Notice and cherish life’s surprises. Just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for.

Over dinner the other day...

P: So, what makes you feel happy lately?
FM: Wait. What makes you think that I am happy?
P: Well, because lately, we always heard you sing while you're walking around and all.
FM: Umm... I was singing to Whitney Houston's I will always love you kot?
P: But that's a love song.
FM: Its a break-up song Yah, if you notice.
P: Still.

Question was left unanswered.
haha. okay.

Whatever it is, it kind of proven that I can hide how I really feel by doing that. If that's the case.

If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

So we were talking about the meaning of names the other day at work.
They asked me "So what's the meaning of your name?"

"Farah is an arabic word for 'Happiness'"

and they were amazed by the meaning.

That particular moment it hit me. Okay all my life I knew the meaning of my own name. And I feel so blessed, and thankful to be given that name.

So what hit me?

Just some questions; whether or not I live up to my name. Whether or not I have achieved that, or on my way in achieving that. Do people feel happy when they're with me? Do I make them happy? Is "Happiness" is what I am looking for? And as of now, what's my definition of "Happiness"?

Anyhoo. It's a great reminder I put up there.

And like I told myself gazillions times... I really have to start blogging fun stories. Like my trip to Phuket or my trip to KK, or that recent Treasure Hunting trip up to Bkt Gambang or even about that most recent movie I watched; The Dark Knight Rises.  I know movie reviews sometimes made me all hyped up.

Hmm.

For you I bleed myself dry, for you I bleed myself dry.

Currently listening to Coldplay's Yellow (the live version)

I have not been a good daughter. I can say that I am a bad one. Each day, for as long as I remember, there must be something that she does, or she says, that will just push that "rude button" and make me go crazy mad at her. Yes. That's me and my mom.

To be honest, my relationship with her is very odd. Like I said before, unlike my brothers, I don't show much love. Well that's me. I have my ways of showing some love, but indirectly. That's the sad part, because it takes a lot of effort in people to actually notice what I have for them. If they fail to notice, then they won't feel loved. By me.

Only now, I realize I am getting better at expressing, which is an achievement, I must say.

But I still suck at it. And this is what I do to everyone. Including my mom.

Hence why it's odd. We don't show much love. We don't hug often. Instead we fight. We can yell at each other. Back then when I was away, if we were to fight my dad has to take over the phone and ask us to take a breather, then he hung up.

And either one of us will only call back when we can think straight.When we were not mad anymore.

Then we were confused, on how do we get to that boiling point.

We criticize. We make fun of each other. Which is for a daughter? not so good. Sometimes I forgot that I have boundaries, hence the rude jokes. Thank God she was okay with it. Most of the times. So I am thankful for her 'coolness' when it comes to that.

We were like friends. We gossip. Almost about everything. Well sometimes she can be a sister that I never had.

I am thankful for that too.

But yeah, its a super roller coaster ride. She's unpredictable. And she affects me deeply. I can get migraine from being mad at her. And the whole day is ruined if I were to fight with her in the morning. But when we didn't fight? Most days were bright. She gave me that strength.

Sometimes I feel like she's the boyfriend I never had.

LOL. I know! But I always tell myself this, if I can handle her, then I am ready to handle someone else. aka. My husband... and my kids.

And she's the ultimate mom I am proud to have. The tough cookie. Forever so inspiring. Always so happy. A loving wife. A cool mom (most of the times, hehe). Always positive.

And she's not young anymore. Which I need to start appreciating her more often.

I know.
She carried me in her for 9 months.
She went through hell, she went through a lot of pain while delivering me out to this world.
She took risks... risks that affected her the whole life to make sure I wasn't flawed during delivery.
She raised me.
She does everything to make things right for me.
She is there. Always.

And yet, here I am, making her sad. Always making her mad. Always being so rude to her. Not making her smile.

I took her for granted.

So now I vow to myself. 

I won't take her for granted anymore. 

I will try to lessen the fights. And make her smile more. 

I will do anything for her. And I will prove that. 

I love you, Ibu. 

I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it, even if I did I don't know if I will quit but I doubt it, I'm taken by the thought of it.

Currently listening to Ne-yo's Because of You


My travelling wallet was abandoned til last week.
Cuz finally I get to fly to the Borneo! Okay can tick that off my bucket list. I know, I am proud to be Malaysian, but so not proud of the fact that I've never been to certain places in Malaysia like Sabah, Sarawak, Kelantan & Terengganu. Boo Hoo.

Anyway let's save the KK journey for next time shall we? Back to my story...

While waiting for boarding time, I was going through that travel wallet. I forgot that I've been keeping some of my 'memories' there; like flight tickets, movie tickets, theater tickets, rugby tickets, concert tickets, my EFTPOS, my stamp cards for bubble teas, smoothies and coffees (or in my case is chocolate - I'm more of a chocolate person), some 'butterflies' from the Coldplay concert... pretty much it sums up the things I did when I was in NZ.

