I really need to learn to let go. 

1 resolution for 2012, perhaps?

Are you lost or incomplete? Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece? Tell me how do you feel?

Currently listening to Coldplay's Talk

I am a broken record. I know. But I am still posting this. 

You know, as you grow older, what you want is simple - to appreciate life. You want to smile more than you frown. To laugh more than you cry. To see every good thing in everyone and in everything. To talk about more happy stuff rather than complaining all the time. To be doing something you love. To feel that satisfaction you've been imagining since you were small. To have more certainties about the future. To have less drama in life. To feel contented. To tick off those stuff on your bucket list.

But as I grow older. I don't know if I smile more. I know that I cry a lot. I feel that everything is damaging myself; my self-confidence, self-worth. I complain more. I know I am not doing what I love. I seldom feel satisfied. I created more dramas in my life. And yes, I don't know if I ticked-off anything on my bucket list. Wait, do I even have one? Okay. 

I see everything is a bitch;

Life is a bitch. 

Timing is a bitch. 

Reality is a bitch. 

Cupid is a bitch. 

I am a bitch.

You are a bitch.

I can see every aspect of my life is ripping apart, one by one. 

I don't feel like I have been appreciated. 

I don't feel like I have been treating people the way they should be treated. 

I don't feel like I have given my best in doing my responsibilities. 

I suppressed my feelings more. 

I feel hurt. I hurt people. 

I've been stupid.

I am not constantly reminded. Although I do put up some self-reminders for myself. Brain just refused to sink them I guess. I forget a lot too. 

This year, I took a detour. I concentrated only on one aspect of my life, and somehow the rest all were left behind.. and that's how everything fall apart.. I think. Or maybe the 'effects' from my past decisions just starting to pull me back too. I need to really think about this through and through. 

I wish I know how to deal with all these. Been telling myself to take it slow. But everything else is moving too fast so yeah. I'm stuck. 

I know I really need to act fast. To change things is a bit too late, so I really have to find ways to make do. To make things easier for me, before I took that drastic move. 

But first, I need to learn to love myself. I need to bring out the sunshine in me. 

I need you now, do you think you can cope?

Currently listening to Matchbox20's Mad Season

this is pretty :) Happy Holidays peeps!

And suddenly I feel that this song is exactly what I am trying to express. It is a definitely a mad season, and I don't think it'll end anytime soon. Whenever I thought I am seeing rainbows I realized, its a mirage.

Instead I see the rain - not the kind that I love. Well, I have love-hate relationship with rain. So it's the same with my life, especially work life.

Alhamdulillah, months have passed, although I am struggling, trying to meet expectations that are overwhelming and getting more and more ridiculous day by day (sometimes), I think pretty much I still survived. I can't say a lot now, I really have to pass this season only to conclude on how I performed.

Everything is like a yo-yo - it goes up and down so fast even I can't keep up. Seems that they have decided to be girls - with mood swings.

Like today, good news and bad news all come at the same time. I don't know if I should be celebrating, or continue mourning. It's like that.

I find myself trying to go "against the current" on a lot of things than to just become who I think I am supposed to be - but honestly, no matter how much I am trying to be a rebel, slowly I am losing, and become... a workaholic. Sometimes when I get the momentum I just go along, have sleepless nights, "walking on clouds", and still be energetic. Then when the momentum gone? Its like I just couldn't care less anymore.

Hah. I realized that I am becoming more and more nostalgic. Maybe its because year end is approaching so I am starting to do my own review - 2010 review.

A year has passed so very quickly. And I think I have been running in circles. Can't even measure how much have I grown in 1 year; Sometimes I feel like I learned a lot, and sometimes its like I've learned nothing at all.

So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid?