You can press forward long after you can’t. It’s just a matter of wanting it bad enough.

Words are cheap, if there is no action to prove their worth.
Well, most of them are. But some are priceless, especially when they can't be transcended through actions. When they can only be described.

Feelings. How do you show feelings? Often they will be misinterpreted if they don't come with words.

Sometimes I believe actions would suffice to show how you feel. But there are times when only words may do the trick.

And this is when words become priceless. Nothing could compare to how much they worth.

So choose your words wisely, and please know when to give em all away, or when to keep them with you.

For when you let them out, you can't take them back.

And it always feel like a part of you is gone with them.

They change things. They will start something new, or just end it. Or they will prolong, they will make things more exciting, or they will pull you down. They will change your tone, they will change your mood. They can lift you up to the top of the world, or chain you down in the darkest dungeon.

They will haunt you. They will linger in your mind.

Silence is golden, or it could just kill you. With wonder.

And with all of these come patience. And wisdom.

Feelings. You are the culprit.

When other people treat you poorly, keep being you. Don’t ever let someone else’s bitterness change the person you are.

And I am sick of this.
C'mon self.

To be great does not mean you have to dominate others. It means youhave to dominate your own potential.

Back to the year 2003. 

Ten years ago. 

That year, I was in my form 4. That year was the year we have to stream out in school based on our interest.. Or I suppose? So that year was the year I have to decide my career path - or more like the year parents asked us to decide. Some kids decided theirs later. 

But not us. For my parents, we have to decide then, so we can layout our future plans straight away and come to think of it, its easier for them to work things out, to pave the way for us. 

It's so much easier to be firm early. Maybe. 

Well that's what I thought at first. 

Being the ambitious freak then, I laid out mine. I was fifteen and I was so certain. No hesitation, nothing. But apparently, school placed me in science stream; which were the normal thing to do as science stream seem to be a popular option among the students, and I was lucky (?) enough to be placed there. I am not sure why, but that's how things were, or still are. Arts stream apparently were the least popular option, and usually students who go there were not driven enough to choose where do they wanna be. The less motivated bunch I would call them. 

But Arts stream is where I wanted to be. So instead of joining the others making an appeal to be in science stream, I made an appeal to be transferred to Arts stream, particularly the accounting class. In school we call it "sastera ikhtisas". 

To be honest, I don't really know what's ikhtisas meant. Well another honest confession I still don't know what it means now. Ah well. 

I know it's nothing big but it kind of shocked the teachers. I actually had to get my parents to go to school and confirm to appeal. Not sure why, because the class that I want to go was not that crowded, and I think it's an easier option as its less popular. Maybe because of protocol. Kan? However yes, the teachers don't feel like its a good option. 

Sometimes I wonder why people look down on the options that we choose. Just because its less popular you'd think it's not a good option? Who came up with that? But through out my life I do find some people who think accounting is petty, its not important and just an admin job, that somehow they look down on that field. 

Haven't you heard, the one who has control over money is the most influential? Heh okay. That wasn't the reason why I've chosen my path. 

Anyway, one of the teachers who were shocked was actually, the accounting teacher himself. Here's the dramatic part; when he found out he actually followed me while I walked back up to class. Disbelieving what he's heard, and asking himself why. So he tried to stop me to ask me, why? 

In which I turned and says "because that's what I want."

That particular moment was one of the gems of memories that I still keep in mind. It was one of those moments when I feel so certain of myself. 

But how can I be so certain, so confident? 

Through out the 10 years I've gone through since that day I've decided,  I did revisit my thoughts to think things over; have I made the right choice? Why accounting? Is this what I really want? 

I lose that certainty. 

Getting to where I am now, sometimes I see this path I've chosen is like my old love, old flame. Like, at that moment on, I am so sure I want this. But the feeling, the love for it loses over time. Due to... Life? 

But I still wonder if, this is my soul mate. Haha how can I compare like this? If you get what I mean. Like you know. I am not sure if now life has proven we are not meant to be so I should start over, or I'll find my love for it again one day and just carry on? Dah macam old couples pulak, kan?

Well okay I am serious about this. Especially when you're stuck at a cross-road you can't help yourself but to wonder. 

Is this one of those relationships that is destroying me, so I should end it? But how should I start again? 

Maybe I have to ask myself this too, it's actually what my friend asked me yesterday; what do you see yourself in 5-10 years? 

