Oh maybe I'll become a vampire - I'll be immortal!
MAR: ...
LA: well, Man always see that Abang nanti Ada anak, Firdaus Ada anak.. And Kak Ngah jadi vampire wannabe!
...

Gotta love the breakfast talk. I love my family.

Although the conversation sounded merapu, actually the end of it got me thinking. I'll continue tonight, hopefully :)

And I have sense to recognize but I don't know how to let you go.

2011-09-28T00:17:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Sarah McLachlan's Do What You Have to do.

1. Well its easier to lead your own life by having guidelines or rules or principles or setting limits to yourself, yes?
2. But maybe this is just me, but I realised expectations come when you put some limits, or make rules and have principles to follow by.
3. Here's the simplest example. Like when you know you have to be nice to people, and yes, you are nice to people. So because of that you want to be treated nicely too. See? there, expectation.
4. Frankly to say living without expectations is not accurate too. Because I also believe we need a little expectations to drive you. To want to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
5. So to live with minimal expectations. That's the hard part.
6. All I need now is to have balance.

To have rules & principles to follow by, but not to tie every little detail of life with them
To keep on giving, and not hoping for returns. When you achieve something, you give more.
To not being too ambitious. Maybe I can start with accepting that 'achieving is already the reward'.
So what if you get shit from trading your gold? Just get on with it. Turn that shitty feeling into contentment by turning back to Him. Keep on praying.

Well, I keep on telling this to myself. But so far nothing works. So I am trying a different perspective on how I can tell myself not to expect so much. For I am a human who think too much. Le sigh.

2011-09-26T00:03:00.002+08:00

The first to get engaged. Like I told them earlier, we could say that we are on the right track; the eldest of all got engaged first (and InsyaAllah, will be the first to marry someone! aminn). So if we were to follow birth dates, I'll be the second from the last person. Woop woop! no pressure for me, but with that I'm putting Aqilah under so much pressure now do I? hehe.

Anyhoo, Nonie, like I've said almost everywhere I guess? congratulations girl! you look absolutely gorgeous on your special day, and everything else is just so puurrrdddyyy! And its nice to finally get to meet your then BF and now fiancee, and hopefully we get to know him better before the big day. No more keeping him from us! :P

haha. okay. As if I'm engaged, and sharing the story of my engagement with Palie & Qilah, :P

But I love this photo none the less.

I miss being with them.

You never really can fix my heart.

2011-09-23T21:28:00.001+08:00

Currently on repeat: Demi Lovato's Fix a Heart

It's probably what's best for you
I only want the best for you
And if I'm not the best, then you're stuck

I try to sever ties and I,
Ended up with wounds to bind
Like you're pouring salt in my cuts

And I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can't bandage the damage,
You never really can fix a heart

Even though I know what's wrong,
How can I be so sure
If you never say what you feel, feel?

I must have held your hand so tight,
You didn't have the will to fight
I guess you needed more time to heal

Baby I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart

You must be a miracle walker,
Swearin' up and down,
You can't fix what's been broken, yeah
Please don't get my hopes up, no no
Baby, tell me how could you,
Be so cruel?

It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts

Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart
Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start

'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart
Oh no no no no
You never really can fix a heart
Oh no no no no
You never really can fix heart

You never really can fix my heart

T_T

2011-09-17T18:06:00.003+08:00

It has been a very emotional week.
And the suck-iest part is that, nothing could distract me from it.

No matter what I do, it keeps on coming back to me.

Well thank you self. Now to think of how I can get over it.

kau bukan milikku, dan engkau pun tahu, kau bukan milikku.

2011-09-13T07:36:00.000+08:00

Currently on repeat : Yuna's Penakut.

At one point of time, I know everyone would have this thought to at least cross their mind:

1. Wishing that they could turn back time. So they could do things differently, or even, just to experience it another one more time.
2. Wishing things were simpler than ever. No complications, no challenges, just a simple path.
3. Wishing that its easy to say whatever we want to say. No holding back, no hurting anyone, just acceptance and words are just, words.
4. Wishing to just grab whatever we want. Just get it. You don't have to consider other people, or the surroundings, or any other factors that hold you back. Just follow your heart and reach for the things you desire in life.
5. Wishing how things were different. Maybe you are not what you are now, maybe you are doing something else for a living, or you are just a different person altogether.

I know. The what-ifs. Ungrateful thoughts. I hate myself whenever these crossed my mind somehow, because, I don't really feel the guilt for having them. I just let myself think, and wonder, and dream about them.

I guess its just natural.

All you have to do is to remember that, Allah have greater things for you, Allah have faith in you that He gave you whatever you have now. Keep believing that everything happened for a reason. And your life is gonna turn out to be great, no matter what you're going through. You are strong enough to be in the situation you are in now. Everything is just a test, and all you have to prove to Him is that, you have enough faith and love for Him that you keep on heading up on the straight path.

On a random note, I was at Yuna's DFP concert last night. It was spectacular. Just a simple setting, no special effects or gimmicks. Just Yuna, her band, and us. It felt personal, I guess the set list that she made for us, how she chose what to sing and the sequence of it. Its like a story.

And her version of penakut this time, is the best. Always have been my favorite anyway. Ehe. Any version of this song will definitely be my favorite. And decorate too. I think both songs was delivered beautifully. And she almost made me cry!

Actually all of her songs are awesome. I guess especially for girls, they can relate to all of them kot. Haha. Maybe thats why we all love her songs. Other than her beautiful voice, the beautiful composition and the music and the melody I mean.

I can't stop listening to Penakut now. Damnnnn.

Okay better get ready for work!

It's got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real

2011-09-07T01:17:00.000+08:00

This. Wow.
Thanks Zaty :)

Sweet dreams are made of this, Who am I to disagree?, Travel the world and the seven seas, Everybody's looking for something

2011-09-05T21:50:00.003+08:00

Currently listening to Emily Browning's Version of Sweet Dreams (are made of this). From Sucker Punch's OST.

I am so blessed to have all of them to celebrate Eid with. Alhamdulillah =)

p/s: maybe I'll blog more. If I feel like it :P

2011-09-02T23:51:00.001+08:00

When everything fails, I shall remember her, and her smiles, laughs, funny stories. You know she has gone through so much, and yet she's nothing but unbelievably happy, and positive all the time.

One of the most determined, and strongest woman I know.

And I feel so blessed that I get to meet her this time. To see her after 5 long years. Terubat rindu.

Alhamdulillah. Raya has been awesome so far :)

p/s: can't wait for the next time. and from what I heard, there's a chance that she'll get her eyesight back. Let's keep on praying for her that she will one day :)

2011-08-30T00:41:00.001+08:00

May you all have a blessed Eid

Forgive me for all the wrongdoings I've done, be it direct or indirectly

Eid Mubarak everyone!

Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste, and it all revolves around you.

2011-08-28T08:52:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman's Come What May

I don't know. I don't feel like I look forward for Raya.
And my raya-to-do-list is still freaking long.
I don't make new baju kurungs either. They're all the ones I made this year, but worn at least once to the weddings. Don't feel like making another one so yeah.

But finally added on one kain to match with my grandmother's old kebaya. So I am definitely looking forward to wear that one!

Well at least this year I feel a bit more rajin to help out in the kitchen. So that's a good start yes?

Anyhoo. I miss raya-ing in Wellington. Somehow.

And this is random, but I really need to do another round of self reflections this holidays.

2011-08-25T07:29:00.002+08:00

hotness.

Setulusnya aku, akan terus menunggu, menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu.

2011-08-25T00:41:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Padi's Menanti Sebuah Jawaban

Absence makes the heart grows fonder.

Well, it all started with familiarity. The key is to make time.

2011-08-21T22:52:00.000+08:00

This

and this

She's amazing. I wish I am there to watch her perform live. That was simply breath-taking don't you think? She's such an inspiration. She's gone thru so much, and made a kick-ass come back. It was all worth the wait, and for her to choose herself earlier of the year is brilliant. After all, she's my fave out of all stars that came out of Disney Channel. Don't think that I'll stop listening to her. Since first album, and the third is coming out soon. Can't wait!

2011-08-21T18:59:00.002+08:00

I believe

Everytime you put your thoughts into words, whatever you feel at the point when you have the thoughts are channeled and somehow 'documented' as well. Even the story that comes together with how the thoughts are first derived, would be 'imprinted' into the words too.

And supposed, whoever reading it will understand and perceive the whole writing the same way on how the thoughts are written.

It is like lyrics of a song that you came across. Although its a well known fact that they are up to your own interpretation; how you want the whole story to be when you read the lines, still I believe that when you read/heard of it the first time, those feelings and story you came up with, are what the lyricist felt and try to project in the lyrics.

Maybe its not all the time correct especially when the lyricist decided to tell you the story behind it, and turns out it didn't match with ur story. But often it is true. Its the same. Or at least when the story teller refuses to share, then its the common interpretation would most likely be 'the story'.

And sometimes (if not all the time), if the thoughts are about someone, that particular someone will somehow get the feeling that those words are for him/her.

So, does it makes any sense? I mean my theory. Make sense? No?

Cuz I wonder. Sometimes when I read friends' 'documented thoughts', I do get that feeling. As if those words were meant for me. But I am not sure how far is the truth of this theory. And I don't know if others felt the same when they read my 'documented thoughts'.

So what if its true?

Got all these words, can't waste them on another, So I'm straight in a straight line running back to you, yeah.

2011-08-16T20:09:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to OneRepublic's All This Time
been listening to them lately :)

Today. I googled my screen name up. It is kind of embarrassing, but who doesn't do that? Plus, there's a reason for it. Which is another story that I don't feel like explaining tonight - I'm sleepy already :P

So yeah. I googled myself up. But I am glad I did. You wanna know why? Because today I discovered something about myself.

Got one extra link down there. It was from that tap tap tap Camera+ blog. You know, that iPhone app I used to take photos and I share it with the world through the site called "mostly365"

Have I mentioned about mostly365 before? Ah tak ingat.

Anyway.

Apparently SEVERAL MONTHS back, way back in APRIL (my birthday month!), there has been one competition on using the new feature in that app, which is "Clarity".

The pics are chosen by the developer of the app, cum a popular photographer, Lisa Bettany

And guess what? I DIDN'T WIN. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I ENTERED THE COMPETITION. LOL.

BUT I GOT AN HONORABLE MENTION! ...along with tons of other people.

See?

And I don't care if the rest got them too, their pictures are all nice! Check it out yo.

MY first ever honorable mention! Maybe will be the only one. But I don't care about that too. The thing is, a famous photographer notice my photo!

Showed it to my parents. And my mom was like "yes, Ayah and Luqman, I think you all should consider changing your hobbies or something...". My dad doesn't wanna believe me at first, but he can't deny that he likes my photo too.

LOL. Definitely the highlight of my day :D wheee. Well this past few weeks I realised that I've been lucky. Which is rare to be honest. But what the hell right? Celebrate it! Because,

Other than this discovery, I have another surprising news: I entered a competition on Cleo, which you have to text answers to some number. AND I ACTUALLY WON THIS:

The old and new Harajuku Lovers "Love". Well I had "Music" (far right) since ages ago :P

Apart from the two cute dolls, I also got Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B perfume, but I gave that to Nana cuz I know she loves it.

Despite the fact that other parts of my life sucked, I think I am still blessed with good stuff too. Allah is fair. Alhamdulillah.

By the way, they've been showering me with stuff too:

Love em to bits!

Which reminds me. I haven't blog about our trip down to Muar. Will post that one soon!

When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over. When everything is out, you gotta take it in.

2011-08-15T20:56:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to OneRepublic's Good Life

Its snowing in Wellington!

I remembered asking people if it snows over there, and they said no, in fact, they gave me one good explanation why. So I never question and accept the reasoning as it is. Well, we got hails quite frequent so that kinda substitute the no-snow in Welly. Frosting on the floor is normal over there too.

Plus its already August. We should be entering Spring already, where everything is perfect. The just-nice, no-need-to-wear-thick-layer-of-clothes weather. We can wear sunnies too cuz the sun is shining oh-so brightly. Then flowers everywhere.

Then today comes. My eyes were like O_O. Never thought it would be possible!

Heard its because of the Polar Blast that hits NZ once in every 50 years. Wow. And I missed that once in 50 years thing. Guess my luck has run out for this month!

Can't help myself but to start browsing over http://www.stuff.co.nz/ for videos and more coverage on this matter, and after so long only now I get myself back into that site. Its been a while since I do that!

Ah made me miss Wellington even more. Suddenly I am imagining myself in my room back in Maurice Terrace, with the smell of the old house, and snowing outside. Then I will walk down to Cuba, and have the best ever Scopa's hot chocolate and enjoy the view! Then definitely Aqilah, Ain and I would go out and have some cool pics together. Knowing us. Plus, we're penguins remember?

Them Crooked Penguins - I know its lame. But I don't care :P

Although this penguin doesn't really like the snow. Well, I guess that's the reason why the penguin left the Antartica don't you think?

So yeah. Subhanallah. With Him anything is possible right?

Somewhat reminded me of how the world is getting really old, and we don't have much time left. A good reminder too.

So Welly peeps, really, have fun for us! And don't forget to keep yourself warm, and get your necessary supplies in case of emergency. With that? We never know what comes next. Could be dangerous too ;)

Bakit di papatulan Ang pagsuyong nagkulang Tayong umaasang Hilaga't kanluran Ikaw ang hantungan At bilang kanlungan mo Ako ang sasagip saýo.

2011-08-12T00:48:00.004+08:00

Currently listening to Up Dharma Down's Tadhana
p/s: hopefully the verse is correct though...

Have I posted this before?

Ah I don't care. I forget stuff a lot. As much as it makes me scared, and sad that I do that a lot, I couldn't be bothered. For now. Cuz not now. I don't have time for that. For now.

Anyway. This thing, is this real?

Because to be honest, it keeps on changing over time. Whenever I stumbled upon this on Tumblr.

This round,

First I saw Fat.
Then I saw Whore.
Then I saw Beautiful.

I have been thinking about something related to fat. No, not the content of the food. I am not hungry, and I just had a Diarrhea. So that explains its not the content right?

So maybe what you just familiar yourself with will be what keeps on crossing your mind. If you get what I mean. Like for example, I got to know someone has a nickname, like the name's peanut for example. Then I started to see the word peanut, or a picture of a peanut everywhere! On the billboards, when everyone else is saying it, or the newspapers. Everywhere.

Cuz I don't think I am a whore. Nor beautiful. I am not up to that level okay? Either level. Both. haha.

But if this is true its scary.

I realised that I like to question psychological/physiological facts. Maybe I should take psychology someday.

