For you I bleed myself dry, for you I bleed myself dry.

Currently listening to Coldplay's Yellow (the live version)

I have not been a good daughter. I can say that I am a bad one. Each day, for as long as I remember, there must be something that she does, or she says, that will just push that "rude button" and make me go crazy mad at her. Yes. That's me and my mom.

To be honest, my relationship with her is very odd. Like I said before, unlike my brothers, I don't show much love. Well that's me. I have my ways of showing some love, but indirectly. That's the sad part, because it takes a lot of effort in people to actually notice what I have for them. If they fail to notice, then they won't feel loved. By me.

Only now, I realize I am getting better at expressing, which is an achievement, I must say.

But I still suck at it. And this is what I do to everyone. Including my mom.

Hence why it's odd. We don't show much love. We don't hug often. Instead we fight. We can yell at each other. Back then when I was away, if we were to fight my dad has to take over the phone and ask us to take a breather, then he hung up.

And either one of us will only call back when we can think straight.When we were not mad anymore.

Then we were confused, on how do we get to that boiling point.

We criticize. We make fun of each other. Which is for a daughter? not so good. Sometimes I forgot that I have boundaries, hence the rude jokes. Thank God she was okay with it. Most of the times. So I am thankful for her 'coolness' when it comes to that.

We were like friends. We gossip. Almost about everything. Well sometimes she can be a sister that I never had.

I am thankful for that too.

But yeah, its a super roller coaster ride. She's unpredictable. And she affects me deeply. I can get migraine from being mad at her. And the whole day is ruined if I were to fight with her in the morning. But when we didn't fight? Most days were bright. She gave me that strength.

Sometimes I feel like she's the boyfriend I never had.

LOL. I know! But I always tell myself this, if I can handle her, then I am ready to handle someone else. aka. My husband... and my kids.

And she's the ultimate mom I am proud to have. The tough cookie. Forever so inspiring. Always so happy. A loving wife. A cool mom (most of the times, hehe). Always positive.

And she's not young anymore. Which I need to start appreciating her more often.

I know.
She carried me in her for 9 months.
She went through hell, she went through a lot of pain while delivering me out to this world.
She took risks... risks that affected her the whole life to make sure I wasn't flawed during delivery.
She raised me.
She does everything to make things right for me.
She is there. Always.

And yet, here I am, making her sad. Always making her mad. Always being so rude to her. Not making her smile.

I took her for granted.

So now I vow to myself. 

I won't take her for granted anymore. 

I will try to lessen the fights. And make her smile more. 

I will do anything for her. And I will prove that. 

I love you, Ibu. 

I won't give up on us, Even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up

Currently on repeat: Jason Mraz's I won't give up

Quite a number of my friends have love on their card this year. Alhamdulillah :)
Me? Haha I don't know.

I have a lot to learn. Be it about love, or about myself even.

I'll take baby steps on this.

Things have been pretty rough. It was not a smooth start. But I'll keep on trying. and I'll keep on hoping.

Patience. and Hope. I need them.

I won't give up.

2012

A new pair of spectacles, so the eyes can see clearly

A new set of stuff for a good care of my hands

A new set of "Finding Mr Bright", to feed my confidence & optimism

And the One Thing to search for the lost heart, and the lost soul.

Maybe this time, I'll get out of the cycle?

InsyaAllah. One can always hope, yes? :)

Whatever it is, I still need to find something for my skin.

Goodbye, 2011.

And hello, 2012.

I really need to learn to let go. 

1 resolution for 2012, perhaps?

December 1st.

Warning: This post may contain spoilers. Harap maklum :P

For awhile I think it's so much better to "borrow" other people's words to sum up how I feel. That's when Tumblr reblogs come in handy. But then, they're not from you. Not your words. I should start blogging again, keeping this one updated regularly.

Its summer here in Wellington. I was thinking of working part time so that I have extra cash to travel, and to buy stuff. Looked around for it, but unfortunately for now the luck is still not on my side. It's hard to get a job when you're lacking experience, and when you only want to work for a short period of time. Well, I just have to keep on trying.