Guess what, I can't answer that now. So I guess that's what I have to find. 

And you know what else do I have to find? The stronger parts of the old me that I've lost in touch with. That girl who was so fearless. Who was so certain in deciding. 

Where is she? 

Written on Tue, Sept 3rd.

What lies before us and behind us are tiny matters when compared to what lies within us.

0713 from farahmexx on 8tracks Radio.

Again, I left this blog with all the virtual cobwebs for the past 2 months.
It was supposed to be a breezy two-months, before the usual busy-ness comes.

However, things got really crazy, I don't even have much time for a lot of things. Including this.

And I somehow over-worked myself, I started July with 2-days MC.

So yeah. Let me pick up my pace again.

For now, enjoy the playlist I made above.

Never let people know that they got to you. Ignore them. Hold your head up high and pretend all their negative remarks don’t even phase you, and someday they actually won’t.

“I’ve chosen my side. A good mix is good, but in my opinion it’s proven that we didn’t get that previously. Can we get it right this time, with everyone starting to be so unreasonable these days? Many believe in change, a drastic one. But I believe otherwise. I believe what we all need is improvement, not a drastic change.”

“One more week to go. And to be honest I am very worried. I don’t know who to believe and what to believe. Everyone has their own point to make, yet I don’t know what’s exactly in their hearts. Or if what is presented is the truth or if it is a lie. All I am certain is that everyone has their own hidden agendas and that’s the scariest part of it all. Ya Allah, please protect my country.”

Anxiously waiting for May 5th. And it's getting to me too. I get the fever. And I don't like myself when this happen. Every 5 years. This will happen.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Of making amends.
Back to "Redemption" period I talked about previously.

I don't feel like I succeeded. And I don't know if I have failed.

Given the most recent blow-ups, or recent flops, or recent phone calls, or recent interactions with some, it got me into thinking;

Maybe I am too late in making amends. Am I? Or maybe everything is beyond repair. I don't know.

 Give me  a sign.

A problem is a chance for you to learn.

Okay something positive.

From Al-Baqarah:

"And remember that Abraham was tried by his Lord with certain commands, which he fulfilled: He said: "I willl make thee an Imam to the Nations." He pleaded: "And also (Imams) from my offspring!" He answered: "But My Promise is not within the reach of evil-doers." (2:124)

Remember We made the House a place of assembly for men and a place of safety; and take ye the station of Abraham as a place of prayer; and We covenanted with Abraham and Isma'il, that they should sanctify My House for those who compass it round, or use it as a retreat, or bow, or prostrate themselves (therein in prayer). (2:125)

And remember Abraham said: "My Lord, make this a City of Peace, and feed its people with fruits, -such of them as believe in Allah and the Last Day." He said: "(Yea), and such as reject Faith, -for a while will I grant them their pleasure, but will soon drive them to the torment of Fire, - an evil destination (indeed)!" (2:126)

And remember Abraham and Isma'il raised the foundations of the House (With this prayer): "Our Lord! Accept (this service) from us: For Thou art the All-Hearing, the All-Knowing." (2:127)

"Our Lord! make of us Muslims, bowing to Thy (Will), and of our progeny a people Muslim, bowing to Thy (will); and show us our place for the celebration of (due) rites; and turn unto us (in Mercy); for Thou art the Oft-Returning, Most Merciful" (2:128)

"Our Lord! send amongst them a  Messenger of their own, who shall rehearse Thy Signs to them and instruct them in scripture and wisdom, and sanctify them: For Thou art the Exalted in Might, the Wise." (2:129)

These are what our Prophet Abraham AS has prayed to Allah during the time he was made an Imam to the Nations, and the time he and his son Prophet Isma'il built the foundations of Makkah. 

A lot that we can get just by going through these few ayats in the Quran. However one of the reminders I was reminded earlier this week was that: 

Prophet Abraham AS has prayed during his time, and if we notice all of these were granted during the time of our Prophet Muhammad SAW. and his people. His ummah. 

A thousand years after.  

So a great reminder, that for us the servants of Allah, we must keep on praying. We must remember Allah, and ask from Him, for the things we wanted or for others, while going through hardship or while we're at ease, when asking for directions and signs. For everything we need, or want. We must pray for them from Him.

And we must be confident, have faith and we must know this; our du'a will be granted by Allah. No matter what. 