Or maybe the philosophy classes I took just kicked in. Because I started to question everything I see, I met, I encounter. Every single thing!

Le sigh. I am stressed. I am at the point where I question my career again.

Simple question:

where the hell is my passion for work? Its been missing for ages.

2011-08-10T15:12:00.001+08:00

Got this from Fatinn's blog.

Wahai sahabat² seagama denganku…
Tolonglah ambil masa 3 minit untuk membaca note ini....
3 Minit je, tak lama pun.. .. Mungkin ada yg pernah baca kisah ni tapi tak salah kalau kita ingatkan sekali lagi..
Dengan Nama ALLAH yg Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Pengasih...
Bayangkan benda ini berlaku pada anda.....
Suatu hari pada masa Sembahyang jumaat yang di hadiri oleh lebih kurang 1,000 jemaah...
tiba-tiba masuk dua orang lelaki yang menutupi seluruh tubuhnyer dgn pakaian hitam..
tak nampak apa cuma dua biji mata and membawa mesin gun...
lalu salah seorang lelaki tu bertempik "
"Sesiapa yang sanggup MATI kerana ALLAH sila berdiri di tempat kamu"
Selepas mendengar amaran lelaki itu maka segeralah bertempiaran lari para jemaah itu utk menyelamatkan diri....
daripada jumlah yang 1,000 tadi tu hanya tinggal lebih kurang 40 orang sahaja yang masih berdiri di tempat masing-masing termasuk Pak Imam tu...
Lelaki yang bertempik tadi segera membuka tutup mukanya lalu melihat ke arah Pak Imam sambil berkata:
"Ok Pak Imam, saya dah halau SEMUA yang hipokrit, sekarang bolehlah Pak Imam mulakan sembahyang Jumaat"....
Lalu kedua lelaki tersebut berpaling dan meninggalkan jemaah....
Macammana…..!!!!
adakah anda rasa lawak dgn cerita di atas. selain terhibur anda Fikirkanlah...
"Lawak kan, dari 1,000 org yg mengaku dia Islam hanya 40 yg betul-betul BERIMAN... "
"Lawakkan berapa banyak manusia yang mudah lupakan ALLAH bila menghadapi bahaya...
kedua lelaki hanya membawa mesin-gun..
dia tak kata pun nak bunuh.. tapi generasi skrang….amat lemah..baru kena ugut terus lari lintang pukang..
lupa yg dia tak sembahyang jumaat lagi..."
"Lawak, ada juga yang agamanya cuma seminggu sahaja.. tu pun bila time sembahyang jumaat..
tunjuk muka kat org kampung.. ada tu lagi dashyat setahun 2 kali aje….bile time sembahyang raya..."
"Lawakkan, ramai orang percaya kepada gosip dan apa yang di tulis oleh surat khabar daripada apa yang tercatit dalam al Quran"
"Lawak kan, berapa ramai yg percaya dunia hanya sementara, akhirat adalah tempat yang kekal, tapi berlumba-lumba mengejar dunia"
"Lawak, kita boleh bersembang dgn boyfriend atau girlfriend berjam-jam tapi ….nak berdoa kepada ALLAH alahai..
tak cukup masa….
Dan lebih lawak lagi, bila kita boleh post banyak thread atau note yang berunsur lawak jenaka dan lucah kesemua tempat tapi merasa berat nak berkongsi dan nak hantar artikel2 yang berunsur agama Lawak kan???
Kenapa?
gelak tu kan realiti..
tapi yg paling lawak sekali..
berapa orang yang lepas baca benda ni akan sampaikan kat orang lain...
berapa orang yang akan buka thread ni untuk luangkan masa membaca?
berapa banyak????

Fuh. terasa kot?

2011-08-07T22:28:00.005+08:00

I realised this year I watch more rom-coms than actions. That's odd, to be honest. But I know why.

I usually opt to watch action/sci-fi/adventure movies on cinemas.
But I don't have time to go.
And when I am home? I opt for something lite, like comedies, and romantic comedies.
So? Yeah. Hence why I always ended up watching them more now.

Its sad really. Everyone was like "ohh, have you watched Captain America?" and I'll be like "Well... I missed out Thor... and pretty much the rest."

SADDDDDDDD :(

Amie, come sit on my wall. Read me the story of O

2011-08-06T23:37:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to Damien Rice's Amie

So they turned 27 yesterday

I realised lately they love to give me advices on love. Also hints on "ey when are you getting a boyfriend huh?". LOL. I get that a lot, from them, brothers, my friends, my parents' friends, neighbors... Even my grandma was like

"Hang bila nak kawen?"

"Tunggu Atok, boipren pon kami tak daq lagi.."

"Hang jangan lupa cari boipren na?"

"...ok :)"

But one of the things I am thankful for is that, they never push me when it comes to this. Maybe mom is trying out new way of hinting - reverse psychology. Like "I think your sister just decided not to marry anyone. Dia nak jadi andartu kot" or "Firdaus, you're gonna have to take care of her. I don't think she's gonna marry anybody" LOL. Still, no pressure. They kept on reminding me that things like these need time.

Even when I told them that I don't mind match making, or meeting one person and go straight to marriage (mind you! in a joking way okay? :P), my mom will be "NOOO! YOU HAVE TO GET TO KNOW HIM FIRST OKAY?? OKAYY???"

I never really jott down the stuff they told me. Well, I am pretty sure at the back of my mind they're there. Malas nak recall je :P HAHA. One of them is up there. On being friends, really get to know a person before deciding to settle down with the particular person.

Okay la. Here's some

1. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. When you choose someone you love more, the chances are, you'll end up unhappy.

2. Beauty isn't everything. It'll fade over time. Personality is what you need..

3. If he kept on delaying on marrying you, he's more likely to call it off. One thing about men, they're certain when it comes to this.

4. Don't be so rash into settling down. Marriage is a huugee thing. Often those who decide fast didn't last so long.

Okayla I can only think of 4 at the moment. Eh, 5 to include the one above. And these are the simple ones, the ones you hear from everyone everywhere, but somehow you remember it more if it comes from your parents. And plus they said the above over and over again. LOL.

Anyway,

For me, 27 is long. I can't even imagine if I can stand a person for 27 years! LOL okay. Actually it should be this... I can't even imagine if someone can stand me for 27 years! haha. That's more like it.

And one thing for sure. That I learn something from them and their love story. And I will always remember..

"What ever happens, good or especially, bad, we'll remind each other of the hardship that we have to go through to be together. We've gone through so much, why should we put em all to waste?"

And, something that they didn't say or mention, but I picked up from their stories. I'll remember it too :

Fight for it, if you truly believe he/she is the one for you. Fight for love.

Well, being in love is a battlefield, no? You have to fight for the crown to be his/hers, and keep on fighting to make sure no other people or situation can take that away from you.

27 years. And they look like the young people in love. Minus the mushy part though. I'd prefer them not to be too PDA-ish in front of us. duh.

I want that you know. After so long, you can feel the love so strong between them. Like they just started to be in love or something. How they have proven most people that they're wrong. Their love is real. And its truly, love.

I love them both so much, and I pray to God that this will last forever. And hope they stay true to their love til the end. Amin.

Cuz you'll never know what's gonna happen in the future kan. Nauzubillah.

So to you, my dear parents,

Happy 27th Anniversary

2011-08-03T00:55:00.000+08:00

Referring to the post dated 26th July 2011.

I just realised something. I got too distracted til I didn't spare myself some me-time. Ugh hence this state.