So I ended up doing stuff I usually do over the holidays - watching movies, watching TV series, and wasting my time with unnecessary activities.Wasted my time, but I enjoyed it. This is the only time I have anyway, because I'll be busy next year for sure. So why not just do things I can do while I still have the time?

I think I have set a new record for myself - watched 4 different movies at the cinema in just a week. I don't remember going to the cinema so much for one week before. That happened on the week New Moon was out. So it's obvious New Moon is on the list. Other than that I watched My Sister's Keeper, 2012 and This Is It. 

So how's the most anticipated movie of the year (for me) - New Moon?

I even bought this t-shirt with Aqilah to be worn during the screening:

But it ended up only me wearing one because Aqilah couldn't find hers. I reckon she accidentaly brought back hers when she went back home during Spring Break...

Semangat kan?

Well, I think the movie wasn't so bad. I prefer the movie than the book surprisingly. Usually when the movie is based on a book, you'd prefer the book because of the details, and sometimes movies cut off or change some scenes to fit into a 2-hour show.

But for New Moon? I would prefer the movie. One reason is because of Jacob and his abs! ahah okay that's not the reason actually. For me the book is draggy, and depressing, so the movie is like cutting all those crap and make it shorter. Although it's still draggy, but it's better because it's shorter so that's good for me. Seriously, if you're not a fan, or you didn't read the book, just don't go to the cinema. Trust me, you'll find it a waste of your money. I think the fans will appreciate the movie.

Let's wait for Eclipse. They should have more actions there. hee

Well the week was well spent I guess. The movie choices were not bad for me. I like My Sister's Keeper - it's so touching, and I bet reading the book is much better than just watching the movie. Maybe I should give it a go. I think 2012 is really scary, like 10 times scarier than Sinking of Japan for me as it's the end of the world, but I was pretty disappointed with the movie because the ending is not like what I've expected. I wanted everyone to die! because you know, its THE END OF THE WORLD! but ah well. Its just a movie anyway.

What I have learnt from the movie:

1. Have 1 Billion Dollars. But to make 1 Billion Dollars are... impossible. So..
2. Get a pilot license. Or maybe marry/ be a really good friend to a pilot. If possible a hot and selfless one. Keep them to you at all time - since you don't know when is "the end of the world"
3. Own a plane for yourself. I think this is possible...
4. Consider migrating to China.
5. Be selfish. If you are selfless you are definitely going to die.

I know in reality, when the end of the world comes, you know you won't survive. Nauzubillah, I should pray to God that I won't be around during the end of the world... Aminn. But maybe the list above should be useful is one of the big disasters happened. Haha.

Out of the 4 movies watched that week, This is It is the best!

I was in awe the whole time. If this show still on, I think I would pay any amount just to go and catch this show. It's just phenomenal. It is another whole new level of concert experience. You can see how hard MJ worked for this. For a fifty year old to be doing basically everything is just wow! Especially the choreography part. I don't know whether I can even dance with full energy when I turn 50. I think the non-fans can also appreciate this movie. Cuz I am not really a huge fan anyway, I mean I am not those who can sing all of his songs, and I am not someone who remember all the dance moves, or try dressing up like him, or learn the moonwalk. I just grew up listening to his songs, can sing some of his songs and stuff. And yet I love the movie. It's worth it. This one is on my top-10 movies of the year definitely.

I think I would love to experience pop concerts. Like Britney Spears'. That should be different than the concerts that I have been to.

But up until today, I haven't watch any new movies at the cinema. Yesterday we took the booklet for the vouchers, so maybe soon we will pay a visit to the cinema. For now I want to watch Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (I don't know whether this one is still in cinemas or not...), and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. I can't remember other movies that I want to watch for now. Oh, the movie The Lovely Bones, or Time Traveller's Wife should be nice too.

Yeah but for now, let's just watch movies and series at home. I think 4 movies in a week is like too much. Maybe I can go to the cinema next week. ehe.

Time to go. Probably I'll continue blogging later. I need to surf the internet at the uni. Ours is on dial-up so it's super slow...

later!