What lies before us and behind us are tiny matters when compared to what lies within us.

0713 from farahmexx on 8tracks Radio.

Again, I left this blog with all the virtual cobwebs for the past 2 months.
It was supposed to be a breezy two-months, before the usual busy-ness comes.

However, things got really crazy, I don't even have much time for a lot of things. Including this.

And I somehow over-worked myself, I started July with 2-days MC.

So yeah. Let me pick up my pace again.

For now, enjoy the playlist I made above.

Never let people know that they got to you. Ignore them. Hold your head up high and pretend all their negative remarks don’t even phase you, and someday they actually won’t.

“I’ve chosen my side. A good mix is good, but in my opinion it’s proven that we didn’t get that previously. Can we get it right this time, with everyone starting to be so unreasonable these days? Many believe in change, a drastic one. But I believe otherwise. I believe what we all need is improvement, not a drastic change.”

“One more week to go. And to be honest I am very worried. I don’t know who to believe and what to believe. Everyone has their own point to make, yet I don’t know what’s exactly in their hearts. Or if what is presented is the truth or if it is a lie. All I am certain is that everyone has their own hidden agendas and that’s the scariest part of it all. Ya Allah, please protect my country.”

Anxiously waiting for May 5th. And it's getting to me too. I get the fever. And I don't like myself when this happen. Every 5 years. This will happen.

If it were easy everyone would do it. This is why get rich quick schemes will never be true. If it was so quick and easy then everyone would be millionaires. Accomplishing great things is hard work, but well worth it.

I know I'm still in the abyss,
And I can't seem to swim up.
All I am doing now is to depend on "my oxygen tank", which I guess in time will be of no use to me anymore,
The oxygen will run out.
So is my time.

In times of great stress, it’s always wise to keep busy, to plow your anger and frustration into something positive.

Of reading thought catalog.

That's one thing about me.

I am more into what's in others' minds rather than what's factual, what's really happening in this world.
I am more into how people express how they feel, than what information they have to offer and share.
I am more into their deeper thoughts of themselves, rather than what they think about the current issues.

Not that I don't read about other things, I do, there are times when I get obsessed with current issues so I'll start reading on how others view the issue, what's the issue about etc.. but lengthy comments and information about something may make you feel so overwhelmed. Which sometimes I prefer having a conversation about it, rather than reading them.

These thoughts of others? They're precious, usually they're not something talked about out in the open, with random people.

And sometimes they were not expressed correctly if you were to have a conversation about it. I don't know, maybe that's just me? Haha. I really need to take time to let out how I really feel. And apparently I suck at writing about it too. Pretty much I just don't know how to express. Hence why I am drawn to these deeper thoughts of others too - they write so well.

However, to have a conversation about it? That's one of the best that you can have. Precious conversation.

Which I don't get lately. Heck, actually to be honest, I have been longing to have a really good conversation. About anything and everything really, from something about the world to something about ourselves. But if possible, I want these endless conversations with just one person.

One day, I will :)

Life is way more enjoyable when you stop trying to be cool and simply focus on being yourself.

I am turning 25 soon.

So it's another round of reflection is in progress.
Maybe this time, I will write them down. In detail.
And hoping this time, I will find what I am, and have been looking for.

My lost dreams.

Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone. Some of your best life experiences and opportunities will transpire only after you dare to lose.

It's all about trying to get myself comfortable in the mud, trying to ignore the smell of smoke/weed, trying to fight for a space where there's not many taller people blocking my view, trying to relax while holding two heavy bags and standing for 3 hours not being able to move my feet a lot

and

trying to hold my tears from running down my cheeks.

It wasn't a comfortable situation but

I still enjoyed every bit of the show. It was magical, awesome. And trying to pinch myself, or ask myself again and again "is this really happening?". Waited for this ever since I found my love for this band back in 2009, and there you go, they came.

Whether closing my eyes to get the feel of the songs, or get myself mesmerized by the visuals - simple yet I can't take my eyes off them. Everything is just so perfect.