Also these hadiths:

The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “There is no Muslim who offers supplication in which there is no sin or severing of ties of kinship, but Allah will give him one of three things in return for it: either what he asked for will be hastened for him, or (reward) will be stored up for him in the Hereafter or an equivalent evil will be diverted from him.” 

{Narrated by Ahmad, 10749; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Mishkaat al-Masaabeeh, 2199}.

In the hadith which was narrated by al-Tirmidhi from Abu Hurayrah, who said: “The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: ‘There is no man who prays to Allah and makes dua’ to Him, and does not receive a response. Either it will be hastened for him in this world, or it will be stored up for him in the Hereafter, so long as he does not pray for something sinful, or to cut the ties of kinship, or seek a speedy response.’ They said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, what does seeking a speedy response mean?’ He said, ‘Saying, “I prayed to my Lord and He did not answer me.”’” (Al-Tirmidhi, 3859; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 852).

InsyaAllah our prayers are/will be granted. Aminnn. 

One thing is for sure: Regardless of the situation, life goes on.

So I figured, a cross-road wouldn't describe my situation well.
I am instead, at the edge of a jetty.
Thinking,
Should I
Find an empty boat to sail away?
Or should I
Build one myself?
Or should I
Swim?
Or should I
Let myself fall into the ocean, and float on?
Or should I
Wait for a boat to come & hop in?

But, what if I have
Missed the boat?
Or
I don't know how to build one?
Or
There is no boat to begin with?
Or
I am not strong enough to swim, or even, to let myself float?
Not strong enough to fight the current?

Even if I have chosen & make up my mind,
Which way should I go?
Should I
Just let the wind take me?
Or should I
Take control, and go north?
Or should I
Go south instead? Or east, or west?

Where do I begin? How should I begin?

Oh by the way.
Happy Belated Birthday to me. I am 25 for almost 3 weeks now.
How do I feel about being 25?
I don't know.
I don't know how should I feel about it.
Heck, I don't know how should I feel about everything currently.
I just don't know.

If it were easy everyone would do it. This is why get rich quick schemes will never be true. If it was so quick and easy then everyone would be millionaires. Accomplishing great things is hard work, but well worth it.

I know I'm still in the abyss,
And I can't seem to swim up.
All I am doing now is to depend on "my oxygen tank", which I guess in time will be of no use to me anymore,
The oxygen will run out.
So is my time.

Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck.

Blame the GoPro footage, or should I blame my dad for spending too much time in the camera shop?

I was watching the footage of people doing pretty awesome stuff and they carried GoPro camera to capture & record those beautiful moments.

And I was mesmerized, I was pumped. Just by watching them. The urges to start doing them on my own started to kick in. They bring back all those memories of doing them, and dreaming about them.

Maybe, if you have been following me, or if you know me you'll know how much I love to try extreme activities. I dreamt of these things ever since I was little. I remembered, during the time when there's a show where we can write to them on our dreams and they'll make it come true, I've written that I wanted to sky surf.

Obviously I didn't send in, I chickened out. Plus I was like what, 9? That seems almost impossible for me at that point of time.

Anyway.

Alhamdulillah, I am so blessed that I actually got a chance to live in a country where I can try some of them. Sometimes I do wish I am determined enough to collect money and tick off stuff on the list, as many as I can.

Like sky dive, or cliff dive, or just base jumping anywhere. White water rafting, tramping etc.

And you may know how much I love jumping down something. I think its kind of crazy that I do, and I have that urge of re-doing them whenever I jumped once. If only money flows like water in my pocket, I will definitely do a few bungee jumps & canyon swing on that day. Heck, I'll just go on 20,000 ft and jump off an airplane.

There's something about jumping. No, the thrill is not when you fall.

The thrill started when you're at the edge, waiting to jump down. Every time, at that moment I'll look down, and ask myself "Are you insane?". I asked myself that again and again.

And with tawakkal, I stopped thinking about it and I let myself. I jumped. I took that leap of faith.

And when I fall, that moment? I felt so alive. Like I just jump-started myself or something.

Those were the times. Now? All I do is I long for it to happen again.

I mean, I am not talking just about the jump. But also, that thrill of taking that leap of faith. To take the leap of faith to just jump down a base is not that hard as compared to making decisions in my daily life. Maybe because often I end up not getting anything.

But I can't just stop and chicken out, right?

For now I have time to recover. And I am taking my baby steps for this as I am pretty much still confused and unsure of everything. And I have, and I must, gather my strength back.