Okay I need that me-time. when?

Solace my game, solace my game. It stars you, Swing wide your crane, swing wide your crane, And run me through

2011-08-02T22:30:00.005+08:00

Currently on repeat: Ellie Goulding's version of The Wolves.

Listening to this over and over. And after awhile it felt like this is what I am feeling currently. Had less impact on me when I listen to the original version, sung by Bon Iver.

Maybe its her voice.

This is haunting. Love it.

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan kali ini penuh makna. Agar dapat ku lalui dengan sempurna.

2011-08-01T05:54:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Raihan's Harapan Ramadhan (feat Manbai)

Every year, when Ramadhan comes, my hope will only be that; the lyrics up there.

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan kali ini penuh makna. Agar dapat ku lalui dengan sempurna.

I hope for a meaningful Ramadhan. So I can go through it perfectly.

Well all am asking for is one meaningful Ramadhan. This time around, I asked myself this, it has been a year, since last year's Ramadhan. So what have you change about yourself? Have you become a better person?

Truthfully, I can say that I don't know.

How sad. I feel the change to the better. But not completely. At the same time I know how broken I've become, especially in bringing myself closer to Him.

So this time around? My hope is still the same; but I'll dig deeper. To get to the whole meaning of it.

Lets hope for the best!

Salam Ramadhan to everyone :)

Tanya sama pokok, apa sebab goyang? Jawab angin yang goncang, Terbang burung terbang,Patah sayap diduga, Seandainya rebah kau masih ada.

2011-07-28T10:18:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Meet Uncle Hussain feat Hazama's Pokok

What a beautiful mess this is, its like picking up trash in dresses.

2011-07-26T19:06:00.004+08:00

Currently listening to : Jason Mraz's Beautiful Mess

It should be a breezy week, but days were spent mostly to absorb more information, then only to have fun. So its not that breezy. Hah, maybe I still need that long holiday. Lets see if the extra 3 days with the bitches would give what I have been longing.

I am in Malacca by the way, wanted to take pics but my phone is sick, so I am disconnected most of the times. That's really sad. Because I do almost everything with my phone. I don't even carry a camera these days.

Gotta get it repaired asap.

That's about it, what I have been doing for the past few days. Maybe will blog later if I feel like it. Right now, I am distracted with something else. So looking for other things to do to distract myself from this distraction, it feels like blogging is not it. Explains the short post eh?

Giving myself several days to be distracted. To have fun a little. Then I'll look for some me-time to absorb everything in, and think everything through and through.

Ya Allah, please give me strength. Amin.

Melodi indah yang kucipta, hanya untuk luahkan rindu padanya.

2011-07-20T01:37:00.002+08:00

Currently on repeat: Aizat Amdan's Lagu Kita

So Jue & Mukrim tied the knot last weekend. She's my first close friend who got married!

Not gonna talk about it in detail, as I don't have the time :P. But it was simple, and beautiful. Weather was perfect. Crowd was good. Food was yummy, altho I don't get to eat much (sadd), and the performance is awesome! I love everything about it!

And I didn't have many photos of me.. because I was busy doing this:

Yeah. I'm one of the photographers of the day!

And to be specific...

Check out my camera - its huugee! Its actually the fuji instax!

Kind of a replacement for Polaroid. Since the Polaroid films are hard to find now, I decided to just change the camera/ LOL. It was quite an attraction. Since its quite big, and doesn't look like a SLR/DSLR

Anyway the "Instax project" was our gift to them. So not gonna reveal much here. ehe.

It was tiring, but fun. And memorable! Since the whole event is kind of different. I dressed up differently too. Feels like I'm back in the 90s, as I used to wear dresses to kenduris when I was younger. However, those were all last-minute shopping. Do you like it? .. I looked a bit pregnant there didn't I? Oh well.

That's about it for now.

I guess this marks the point where I should look forward for more close friends' weddings. More to come next year maybe? InsyaAllah :)

p/s: thanks to Abu's friend, now I am in love with this song. Can't stop listening to it!::')

Paint my face right so I can be a pantomime.

2011-07-17T11:05:00.003+08:00

Currently listening to Operator Please's Pantomime

When Sirius died, I was frustrated. But not that sad. I remembered there's a girl in my school who broke down into tears because of this. I think that was a bit funny. Okay I'm evil :P
When Dumbledore died, I got mad. But at the same time anticipated. You know this time, it is all down to Harry Vs The Dark Lord.

Okay, that was book #3 and #6. Come to think of it, I didn't get really emotional reading them all. Until book #7 comes out.

That's when I felt like I am a part of it. Like I am one of them. I got really emotional when Hedwig was attacked. Haha. Okay that's a lil bit too much isn't it? But yeah that's me alright. Then I got even more upset when Lupin & Fred were killed.

Even more and more upset when! Snape is dead.

Never thought that would bother me so much, considering that I was annoyed by his character at first, and I kind of expecting it to happen. You know, why he's done what he did.

Maybe its because of the detailed explanation, a whole chapter of it. It was well written, and it changes most people perception towards the man himself. Including mine.

Usually people will choose the book over the movie(s). But for me? Not with the seventh book. I think the idea of having 2-part movie to cover the final book is brilliant. They didn't leave out the details so much so that's great. Even better that, they somehow manage to make it more real. 'Amplifying' what's already in the book.

Truth is, it really stirs up the emotions that you already feel when reading the book.

I almost cried watching Hedwig fall from the sky, watching Hogwarts was tear down into pieces, watching the others got killed.

And.... I almost weep watching the Snape part.

It was really that good.

But sadly, now it is over. My childhood has ended.
But I am glad I grew up with it :)

*flicks the imaginary wand and taps on the imaginary Marauder's Map*

MISCHIEF MANAGED.

Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance, Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?

2011-07-13T00:14:00.002+08:00

Currently on repeat: Demi Lovato's Skyscraper

T_T

I'll listen to this every time I am feeling down.

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like i'm made of glass
Like i'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

I know I shouldn't be wishing for this but,
I just wished that I am like my old self; with the heart made of stone.
I am just tired to feel bothered by a lot of things.
As much as I hate to feel numb, I think I could use it now, just to stop feeling.

For awhile.

2011-07-10T07:45:00.004+08:00

I don't think the objectives of the whole rally thing are as what they seem to be. Clean election? You really think those who marched up are asking for that, or asking for something else?

I am not a person who like politics. In fact, when it comes to this I become very ignorant about it. So who am I to say things right?

Anyway this whole thing made me wonder, why is it that "change" is what everyone is asking. I used to be that person, who always wanted change. Thinking other people can do better. Or we can do better. But try to put yourself out there, and see how you can fit in their shoes. Try to run it, then you'll see.

Even if change is what you need, you must know you need patience. Something can't be changed within a day, or a month. It is going to take longer than that. Depending on what you want to change, which the bigger the change, the longer time we need to make it. Can't you just be a little bit more patient?

Maybe what we need is acceptance. And the skills of a survivor. Especially when it comes to all these, everything is not going to be beautiful. Things going to get ugly, what you have to do is to try to survive. Learn to adapt, so maybe that's how you'll complain less. And be grateful.

Yes, to challenge is a good thing, but I believe that we need to see the situation first. But if what you want to challenge and fight for will compromise peace? When it will affect others quite badly? I am sorry but I have to go against it.

You say its the roadblocks and the police. Yes, I complain when I am stuck in it. But if I were to pin point to who, it won't be them. What if they're not there? Anything could happen you know. Don't say they'll be just marching because I won't believe it.