So I was excited and all the memories kept on rushing back in. Feels like I traveled thru time for a bit.

And my mom, being the mother started to point out how I can strive better in Uni if I don't play around too much. I agree with her. I mean c'mon, I know I can do better, definitely. If I pay attention more and if I put more passion into it. To me I've tried working hard for it, but I admit that I lack of passion when it comes to things I study back in Uni.

I paused for awhile. Then I realised something else. And I told her one thing

"Well Ibu, for me it was time well spent."

 I don't know. I know that I could've done better at Uni cuz I was this one annoying ambitious freak.

But I never regret how I spend my time over there. All these memories I have.

They're my most prized possessions when I'm living in NZ.

And to this date, I feel so blessed to graduate within my expected time to graduate. heh.

Alhamdulillah.

Next week is graduation week again. So I'm feeling more nostalgic than ever. Have I talked about stuff we do on the graduation week back in 2008? I can't recall. If I haven't maybe I will :)

Continuing from the breakfast talk with family.

There's a series of talks, or just some alone-time thinking, that summed up whatever I am going to blog about now. 

Yes, once before, I shared one conversation with one of my dearest friends, that she said this 

"I don't know. I just cannot see myself in like... you know... around 2013?"

- I rephrased it :P Hello, I can't remember her exact words!

Anyway. To be honest, that was the first time I heard someone said that. And it got me into thinking at that time, where do I see myself then? Until when, what year I can see myself? How far is it from now? 

I am not too sure of what got me confused; the fact that I don't know the answer myself, or the fact that I never thought asking myself that particular question before. 

To go back several years back, back in schooling-I-am-very-ambitious days. Well, I do have a plan. Like I laid out my path clearly. Where do I wanna be, where am I going to work at, as what, what car I'll be driving, what kind of house am I going to be living in, with who, etc.

Okay it wasn't that detail. Although, it does sounded like.. it is. 

Of course, through out the years, those 'details' change. Like I know now I don't wanna be living in an apartment because I want a lawn or a backyard, and I don't think I can afford a mini cooper by the time I'm 30. Oh one more thing, being someone's wife is a part of my plan now. Haha I know, for shame! Why? Because initially I somehow forgot to put that in! okay malu. 

But yeah. I do have a plan. But still, that doesn't mean I can put "up to what year I can see myself". If you get what I mean. I never plan that far I guess. 

And to be honest, quite a lot of things in that 'imaginary list' (or do I write it down somewhere? hurm.. gotta look for it) changed, or changing, or in consideration to be changed. Hence why I actually need to sit down and 'update & amend' that plan. 

Come to think of it, maybe a time traveler, or a psychic who can see themselves far away to the future. Ambitious ones, they have a plan, they can see themselves far. Quite a visionary yes, but still everything is a blur. For me to tell myself I can see it is... scary. Don't you think so? What if it won't go as planned? 

 I know. Focus on the present. Dream of the future. 

I guess everyone gets scared. Those who can only see themselves in a shorter distance, should think of it this way - well. There's always a fun way to paint a blank canvas. Yes? Don't worry if you can't see it now, cuz slowly you'll see it. Clearer than those who have planned. And sometimes it is even better to surprise yourself. Cuz when you realize there is so much to change from the old plan, that's when you get terrified. 

And from our breakfast talk, Ibu said this

"Well for me, I keep on praying so Allah will let me raise you all. Until you're big enough, then He is free to take me."

And she always reminded us that we can pray for longevity, because by then we can devote ourselves more to Him. 

Well then. I like what she said. Something I keep on reminding myself. Whatever it is, always fear that you may not have enough time to repent, and to set things right and to appreciate life as how you should. 

There's more to this whole one week thoughts. But its becoming more private than this that I shall just keep them to myself. Heh. 

FM: .. You know. Some people just cannot see themselves; what they're gonna do and all in certain number of years.
MAR: So can you see yourself... when you're 80?
FM: hmm.. To be honest ibu, I always see the younger version of myself. Never see the older version of myself. Oh maybe I'll become a vampire - I'll be immortal!
MAR: ...
LA: well, Man always see that Abang nanti Ada anak, Firdaus Ada anak.. And Kak Ngah jadi vampire wannabe!
...

Gotta love the breakfast talk. I love my family.

Although the conversation sounded merapu, actually the end of it got me thinking. I'll continue tonight, hopefully :)

I wish that somehow, You’d tell me out aloud, That on that day I’ll be ok, But we’ll never know cause, That’s not the way it works, Help me find my way

Currently listening to Sami Yusuf's Make me Strong
(finally got the full album from a Colleague :D)

While trying out the portable iPod/iPhone speakers using my iPhone, I shuffled and Sigur Ros' Hoppipolla was chosen & played.

My family was like

"cover your ears!" 

