Maybe some won't understand this but I am one of those who love to date myself (Well I am like so in love wei that I just can't get enough of me, so I just have to date myself! haha ookkayyyy...) actually I guess its because I've been spending too much time alone that I enjoy every second of it. I am comfortable with just sitting down somewhere and watch people. Or reading magazines. Or have a meal. Without having anyone to talk to.
I don't know. Maybe because at times I get tired of expectations from others. To think what you should or should not say, or what you should or should not do. I know especially when I'm comfortable with someone, I tend to just say or do whatever I want. I may sound very boastful when I'm with them, or just simply pure annoying. I can be very mean too. And the worst part is that, I sometimes don't even remember that I did all those. I became too ignorant with the other person's feelings. I came out a bit off.
So yeah. Its good that I get to do something with zero expectation from anyone. Its all me.
I can take my own sweet time doing whatever I want.
Back then when I was still studying, I get to go out alone. I get to have my coffee and read magazine at the coffee shop. I get to do my beading at the bead shop. I get to go out late at night playing with the swing at Queens Wharf. Even at 1am. I get to walk along the wharf to the Oriental Bay at night. I get to sit down and enjoy the surrounding, enjoying the ocean and sink in all my thoughts away. I get to have my Kafee Eis Gelatos, or Wendy's Ice cream in the afternoon. Or brunch at Simply Paris, or my dose of Scopa's hot choc. Or beignet or pies at Sweet Mother's Kitchen. I get to have my picnic at the Botanical Garden and read my book, or write something in my journal. I get to have my sushis at Midland Park and just watch people.
Sadly I never been to the cinemas alone back there. But I get to do it here so that's fun too.
Now, I get to do my lunches alone, or my quick-shopping. Or driving alone. Or train rides alone. Sometimes I pay a visit to a bookstore and spend time there browsing. And yes I watched a movie alone, once. But now is different. Now, I do that in between of doing other stuff. Meaning I have to rush. Then I have my parents whom always reminding myself that its dangerous out there. I have their rules to follow by. Know what? I can't watch movies alone anymore. They won't let me. Well I don't blame them. I blame these crazy people who do bad crazy things to others. Psycho freaks and all. When I walk alone too, I'll be paranoid. I'll look around checking out, making sure I'm safe.
Its not fun anymore. So I want all those alone time back!
The closest to fun is my time at Little White Cafe. But I rarely go there. I think for this year, I went there alone just twice; once for breakfast and another one for tea. But that's good enough. I felt the contentment after that. So that's good :)
I am not the type who wants to be out all the time. I appreciate time at home too. Even though I have nothing to do, it is still fun. My freedom to me is only that, I get to do things all by myself. Since I have so much limitations, cuz I am still under my parents care, I have to obey them. So I don't have much time to go out. And of course, I'll prioritize meeting people more. With the thought "oh well. I can squeeze in my time alone". So yeah.
But sometimes, having so much limitations is sickening. Up to the point I wish I have someone who'd wanna do stuff with me all the time. Just one person. Who can synchronize his/her time so we get to do almost everything together. Who can take off the expectations on me, and be with me. Although I am a pain in the ass. Well the problem is that, I am awkward, so I tend to hurt people. I don't know how to deal with them sometimes. So not everyone can stick by me.
Again. I miss my freedom. Le sigh.
Just another thought. maybe I should start re-defining freedom. Anyway alone time now is very precious now too. Close to not getting any. And I should be learning to be with others more. then I'll know how to cope with them. Yes? I hate myself for being so awkward sometimes. So I know, I should be doing something about it.
And I can't keep on hurting them. I have to stop.