I love my country. So I have to have my best interest in it. Maybe its time for me to take off this "ignorance is bliss" cap and start be in the know. Hah, I know. Shame on me.

And I know that none of it may really ever come true But in my mind, I'm havin' a pretty good time with you

2011-07-09T00:17:00.006+08:00

Currently listening to Noah & The Whale's 5 years time

Oh in five years time we could be walking round a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
And there'll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
And I'll put my hand over your eyes, but you'll peek through

And there'll be sun sun sun
All over our faces
And sun sun sun
All over our bodies
And sun sun sun
All down my neck
Oh and sun sun sun
So what the heck

'Cause I'll be laughing at all your silly little jokes
And we'll be laughing about how we used to smoke
All those stupid little cigarettes
And drink stupid wine
'Cause it's what we needed to have a good time

But it was fun fun fun
When we were drinking
It was fun fun fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun fun fun
When we were dancing
It was fun fun fun
Oh it was fun

Well, then I look at you and say
It's the happiest that I've ever been
And I'll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean
And she'd say
Yeah well I feel pretty happy too
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you

And it'd be
Love love love
All through our bodies
And love love love
All through our minds
And it'll be love love love
All over her face
And love love love
All over mine

And though, if nearly all these moments are just in my head
I'll be thinking bout them as I'm lying in bed
And I know that none of it may really ever come true
But in my mind I'm havin' a pretty good time with you

Oh in 5 years time
I might not know you
In 5 years time
We might not speak
Oh in 5 years time
We might not get along
In 5 years time
You might just prove me wrong

But there'll be love love love
Wherever you go
There'll be love love love
Wherever you go
There'll be love love love
Wherever you go
There'll be love love love
Wherever you go
There'll be love love love
Wherever you go
There'll be love love love
Wherever you go
There'll be love love love

Wherever you go there'll be love

2011-07-08T00:22:00.003+08:00

Alice: Well, when I was lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here?
[sigh]
Alice: Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.

Alice in Wonderland, 1951

I think out of many cartoon/fictional characters in this world, I can relate to her the most.

I am Alice. Well, I think this applies to all the girls in this world.

2011-07-04T22:08:00.002+08:00

I can hear her panting while we're talking over the phone just now. That left me worried.

She has reached 5-year milestone. I don't know, for a cancer patient I think that is very long, no?

He gave her another 5 years to live. She didn't know she has it, but she kind of accepted her fate, that its incurable. She calmly accepted it.

Pretty sure she's ready. But I don't know if I am.

I think He gave you enough, Farah. Kan?

For that, Alhamdulillah.

2011-07-01T21:32:00.003+08:00

Currently listening to Kris Allen's version of Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing it loud

p/s: time to de-stress :)

pyramid, we've built this on a solid rock, it feels just like it's heaven's touch, together at the top (at the top baby), like a pyramid

2011-06-30T23:15:00.006+08:00

Currently listening to Charice's Pyramid

Tom: You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete and utter bullshit? It sucks.

Summer: What do you mean?

Tom: Ah you know, destiny, and soul mates, true love and all that childhood fairy tale nonsense. You were right, I should've listened to you.

Summer: No..

Tom: Yeah, why are you smiling?

Summer: Tom...

Tom: What? why are you looking at me like that?

Summer: Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband.

Tom: Yeah. And... so?

Summer: So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was - it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right.
Tom: No.
Summer: Yeah, I did. [laughs]
Summer: I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.

So they played this movie last weekend. I guess this movie always pull people to stick their eyes on the TV and watch. And hating Summer at the end.

LOL. I don't know. At some point I can relate myself to Summer, and at some other point I can relate myself to Tom.

Maybe most of the times Tom. haha.

Anyhoo.

Sometimes a movie needs to be watched over and over to get to different perspectives of it. Its like what you grasp from it is different every time. Agree?

I don't quite remember what I get from watching it the first time, or the second time. I don't even remember how many times have I watched this movie. I reckon, to include the time I watched on a Sunday night, it would be 3 times? Or 4? tah! Or maybe more? pfft. Whatever.

Maybe the first time is the bitch slap of reality. This is reality. What really happens. You don't always get what you want. You could be wrong; a person whom you think is your soul mate could be not your soul mate. Maybe he/she would just be someone who will open up a different direction in life for you. Who will teaches you something. But not going to be someone who'll spend the whole life with you.

I think that's the first. Was trying to recall my conversation with friends right after this movie. I remembered saying "er.. actually I can relate myself to Summer." hahaha. And then I said "I love this movie. Its real!"

Okay so maybe that's the first thing I picked up in this movie.

This time around? I picked up about fate.

I don't know exactly why only now this thing just clicked in my mind. ~~Obviously because I am getting older and naturally you'll be thinking about it. Duh!~~. But yeah it just clicked in recently.

But yeah, fate. It sucks you know, to bear the fact that fate doesn't come in easy. If you are lucky, you'll get it early. If you don't, you'll be anxious and bitter just to wait for it. Sometimes you don't have the patience to wait for it, so you'll end up with nothing. You question yourself this everyday "when will be the time for me?" "will it come? or it won't?" "what if you missed it already?".

To be in Tom's shoes at the point where he and Summer had that conversation? Its one of the hardest moments one can get. To know that 1. He/She's not fated to be with you, when you were positive that he/she is supposed to be 'the one'. 2. He/She found hers first! and you? You're alone! 3. You have got to be happy, or at least pretend that you are happy for him/her with sincerity.

And yeah, to get reminded again, that fate doesn't come in easy, and your time is not now. And those questions starting to pop in mind. That sucks big time.

But that is life. You just have to accept it. Like how I just accepted fate. Apparently I just realized that over time, I lose myself not believing in fate anymore. Or rather, I believe that I am destined to be alone.

Whatever it is its dangerous. Because fate is what I have to believe in. Its what Qada' & Qadar is about too, well correct me if I'm wrong.

I admit, at my age? I shouldn't give up on anything. But somehow it feels like I have given up. Like I am trying to learn to be alone. Its some kind of a preparation, maybe.. ugh hopefully not! I don't want to die being a bitter old virgin. er OK.

So yeah. I should go back to square one right? Bismillah.

p/s: I think Fox Searchlight Pictures is awesome. I love their movies. Most of them. So is the (500) Days Summer OST. What I noticed about the movie in the first place anyway - awesome soundtrack :)

Forget the horror here, Leave it all down here, It's future rust and then it´s future dust

2011-06-30T22:06:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Yuna's cover of Spanish Sahara

Just when I thought my mom and I are in "our good days", because she cooked all of my favorites for berbuka today. Then I popped a question, just to make plans ahead.

She just made me angry again.

Le sigh. I just don't understand our relationship sometimes.

And in my best behavior, I am really just like him, Look beneath the floor boards, For the secrets I have hid .

2011-06-28T23:01:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Sufjan Stevens' John Wayne Gacy, Jr.

I knew this guy, and this album since several years back. I guess that's the Pandora radio days. Chicago has always been one of my all time favorites. I think it was before Little Miss Sunshine. Because I remembered getting excited listening to the song in that movie.

It was as if I am the only person who knew the song earlier than every one else. Blergh.

But only now I actually start listening to the whole album. Slowly I got really caught up with almost every song in this album.

Sufjan Stevens? He is one awesome story teller. His songs make you want more from him. Make you want to be the characters in the songs. You can relate to them.