It has been a very rough and emotional months, especially during this last quarter of 2012. I've come to a point where I have all of my 2012 nightmares came true. Then at the same time there's quite a number of happier things happened/happening and I am a part of them; including this particular event. Alhamdulillah.

And through out, their songs are some of those essentials which have been accompanying me, thick and thin.

These mixed feelings really stirred up especially when they played Glosoli, Hoppipolla & Meo Bloonasir. Thinking of what I've associated them with - be it people, events, places, wishes & dreams. Wishing for the impossible to come true, though I know it won't.

But I told myself not to cry last night.

I am not really sure why. Although I think it's pretty obvious.

Maybe I need more time.

However. Thank you thank you thank you. Terima kasih. Takk Sigur Ros. 

Thank you for everything. And especially, thank you for last night.  

And Urbanscapes is one of my ultimate getaways of 2012. Although it's only in Padang Astaka, PJ. Let's just leave it at that. 

There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a good read, a good walk, a good hug, a good smile, or a good friend.

So on Friday at work, I kinda misplaced my parking ticket... 5 minutes after I parked my car.

Freaking 5 minutes. Then I spent another 10 - 15 minutes, looking for it in the parking lot, and in the car itself.

Haha. But that's not the point of my post.

When I went up to my workstation, and continue looking for my ticket in my bag, my dear colleague decided to help me out. Knowing a mess that I am, she gladly helped me, and tried to calm the drama-queen me. So nice of her.

She went through my wallet. My messy wallet.

Well I keep a lot of things in my wallet. Other than receipts that I "forgot" to clear, you can find movie tix, concert tix (sometimes)... even the lomo filters are in my wallet. Hah.

What caught her eye, was actually a playing card.

She was like "why do you keep a Joker card in your wallet?"

Without thinking, as I was busy going through my handbag, I replied "Oh, sentimental value".

Then I paused. The memories started rushing in.

She smiled. And continued searching.

Anyhoo, yeah. That's the reason why I keep all those stuff. Some may call them junks, but to me, they're bits and pieces, which hold a story, or an epic adventure, well basically memories, of me and another person.

I may be forgetful, but I know there are quite a number of things that I hardly forget. Especially those tied up to the stuff I keep, or the songs I listen to, or the places I passed by, or been to, the books I read, the movies, or series that I watched or even the conversations I had.

Memories. They are so easy to make, and for me they're not easy to be forgotten. In a way it is good to keep them close, as they do make you smile from time to time, enlighten the mood when you're down, help to remind you how beautiful life is.

Although I know, it is kind of dangerous to be holding on to them... especially when they make you realize that what is happening isn't as beautiful as it was before. Then you'll feel the pain of "living in the past".

Le sigh. However when I feel that pain? I made them as reminders, to be careful in making memories. Too many memories associated to a person can be very dangerous.

And at the same time, I told myself to never regret anything that I did in the past as they are meant to be my life lessons. So that's what I've been telling myself. These memories? They're gonna be as beautiful as always. I'll smile when I remember them. They'll help me to be strong. They'll help me to keep going on.

So they're still alive in my mind. However I have to be extra careful, as I may end up "living in the past" forever if I hold on to them too much. Which kind of a problem for someone who think too much like me. I tend to let them played in my mind, over and over.

Ah well. That fine line that I have to be careful of.

Anyway.

Amazing how something as simple as a Joker card actually holds so much memories inside yeah? Shows how for me, those little things count. Those little things, are what keeping me happy.

And yeah. I found my ticket at the end. I accidentally put it together with my stack of receipts in my car. Sabar je lah.

If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

So we were talking about the meaning of names the other day at work.
They asked me "So what's the meaning of your name?"

"Farah is an arabic word for 'Happiness'"

and they were amazed by the meaning.

That particular moment it hit me. Okay all my life I knew the meaning of my own name. And I feel so blessed, and thankful to be given that name.

So what hit me?

Just some questions; whether or not I live up to my name. Whether or not I have achieved that, or on my way in achieving that. Do people feel happy when they're with me? Do I make them happy? Is "Happiness" is what I am looking for? And as of now, what's my definition of "Happiness"?

Anyhoo. It's a great reminder I put up there.

And like I told myself gazillions times... I really have to start blogging fun stories. Like my trip to Phuket or my trip to KK, or that recent Treasure Hunting trip up to Bkt Gambang or even about that most recent movie I watched; The Dark Knight Rises.  I know movie reviews sometimes made me all hyped up.

Hmm.

If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.

*cleaning the virtual cobwebs*

Will come back soon.

Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to feel, to be open and authentic. Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around you and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad. This is real life. This is how you welcome new opportunities.

I just turned 24 a week ago.

So what's my wish for myself this year?

I wish that I one day I am able to deal with my own feelings. To be able to control my emotions, and express my feelings clearly.

I know I said earlier that I am progressing. But I know I am not really there yet. Hence the aim.
You see, how I express myself is mostly through my actions. Funny, because I talk a lot! but when it comes to all of these? I become dumbfounded. I shut down. I can't even explain myself.

It'll end with communication break downs.

Even worse, sometimes yes I use words, but they're just like layers to hide how I really feel.  This was at first a defense mechanism that I somehow created, and after that, I just can't take it off of me.

So it is safe to say that, most of the times people think they get me? But they actually don't. But I can't explain myself so I will end up getting angry at myself for not being able to tell them how I really feel.

Although yes, actions speaks louder than words. But they won't be as loud if they were not supported by words. If you get what I mean. They still can be misinterpreted as they're vague.

Often I miss out so many chances and opportunities because of this too.

Sometimes I wonder why is it so difficult for me to be in touch with this part of myself. What am I really afraid of? Maybe first I have to find the root of all these problems. And try to find solutions from there.

Slowly I can do this. Because this time? I am tired of being misjudged just because I blew up and make it seem like I'm overreacting. Or tired with the fact that I can't even stand up for myself . I am tired of not being able to confront people.

And especially I am tired of loving someone secretly, which I can only express a little bit that its almost seem like I don't even care or I took them for granted. I am tired of wishing and hoping that one day, him/her will see all of it through the things I do or how I reacted to them. Cuz let's face it, they won't. Even if they do, they will still question my actions as they are still open to interpretation, and pretty much confusing.

Our days are numbered. I don't want to be left behind having the regret of not telling people how much I love them. And I don't want to leave the world with this kind of secret, you know?

So yeah.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

You have to accept that some things will never be yours, and learn to appreciate the things that are only yours.

Before you let go, first you have to accept that you can never have that thing you want.
If it never meant to be yours, then it won't.

It took me a very long time to get that registered in my head. And to accept it? To be honest, I don't know if I have accepted it. I don't think I have.

So now, to find that acceptance. Then I will let go.

One step at a time. O' Allah. Make me strong.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

mode.


"20 seconds of insane courage. Embarrassing bravery."

I had my mini-20 seconds of insane courage. By saying yes to something that I am not sure if I actually need or can say yes to. But I did it anyway.

So I am going somewhere. Gonna be away from the hustle & bustle of this concrete jungle, for about 2 weeks? But the first week is a business trip, which means my job is tailing me at the back. Hopefully I get to ditch them for the second week.

Maybe I can do a self-evaluation while I'm away. Like, killing several birds with one stone.

Because I think by getting a change of air might help myself to think more clearly. There's so many reasons why I suddenly say 'yes' to that. Mainly is because I think I need it.

For a week, I keep on contemplating whether or not I should proceed. I know I need it, I want it, but do I deserve it? But right now I am not sure if I deserve it, but I need it so much so that I just have to say yes. I believe it'll help me.

So I better make sure there's an outcome out of all these. I need to start 'scraping' off all that dirt that is blocking my 'view'. Yeah.

Bismillahirrahmanirahim, 

Ya Allah. Permudahkanlah semua urusanku. Amin. 

Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. Start small. Start now.

I admit. I don't think that I have given enough.

I spent so much time on the net, browsing. Well I am not the type who feed myself with the current issues. Seriously my knowledge of the current situation, of the economy, or the well being of a country is poor. I know I should be feeding myself with all of those, but somehow I just don't. Slowly I am trying to grow my interest in that. InsyaAllah.

So, what did I browse? Anything else but not the stuff I mentioned above.

Facebook, is just the place for me to share photos, and play my games. But I don't do that often now. Sadly. Twitter is my 'new blog'. The 140-characters-blog.

And Tumblr is my virtual room. That is where I found stuff that I can relate to; from general knowledge to sharing of feelings. All the graphics & words. They're funny. They touched my heart too.

Also now,

From time to time, I find myself drawn to You, Me & Charlie; it is a website created by one of the most beautiful person on earth; Dianna Agron. Hah I have a huuggee crush on her. She's on my top 5 Girl Crush list. Along with Emma Stone, Mila Kunis, Demi Lovato & Leighton Meester. ehe okay. :P

This website basically collects all kinds of writings & other stuff made by everyone else. Mostly I find them inspiring. I feel better when I browse through it.

I told myself this; I can do the same thing. I do have the 'niat' to spread my love through words, or graphics. However until now, here I am thinking, but not doing anything about it.

1. I  don't exercise them so much, I mean yes I do talk, I doodle, I take photos and stuff. But I don't practice them on a daily basis that I find myself having writer's block more often than not, or if I have photos I don't know if I projected what I want to project to people. If they feel like how I felt when I shot them. So I am not sure how inspired they get when they see my stuff.

2. I still limit myself. On what to say, what to share. Yes. I still do. Always wanted to go anonymous and start sharing as another person, but I still can't.

Okay so maybe I should not be too ambitious. I should start small. Maybe by making just a person to smile. Hah.

Then I realize something.

Especially now, I think I am at the position where I can't inspire people. Here's one obvious example. I know very few people come here and read, but can you see how dark is this place now? And it is getting darker & darker by the day.

You know what, I am turning to Eeyore. Seriously.

So, who to start it with? haha.

Sad to say this, but I know that I have to make myself smile.

First, I need to get my 'niat' right.

And all along I believed I would find you, Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more

Currently listening to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years

Yang dirai #1

Nonie & Ikhsan - Tied the knot on 4 Feb 2012

Their Solemnization

Their Reception

 Yang dirai #2

Nana & Imran - got engaged on 5 Feb 2012

It was one of the most beautiful weekends I had in my entire life. Everything is just so perfect.
To both of you, Nonie & Nana, I am very happy for you both. Still can't believe they happened though, everything was so surreal! Now one of us has taken that BIG step, and another is on her way... I guess we are all grown up already :P And InsyaAllah, there will be little ones to join this family? hehe. My prayers are always with you all. May you have an everlasting love, and a beautiful marriage. Amin :)

p/s: Never felt so happy in a long time - I can even finish a burger at 2am! Have to say, that's really something, considering I have appetite problem for awhile now. So I have to thank you girls for that.

Really, thank you :)

If I broke your heart last night, It's because I love you most of all.

Currently listening to Ryan Gosling's You Always Hurt the One You Love

You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all

*          *          * 

“How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?”

"I think the only way you can find out is to have the feeling. You're a good person. You have the right to say I do trust. I do trust myself."

*          *          * 

"I don’t know, I just feel like I should just stop thinking about it, you know, but I can’t. Maybe I’ve seen too many movies, you know, love at first sight. What do you think about love at first sight? You think you can love somebody just by looking at them? But the thing is man, I felt like I knew her, you ever get that feeling? Yeah, I probably don’t right…it felt like I did though. […] She just seems different, you know? I don’t know, I just got a feeling about her. You know when a song comes on and you just gotta dance?”

*          *          * 

So I just watched this movie. And here's some lyrics, and quotes that I picked up. Particularly towards the start of their relationship. 

The doubts. The faith. The illusions. The expectations. The outcome. 

All comes down to that one feeling. All are depending on it.

Maybe one day I can be sure of all these myself. 

To be honest, it sucks when the feelings go away. Especially when they aren't yours. So you're stuck. And watch another just take another step forward. And all you can do is to accept fate with all your heart. 

Well.

It's about the perfect timing, that I can't even control. And about the right person. And with the right perfect reason. Then everything will just fit perfectly. 

Feelings won't go away. The worst that could have happened would be, that it may get lost somewhere. But will be found back. 

I'm praying, and I'm hoping. 

It is really something, I'm confused, Saw it at my window, in a dream of you

Currently listening to Great Northern's Warning

Since I started working, I know that the joy of working won't last.
I know what I have been lacking; passion.
And I've been looking for it. Tried to really get into it.
And I failed.

Tried it again, and failed. Miserably.

I thought I have lost hope. But then I realized.

I can always find other reasons why I am willing to go through what I am going through everyday.
Maybe I lack of passion. Yes. But that will not stop me.
Maybe it is harder to go through this, as many would say "Do what you love then everything will get easier"

But all I know is that, I am not a quitter. I can't quit at least not now. Not yet.
And yeah, I am not sure if I can say I am doing what I love. But I am 100% certain to say "I am doing this for the people/things I love".

I'll rise and shine.

Never. I don't remember myself feeling terrified once before. Like how I feel now.

Its always like "I'm scared" but it was never "I'm terrified".

O Allah, from You I ask for a stronger heart. Amin.

I will turn things around. I must.
To start with, I need positive posts. Stuff to keep my mind off things.

Go do, you'll know how to, Just let yourself, fall into landslide

Currently on repeat: Jonsi's Go album

You always know how to carve a smile on my face. A genuine one.

Well thank you, Jonsi.

I am hopeful.

Amin.

I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it, even if I did I don't know if I will quit but I doubt it, I'm taken by the thought of it.

Currently listening to Ne-yo's Because of You


My travelling wallet was abandoned til last week.
Cuz finally I get to fly to the Borneo! Okay can tick that off my bucket list. I know, I am proud to be Malaysian, but so not proud of the fact that I've never been to certain places in Malaysia like Sabah, Sarawak, Kelantan & Terengganu. Boo Hoo.

Anyway let's save the KK journey for next time shall we? Back to my story...

While waiting for boarding time, I was going through that travel wallet. I forgot that I've been keeping some of my 'memories' there; like flight tickets, movie tickets, theater tickets, rugby tickets, concert tickets, my EFTPOS, my stamp cards for bubble teas, smoothies and coffees (or in my case is chocolate - I'm more of a chocolate person), some 'butterflies' from the Coldplay concert... pretty much it sums up the things I did when I was in NZ.

So I was excited and all the memories kept on rushing back in. Feels like I traveled thru time for a bit.

And my mom, being the mother started to point out how I can strive better in Uni if I don't play around too much. I agree with her. I mean c'mon, I know I can do better, definitely. If I pay attention more and if I put more passion into it. To me I've tried working hard for it, but I admit that I lack of passion when it comes to things I study back in Uni.

I paused for awhile. Then I realised something else. And I told her one thing

"Well Ibu, for me it was time well spent."

 I don't know. I know that I could've done better at Uni cuz I was this one annoying ambitious freak.

But I never regret how I spend my time over there. All these memories I have.

They're my most prized possessions when I'm living in NZ.

And to this date, I feel so blessed to graduate within my expected time to graduate. heh.

Alhamdulillah.

Next week is graduation week again. So I'm feeling more nostalgic than ever. Have I talked about stuff we do on the graduation week back in 2008? I can't recall. If I haven't maybe I will :)

Still I have, in my eyes, Still I have forever.

Currently listening to Dewa's Aku Cinta Kau & Dia


I know Suppression is unhealthy.
But please, let me have it. Just for a little bit longer.
I can't afford to blow up for now.

Please?

Amin.