Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

mode.


"20 seconds of insane courage. Embarrassing bravery."

I had my mini-20 seconds of insane courage. By saying yes to something that I am not sure if I actually need or can say yes to. But I did it anyway.

So I am going somewhere. Gonna be away from the hustle & bustle of this concrete jungle, for about 2 weeks? But the first week is a business trip, which means my job is tailing me at the back. Hopefully I get to ditch them for the second week.

Maybe I can do a self-evaluation while I'm away. Like, killing several birds with one stone.

Because I think by getting a change of air might help myself to think more clearly. There's so many reasons why I suddenly say 'yes' to that. Mainly is because I think I need it.

For a week, I keep on contemplating whether or not I should proceed. I know I need it, I want it, but do I deserve it? But right now I am not sure if I deserve it, but I need it so much so that I just have to say yes. I believe it'll help me.

So I better make sure there's an outcome out of all these. I need to start 'scraping' off all that dirt that is blocking my 'view'. Yeah.

Bismillahirrahmanirahim, 

Ya Allah. Permudahkanlah semua urusanku. Amin. 

What a beautiful mess this is, its like picking up trash in dresses.

Currently listening to : Jason Mraz's Beautiful Mess


It should be a breezy week, but days were spent mostly to absorb more information, then only to have fun. So its not that breezy. Hah, maybe I still need that long holiday. Lets see if the extra 3 days with the bitches would give what I have been longing.

I am in Malacca by the way, wanted to take pics but my phone is sick, so I am disconnected most of the times. That's really sad. Because I do almost everything with my phone. I don't even carry a camera these days.

Gotta get it repaired asap.

That's about it, what  I have been doing for the past few days. Maybe will blog later if I feel like it. Right now, I am distracted with something else. So looking for other things to do to distract myself from this distraction, it feels like blogging is not it. Explains the short post eh?

Giving myself several days to be distracted. To have fun a little. Then I'll look for some me-time to absorb everything in, and think everything through and through.

Ya Allah, please give me strength. Amin.

Say goodbye! These days are gone, and we can't keep holding on, When all we need is some relief from these hard times.

I still cannot find the finish line.

Hopefully it'll be just for a while. No time to run away from all this. And now, all I need is Mr Optimism. So one day, I can sing along to that verse.

I love Matchbox20 =)

Well it's been a long time, long time now, Since I've seen you smile.

Currently listening to Beirut's Nantes


Have you seen the Thailand thriller "The Shutter"?

Well, in that movie the main character has been piggy-backing a ghost without him realizing. From time to time, he just realizes that his back and neck were aching, and he is heavier than he should when he weighs himself. I think it's like two times heavier - as he is carrying another person with him.

And that's how I feel.. metaphorically of course. The burden is too heavy. So many back logs, so little time.

A week left. God. Why am I just so bad at this?

Just have to admit this.

So I just reached one year milestone. Alhamdulillah =) Maybe the next is the third year? Thinking about it just made me... cringe a little you know. Because

1. I can feel my performance is definitely deteriorating. Currently am looking for ways to get back on track. And this feeling just freaking me out. I know it is temporary. But yeah. Still scary.

2. I am afraid that one day I'll be celebrating as if I am in a relationship with it. Like you know, anniversaries? Although now I can see myself heading there. Okay maybe this could be the reason for #1.

I better think fast. And I must get back on track. Time to re-strategize.

Kau menahan segala siksa, Di hati hanya berdoa, Kuberenang ke pelabuhan, Mencari cinta sebenar

Currently listening to Nash's Pada Syurga di Wajahmu.

We were talking about sleeping habits just now over at the dinner table, then my mom was like 

"I think among all four of you Kak Ngah is the one who hardly moves when she's asleep. Especially when she's still a baby, I can actually put her at the edge of the bed and she won't fall you know. Even now - that's why she can sleep with the laptop on her.."

taken from their website

I guess Sleep Cycle is pretty much accurate. Because I stopped believing it when the sleeping pattern captured showing that seldom reach deep sleep . I am always in between awake and dreaming - basically I was never really asleep the whole time. There are times I reached light, medium/deep or deep sleep but it'll only last for only an hour.

Before, I thought maybe because I move a lot that makes it think I am not asleep.

So my theory is incorrect, and it's time to face the truth: I need to find ways to sleep.

How long has it been going on like this?  I think since I got really busy with work.

Maybe I need that magic sleep app?

Ok. Back to work.

I need you now, do you think you can cope?

Currently listening to Matchbox20's Mad Season

this is pretty :) Happy Holidays peeps!

And suddenly I feel that this song is exactly what I am trying to express. It is a definitely a mad season, and I don't think it'll end anytime soon. Whenever I thought I am seeing rainbows I realized, its a mirage.