Even that song up there. That, is one haunting song. I was drawn by the melody of it. Then after awhile I got curious, so I started to google the title. And to my surprise, it was one quite disturbing story.

Check out the lyrics for the hints, or just wiki it to get the full story.

I love it how he tries to relate himself to the whole disturbing story. Hence why he came out with the verse I used as a title. Tersentap sekejap.

But from that moment onwards, I declare, this album? Is on my all-time fave albums list. Hands down.

WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! ONE TWO THREE FOUR!

2011-06-28T22:42:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Sex Bob-omb's We are Sex Bob-omb!

I have plenty stuff in mind to share. But yeah, should've done it when they popped in my head. Because now I don't know where to start, what exactly to talk about. Drafted some topics in a post but couldn't really recall what to write. Anyhoo let's start with some random happenings:

1) FINALLY WITH THE HELP OF DEAREST MIKA, I GOT MY HANDS ON THIS:

They don't have this here you know. But its understandable, just look at the name on the songs. Hah. Even he, who bought me this was like "I just had sex Farah?"

I know. My dad was like this : O_O (okay not literally.. but you know that wth look..) when I showed him Mother Lover video. I even sang the song On the Ground and he gave me the face. Haha.

But to me, they are still hilarious. And brilliant in a very silly way. Heh.

Oh I have a post to make on comedies. Will add that on my drafted titles.

Btw welcome back Mika & Che =)

2) OKAY. HAVE YOU ALL TRIED PLAYING THIS?:

This is the boss stage and its effing hard! That white parrot is very annoying too, especially when I didn't get to shoot it. pfft. Got really tensed up with the game! I wasn't really into Angry Birds hype. But Angry Birds Rio? And that Mighty Eagle thing? They are the best!

4) I used to write stuff in detail. Like my recent happenings, my mis-adventures, those list of unfortunate events, happy days. Almost like a diary. But now? hah.

3) OKAY I AM DIZZY NOW. Need some sleep with hope I can wake up very early. Duty calls.

p/s: HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY?

Lost & insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me. You Found Me.

2011-06-23T22:08:00.000+08:00

Currently on repeat: The Fray's You Found Me

I have to admit. Whenever I see the numbering next to "Do You Like This?" option goes to (1), I can't help myself but to smile. Like there's a guardian angel out there, looking out for me. The only way I can know the existence of this person, is by acknowledging that he/she reads my blog. By leaving that mark right there.

Whoever you are, thank you :) Please know you always made my day.

How long have will I be waiting, to be with you again? Gonna tell you that I love you, in the best way that I can.

2011-06-21T21:27:00.001+08:00

Currently on repeat: Jonas Brothers' When You Look Me in the Eyes

Somehow I am tired of trying so hard to take control of my own emotions. Sometimes I just wished that I can let myself feel whatever I want.

If I feel like crying, I'll just stop doing other things and break into tears. Or if I feel happy, I'll just run and scream my heart out "YEAAAHHH!". Like that. No need to think of what is around you, who are you with, whether people will think I am crazy or not.

Because why? It'll be the same. Whether or not I control it, it'll always find its way to escape. I'll end up hurting. Myself, and worse, hurting others.

I lost to my own mood swings.

Sambutlah sayang, salam cintaku ini. Untukmu sayang, demi kasihku ini. Kasih dan sayang terus bersemi.

2011-06-20T22:06:00.004+08:00

Currently listening to Amy Mastura's Jawapan Kasih

So yesterday I finally found a compilation of Disney's songs from the movies. Not remakes, or pop versions. And I actually asked my dad to play it in the car.

Hah. those songs. They just took us back to the good ol' days.

And we realised how different it was, as compared to our brothers. Our story is different. As it sets out at other place, different crowd, different silly adventures.

I am blessed to have two different childhood, the one before we moved to Bangi, and the one when we were here for good. To talk about it would take time, and I think I talked about some of them in different2 posts. Check out the tags Childhood or BFFY stories if you'd like to. So yeah, not gonna talk about it now :P

Alhamdulillah :)

p/s: I downloaded the first two albums of Amy Mastura. amik kau!

2011-06-19T18:44:00.002+08:00

Finally watched this. I realized that I enjoy watching Natalie Portman. Somehow I adore her more now, after Black Swan - to me that's like her peak in her career (although her other movies are awesome too) , after reading her interview in the Andy Warhol's Interview, and after I can rap along with her (not completely though) whenever I'm stressed out.

Well, the main reason to watch this is obviously because of Ashton. And apparently his character, Adam makes me love this movie even more. Someone who made a period-mix and stay up with you the whole night when you're down with mood swings? A KEEPER alright. Well, that's just one.. and I'm too lazy to list down the rest. Like the character Emma (the female lead - Portman's character) said "He has the best heart.". 'Nuff said.

I am not exactly a fan of roms-coms. I mean I can make a short list of which movies that I can watch over and over again. But now I can't even remember which one I like. On top of my head there's... tah. I'll think of this and make a list later lah :P BUT! definitely this one is on the list now. Actually I already replayed it a few times, just to listen to my favourite scenes. LOLOL.

The mellow side of me huh?

Anyhoo, I think this is the best Friends with Benefits movies. Well I haven't watched the one with Justin Timberlake + Mila Kunis (titled "Friends with Benefits". LOL). But Idk, maybe that one can't beat No Strings Attached. We'll see :)

Bunda s'lalu tanamkan, Jangan pernah menyerah, Jalani dan panjatkan, Kelak syukur kau ucapkan

2011-06-14T22:05:00.001+08:00

Currently on repeat: SO7's Lihat Dengar Rasakan

pada diri Nya
Kumohonkan
Mudahkan hidupnya hiasi dengan belai Mu
Sucikan tangan-tangan yang memegang erat harta
Terangi harinya dengan lembut mentari Mu
Buka genggaman yang telah menjadi hak mereka

I posted lyrics more than the rants I have everyday. Haha. Yet I still have not come out with a playlist. The thing with Mixpod is, quite a number of youtube stuff are blocked from being shared there. Makes things harder. Hurm.

2011-06-10T22:46:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to Gobbledigook

I just realized that what I like is to jump off something.

This is one example. I did this twice. Another is canyon swing je.

Then I jumped off a jetty.. and I did hang gliding.

And on my list, there are sky diving, cliff diving.

I was never attracted to climbing. I always love to jump down. Macam malas je ek, less energy used up. But I think it took all the courage to do them. Maybe that's where the satisfaction comes from.

Can we categorize people like that?; a jumper or a climber. Well does that mean anything else? Like for example, the climbers are the hardworking one. The more determined. And the jumper? The one who likes the easy way out? The more courageous one? The risk taker?

Wait. Both are risk takers. And I don't like taking the easy way out.

Okay I lied. Who doesn't prefer taking the easy way out? But that's impossible. So yes. That's not me.

I guess I don't want to categorize people that way.

I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

2011-06-10T22:02:00.000+08:00

Currently on repeat: Miranda Lambert's The House that Built Me

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

T_T

Your shimmy shook my bones, Leaving me stranded all in love on my own

2011-06-09T22:14:00.001+08:00

Currently listening to Kings of Leon's Closer

courtesy of Azrul Azwar. Thanks Kakang :)

At a Nikah ceremony:

FM: look Ibu, the mother cried. You know what? I think on my wedding day you'll cry too. I bet you would!

MAR: Oh please-lah.

FM: Well.. I am gonna make you cry. I'll make sure of that.

MAR: pffttt. Tolong la ye. I won't cry!

Random conversation with my Ibu. Come to think of it, this year I wanted to dedicate a post for Mother's Day. But apparently I didn't. How sad. But she doesn't read this blog anymore now that I am here. And I treated her breakfast.

I like the fact that we both smiled like that. haha.

Call me lame. But I really love the way they look at each other, I love it so much it becomes my wallpaper.. for awhile. The scene is also very cute. That's what I like about first love. They seem so pure and although they're all mushy, but they're still cute and we still go awwww.

To be honest, I don't like this song. I get annoyed with it easily. But you know what? The verses posted above are exactly what I feel. Well at least what I've felt. I don't know if I feel the same anymore now.

Okay back to work.

p/s: Do you think of me? Where am I now, baby, where do I sleep?

2011-06-05T20:25:00.001+08:00

So now is the ~~mating~~ wedding season. Like any other singles out there, I too have started getting those typical questions. And using "wait for my brother first-lah" as a reason does not work anymore. It did, a few months back.

I guess my time has come. No, not my time to get married, but its my turn to be answering those questions.

Another sign of aging yes?

2011-06-01T11:17:00.001+08:00

I know it's so ungrateful of me to be saying this out loud. And yes I know it all comes down to my own problem of not being able to manage my own time.

But I could really use a time turner, or a time machine. Or the ability to freeze time so I can do everything I need to do at peace, uninterrupted, and so that I can finish them on time (obviously).

Hurm. I miss blogging.

2011-05-26T00:47:00.000+08:00

The best durian outing ever. I really think durian ni ada ganja. Everyone were like high. LOL. Well look at me.

♥♥♥

The reason why I can actually enjoy school

if only Nasra, Afrah & Qeela join us. Mesti lagi havoc!

2011-05-26T00:40:00.001+08:00

Currently on repeat: Nitrus' Resah

Berapa lama harus aku tunggu
Kata setuju kamu
Kau biar aku menanti pilu

Kau diam bisu buat aku keliru
Mana tuju hatimu
Usah biarku resah menunggu

Raut wajahmu bisa ditelahku
Kau masih belum tentu
Apa ada rasa dalam hatimu

Datang padaku cerita padaku
Ungkapkan rasa itu
Apa saja buat hilang ragumu

Sesungguh tak kau tahu
Diriku ada kamu
Akan ku relakan semua ada ku untuk mu
Mungkin bila kau tahu
Mungkin bisa kau temui jiwaku
Usah biar terusan begitu…

:')

But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to, And my eyes, they don't see you no more...

2011-05-22T01:45:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to The Killers' For Reasons Unknown

So I've been sleeping since Wednesday. Literally. I woke up, eat, take the meds, and go back to sleep. It's pretty much like that. Well I thought I got better on Thursday, apparently not because Friday was the peak. I thought I'm gonna die or something.

That was torture.

Hopefully by tomorrow it'll be over cuz I really need to get back to my work and I had enough of sleeping. I think I've been sleeping too much I can't sleep now. Been trying to sleep since the past 3 hours and here I am blogging about it.

While trying to get myself to sleep I came across the song; For Reasons Unknown. Lama tak dengar lagu ni kot? Okay definitely gonna be on my next karaoke song.

Idk what should I write here. I am still not sleepy :(

2011-05-18T00:29:00.002+08:00

Monday was miserable, although the iftaar was good. LOL. Yeh I treated myself Kluang Station's mee siam, sirap selasih and a toasted bun (which I finished them in just freaking 10 minutes :P), then the Auntie Anne's Almond Pretzel and the lemonade.

I am a beast nowadays I just feel like eating everything I can.

But then as I got home, I managed to finish watching Juvana, then I fell asleep, waking up in the middle of the nights with the kittens sitting on top of me, one was asleep too and the other was just watching me. His face is exactly right on my chin, so when I wake up I'll see his face, with the round eyes, looking at me. Then I took them into my room, and forgot to lock them in the cage, so when I woke up for the second time at 5 am I realized there r poop everywhere!

Oh I realized something - I never blogged about my new kittens. Oh well. Anyways.

Tuesday? I was sick! But that didn't stop me from doing what I've planned since the week before;

1. Outing with my high school friends
2. Morning walk, and karaoke with the crazies.

Basically I re-lived the good ol' times.

Seriously, selagi mampu, I'd do anything to re-live the good ol' days. And today? Although I was sick, the whole day was well spent.

It was worth it :)

So yes. Back to the Wiserable Wednesday :( Gosh, I want all this to end!

2011-05-17T00:34:00.000+08:00

So finally, I got my hands on the book, Water for Elephants. Thanks to my mom, she's willing to buy the book and let me borrow it. Well I was not supposed to buy any books as I have tons of them to finish at home plus I was on a tight budget that time. LOL. That's fine. I just need to read it that's all. And it'll be in the house so yeh.

But just when I started to read it, one guardian angel actually invited me to join her to watch the movie - for freeee! Apparently when she bought the book it was really a good bargain because that's how she got the free movie tickets, AND a discounted price for the book. It's like you buy 2 movie tickets and you'll get the book for free.

She's one lucky lass.

Anyhoo. I think the movie is a bit torturing in a way, BUT only in some tiny parts. If you know me well, and you watch the movie you'll figure out why the movie is a torture to me :P Apart from that, I just love it. Okay, NOT JUST because Robert Pattinson is adorable and awesome in that movie, and also NOT JUST because Christoph Waltz is in there, as usual taking the controversial antagonist character. I love the storyline, the settings (Its a circus people. Its always magical to me!), we can see how the circus is run, the amazing elephant, the forever graceful Reese Witherspoon who potrays the character Marlena, and of course, the guys mentioned before :P. And it made me realize on how people won't care much about other people, or other beings especially during the desperate times.

..and somehow you have to take a huge step ahead to make a change. Well that change? It gives us hope. You just have to work hard for it.

But I have to finish the book first then only compare with the whole thing :) Like Never Let Me Go? Yes I've also watched the movie finally. Apparently the movie doesn't really affects me as much as the book. I like the movie nonetheless.

Anyhoo, thanks to Yasmin for inviting me. It's like one of our long-delayed-hang outs plus farewell hang out as she's going away to Ireland to do industrial training there. How cool is that?

If you are reading this, I wanna thank you for the free passes, and your time. Its always fun to hang out with you :) and please take a good care of your self, and don't forget to have fun while you are there. Take some time to appreciate the place, the people, the thing you're doing there, basically the life you're having. Oh, and stay awesome. Can't wait to see you when you get back so we could catch up more :)

2011-05-15T16:40:00.003+08:00

the actors, the director, the story line, the setting... well I think everything looks promising here. I'm looking forward for this :)

2011-05-12T01:41:00.000+08:00

One thing for sure is that, I still haven't break the cycle. I am still rolling and rolling into the darkness. It is always like a broken record that I am now tired with what I have been planning to do but never have the initiative to do them.

I am sick of it and I know I need all my strengths, my will to gain the power to get myself to be disciplined. True to my words.

Macam berkat hidup dah semakin pudar tau sekarang ni? Better start to be a saint than a sinner.

2011-05-09T18:17:00.002+08:00

I don't know wth I want anymore. Okay except one:

The one/two-week break of doing nothing.

I know I haven't been doing anything much. I neglected all of my obligations. And I know, by tomorrow I'll be on zombie mode - feels dead but actually alive. Not that I don't have enough sleep I do. I just feel like I am dead that's all.