 "no! my eyes!!"

"is this the Clarice's death song???" 

Ok somehow this is funny. LOL. Whatever peeps. I don't care and I know Clarice love this song.

Yes, he’d be a powerful ally, another dark jedi. He will join us or die.

The perfect song for this? It's the Bentframe Comedy Star Wars Gangsta Rap:

Vader and Sidius:

It's not the east or the west side.
No its not
It's not the north or the south side.
No its not
It's the Dark side.
You are correct.
Keep frontin' of the Empire, So all you vader haters out there, go blow your planet up!
What is thy bidding my master?
It's a disaster Skywalker we're after.
What if he could be turned to the dark side...
Yes, he’d be a powerful ally, another dark jedi.
He will join us or die.

We got deathstar (DeathStar)
We got deathstar (DeathStar)
We got deathstar (DeathStar)
We got deathstar (DeathStar)
We got deathstar (Deathstar)
We got deathstar (Deathstar)
We got deathstar (Deathstar)
We got deathstar (Deathstar)
And you know that we got it (Deathstar)
And you know that we got it (Deathstar)

Fades...

Uncle Owen:

Luke, getcho ass over here right now,
Stop monkeying 'round that landspeeder,
Where them two droids I asked you to clean boy?,
Did you clean your room?

Luke:

Uncle Owen, I know I'm on probation 
I cleaned the droids 
Can I go to tashi station 
I got a lay away on a power converter 
But now you're treating me like a scruffy nerf herder 
Obi Wan (Ben):
Luke use the force and run 
Run to dagobah run to dagobah
Luke use the force and run
Run to dagobah run to dagobah 

Yoda:

I'm Yoda, I'm a soldier 
I'll mold ya and fold ya 
I though I told ya 
Don't be unwise 
Judge me not by my size 
You won't believe your eyes 
Once the X wing rise 

Luke:

Yoda why you bein' a playa hata 
You know that I must still confront Lord Vader 

Yoda:

But Luke, 
Not ready are you 

Luke:

But there's a city in the clouds where they're keeping my crew 
A Jedi's got to do what a Jedi's got to do 
So now Vader, I'm coming for you 

Vader:

Impressive now release your anger 
You must have sensed what your friends are in danger 

Luke:

OWW! Why'd you slice off my hand 

Vader:

Its imperative you understand 
Obi Wan would never bother
Telling you about your father 

Luke:

He told me enough - he told me you killed him 

Vader:

Then there's something I must reveal him 

I'm your father
I'm your father 
I'm your father 
I'm your father 
I'm your father
I'm your father 
I'm your father 
I'm your father 

Uncle Owen:

Knock em out the box Luke 
Knock em out
Knock em out the box Luke 
Knock em out
Knock em out the box Luke 
Knock em out
Knock em out the box Luke 
Knock em out
Knock em out the box Luke 

Original Star Wars Gangsta Rap - A funny movie is a click away

Currently listening to the sound of showers in the bathroom =P

Received a text from my neighbors to be careful when "little strangers" a.k.a random kids asked you to send them to an address. I was told it's a scheme - as the destinations will lead to where the bad guys are waiting. So don't send them to the addrerss, but instead, send them to the police station. Please take note.

Seriously, I just don't understand why others love to violate people's trusts and kindness. Like, I always wanted to help someone with a broken car on the side of the road (although I actually don't know what I can do there except making calls :P) but whenever I voiced out that thought Adam will be like "no, they might not be nice you know". And for example when people in need ask you for money - out of random kindness people will donate you some. But some crazy people will take an advantage of that, by scheming people with the "help" of poor kids, or "nak bina sekolah pondok/surau/madrasah" etc.

What now, we can't be nice anymore? There won't be a pure random act of kindness as many would start to think twice whenever they want to do something for people. I would prefer to do things without hesitation, but nowadays, I just can't help it. All because of these evil people.

Come together, right now, over me.

Currently listening to The Beatles' Come Together. 

Listening to them reminds me of the conversation we; my family & I, had the other day, while we're on our way back home from Kedah. We never listen to The Beatles in the car before as I don't think my parents have any of The Beatles CD... well not that I know of. Until we decided to use my iPod (this is before most of us in this family got themselves an iPhone *sigh*) and I have this album:

So while listening to the album, my dad was telling us that he cannot understand why people like The Beatles so much. And apparently my mom and I agreed to that. Haha. Its quite unlikely that my mom and I agree to the same thing when it comes to music - because she doesn't like most of the new genres, and my music taste. 

And Adam will be the one standing up for the Beatles, since he's a fan kan. Can't remember what Luqman & Firdaus's say in all this. I think they're both with Adam. 

But then, after this whole debate, we continued the journey by singing along to their songs - together. Well, not all of them. Maybe almost all of the songs. 

Then it hit me there and then, that somehow, my dad's, my mom's and my question is answered. More or less.