This not-doing-anything-much-while-on-study-leave? Is not that one week that I am asking. Because my brain cannot stop thinking. But not really thinking of what it should be thinking by the way. But something else.

I want to cry but I can't. I want to study, or do work but I am bothered by something that stops me from concentrating.

I don't know what I am doing, I don't know what I am feeling anymore.

2011-05-05T23:52:00.000+08:00

I think we all judge people. Because that's when we can know whether or not we accept him/her for whoever he/she is. Right?

Acceptance is what important. Being ignorant is not.

so why don't we go, somewhere only we know?

2011-05-04T21:53:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to The Glee Cast version of Somewhere only we know

You know, honestly by the time you're 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don't think about that when you're younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that's a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that's not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.

Alex Goran, Up in the Air

This. Made me feel old. Or have I just stopped trying?

I'd like to think that I have an old soul like that :P

2011-05-03T02:06:00.000+08:00

Well, okay. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't saying that the book was bad. Its really good. It bothers me up to this much, so I must say it is really good.

To be honest? It's one of those crazy sad stuff that I love. Why? Because it felt, real. Who would disagree to this; no matter how much you are trying to convince others on how much a realist you are, deep down, you created your own idealist world. No? Well, at least during your childhood days? or student days even?

The perfect world you would live in.

Mine is just as surreal as most girls' ideal world. Lets leave it at that.

So when these kinds of reading, or movie, or even situation came along and you are the 'observer' or the 'audience', they give you a sort of a bitch slap of reality to your face. To remind you that this is how life should be like. And what you should do, is to be positive, and be accepting about it.

And for me, this book is all about that. It reminds you on no matter how things do not turn out to be the way you wanted, all you have to be is positive, and accepting. All you have to remember is no matter what, you have those memories, of love, of pain, of friendship and kinship, to guide you along, to always give you light in the dark.

Never mind my very own life experiences. Of course they taught me the best. Other than that, usually visual stuff left a deeper scar on my heart. Like the movie The Green Mile, The Reader, (500) Days of Summer, or Jeux d'enfants. Maybe when I get the DVD of this movie, it'll become another one on the list too.

I admit this. Deep down, until now, the hope of maybe my ideal world exists is still there. But I know slowly, I am accepting the reality. That is why I am grateful to be able to experience myself and watch/observe on these stuff. And somehow from time to time, I will find myself re-watching or re-reading (although very unlikely :P) them. Or rewinding my own life experiences.

They are good wake up calls. Well, we all need to be reminded. Don't we?

2011-05-03T01:58:00.000+08:00

You know,

That feeling you get when there is someone who needs you at that very moment but you couldn't be there for him/her due to unavoidable circumstances. That feeling you get when you are 'standing' in front of a situation, or 'on a fence' and not knowing which side you should be on, whether you should be standing by this one and go against the other or vice versa.

They don't make you feel great. Instead, you'll feel pretty much confused, awful, helpless, and useless. Stupid even.

To be honest, that is how I feel right now.

And with such 'perfect timing' I manage to finish off the one I've been reading for the past two weeks during my train rides (Shall I thank the bad traffic just now?). I don't know. The ending somehow left me with more confusion that I already have earlier on.

The book made me more hopeful than ever while immersing myself into the lives of the characters. Then everything ended. Just like that. My hopes were all crushed. I'm crushed too.

... ah well. Ain't life a bitch. Well I know that. Life is unfair. And another thing I know is that, God is not. He is fair. So I shall seek out for His comfort.

Even with the rest belated, everything is antiquated, Are you writing from the heart?

2011-05-02T07:56:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Sufjan Stevens' Come On! Feel the Illinoise!

Okay I know I am such a scaredy cat sometimes. I'm afraid of the cockroaches, reptiles (like lizards & snakes), and amphibians like frogs.

Often I had dreams of these creatures chasing after me. Tiring and scary at the same time. Kan?

But nothing beats the dreams I had a week ago:

So I attended a function at a house, a very beautiful one. We gathered at the veranda, which has a very nice pond right at the side. It's like the water level and the flooring of the veranda is at the same level. Er, do you get me? Anyhoo, so there were quite many people, they were talking while waiting for the event to start I guess.

Then suddenly there's a movement in the water. Well there were fishes in there so, that's normal right? Somehow that caught some guests' attention. Like it's weird.. sort of. Apparently one of the guests were too curious so she had to go into the pond to feed her curiosity. And she found a book, which apparently looks like new and very dry although it was in the pond. Haha okay THAT is weird. But that's not the highlight of my dream.

This guest still hasn't settled with her findings so she actually continued diving into the pond! and suddenly we realized... something is funny. Cuz her body was bruised up as if she got bitten by something. Everyone is worried, and some were trying to signal to her to get out of the pond.

But... she was a bit too late.

Because, all of the sudden there were fishes coming out of her through the bruises! ewww

I don't know what happened to her next. Because those fishes are like piranhas and they can live on land! So yes, a swarm of fishes actually.. I don't know how to say this.. swam out on the land? Okay let's leave it like that. So they swam out on the land, and going after us! Including me.

It was a total chaos. I was running and awfully scared. Like how I feel when I was chased by those creatures I mentioned earlier In my dreams of course.

There's always a hero in the story right? So yes there he was, appearing out of nowhere, wearing the V for Vendetta mask, with a grass cutter, laughing hysterically and telling all of us to not worry, and he got everything covered because he can kill the fishes with his grass cutter.

Panicked and confused at the same time, I told myself not to care and kept on running.

Then my brother woke me up.

Have to admit the whole thing is weird. And pretty scary too. I woke up with my heart beating superbly fast, as if I just finished a sprint or something. But thank God there were no fishes like that in this world!

Me and my never ending nightmares *sigh*

2011-04-25T22:58:00.000+08:00

So I found a tumblr listing down rules of a gentleman, http://etiquetteforagentleman.tumblr.com/. Its something men should know, and should do I think. There are quite a large number of rules on how to treat woman right.

And there is also, another tumblr listing down rules of a lady, http://etiquetteforalady.tumblr.com/. And this one is all about girl power, some words of encouragement and advices to become the strong, independent woman.

Haha somehow these two tumblrs make me stop and wonder. I don't know why, its something I would definitely agree on, but I still feel that there is something wrong with the two.

...hurm.

Anyhoo, they're good lists for everyone.

2011-04-24T17:38:00.000+08:00

First, it was the best birthday gift.

Now, it's the best birthday cake.

I must say, this is THE BEST DURIAN PANCAKE. EVER!

They keep me smiling, in my heart. Always.

Thank you.

And hope I'm doing the same to you all :)

You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

2011-04-24T16:17:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to Michael Buble's Everything

So it is either this:

or this:

The new escapism huh?

Anyhoo, I am still searching for thes movie's DVD:

Take a bite of my heart tonight.

2011-04-24T15:42:00.005+08:00

Currently listening to Glee Cast Version of Animals

Psychological fact: when a person cries and the first drop of tears comes from the right eye, it’s happiness. But when the first roll is from the left, it’s pain.

So my tears today came from my right eye. All the time. Am I happy to have this blocked nose??? :P

p/s: Apparently the blackbird pie doesn't wanna work on me. So I can't post tweets on my blog. That's sad :(

2011-04-23T19:43:00.002+08:00

So what's in my bag?, a photo by FarahMexx on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
What's not in the picture? Extra shopping bag, just in case :)