Instead I see the rain - not the kind that I love. Well, I have love-hate relationship with rain. So it's the same with my life, especially work life.

Alhamdulillah, months have passed, although I am struggling, trying to meet expectations that are overwhelming and getting more and more ridiculous day by day (sometimes), I think pretty much I still survived. I can't say a lot now, I really have to pass this season only to conclude on how I performed.

Everything is like a yo-yo - it goes up and down so fast even I can't keep up. Seems that they have decided to be girls - with mood swings.

Like today, good news and bad news all come at the same time. I don't know if I should be celebrating, or continue mourning. It's like that.

I find myself trying to go "against the current" on a lot of things than to just become who I think I am supposed to be - but honestly, no matter how much I am trying to be a rebel, slowly I am losing, and become... a workaholic. Sometimes when I get the momentum I just go along, have sleepless nights, "walking on clouds", and still be energetic. Then when the momentum gone? Its like I just couldn't care less anymore.

Hah. I realized that I am becoming more and more nostalgic. Maybe its because year end is approaching so I am starting to do my own review - 2010 review.

A year has passed so very quickly. And I think I have been running in circles. Can't even measure how much have I grown in 1 year; Sometimes I feel like I learned a lot, and sometimes its like I've learned nothing at all.

So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid?

Cause I can't face the evening straight, you can offer me escape.

Currently listening to Radiohead's Last Flowers

1. "At the end, a job is not just a job, is who you are, and if wanna change who you are, you have to change what you do.." - Remy, The Repo Men (2010)

2.What if I have no passion in anything at all? Is that even possible?

3. How to kill many birds with one stone? And be a sharp stone thrower at the same time so I won't waste my time? Maybe I should train myself in Angry Birds - but that is killing pigs using birds. But thats almost similar right?

4. I am craving for a piece of creamy cake. so bad. Thats the sign obviously!

5. Why is it becoming harder everyday? Maybe I shouldn't have told myself to stay positive. Maybe I should just say 'go with the flow. don't worry be happy.. and to the hell with the rest...!'?

6. Okay. Breathe in, breathe out.

7. Seriously this blog? is boring. Well, I am boring. Need to find new topics to babble about. hurm.

8. Well I got my cake already thanks to the brothers. Who are willing to drive out at night and get me a piece. Although I paid for it, I feel better. Much better. ngeee.

9. Now, waiting for Glee then I can have my break. But the thing is, the download got cancelled, gotta start it all over again. I shall thank you reckless self and this workload and stupid moodswings.

10. I am just thiiisss close from exploding. God help me.

11. Not gonna wait for Glee. Cuz the internet has decided to be a bitch.

12. Don't throw tantrums Farah.

13. Migraine attack. Fuh. Breathe in, breathe out.

14. Sometimes I wonder how do I survive the day feeling like I am floating?

15. If only I can float. Like a bubble. But without bursting. That'd be nice :)

just some collection of thoughts that crossed my mind while stressing over everything for the past few days.

He said oh I'm going to buy a gun and start a war, If you can tell me something worth fighting for?

Currently listening to Coldplay's Rush of Blood to the Head

I think I should stop pretending that I am not that busy. I can't take away my time for something else. Maybe for the next few months, I shall devote myself to you. Although I am hating this, but my time is for you.

With hope I won't go insane in the end.

Okay.

Maybe I still need to keep this blog active to stop it from happening.

Well actually, all it takes is to plan my time well. Then I don't have to throw away my love for other things just for you. kan?

Is that possible? Why is it so hard miss?

Almost 9 months and I am still very slow. Its a problem right?

you're frozen, when your heart is not open.

Currently listening to Madonna's Frozen

Sometimes I just feel that I am lost. I don't know what I am doing, I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know why the hell my brain choose not to work. I feel like I am sleeping. But with eyes wide awake.

I just feel so stupid.

...

and I feel like screaming.

I'm not really like this... I'm probably plightless

Currently listening to Bon Iver's Blindsided

Despite the fact that I did some less emotional posts just recently, I am still a mess. And I am way behind of my schedule. My schedule of everything; work, study, even life. It's like life is a pause, but not really a pause cuz everyone else is still moving. Which left me, crawling like a turtle. Or maybe, even a turtle can go past me.

Okay this is not supposed to be a sappy post. Well it sounded like one though. The reason why I decided to post up something is so that maybe my brain will work. Today has been very unproductive. Yesterday was way better, at least I did something. Today even the internet decided to slow down. *sigh* Hence why its effing hard to go into my employer's network. ughh I need to do some work!

I also made a playlist which is supposed to help in keeping me awake and maybe boost my mood to concentrate. It contains songs that have lyrics that I can't understand or comprehend (Actually its Sigur Ros lol) so that I won't pay attention to the story of the songs, and some instrumental stuff. Okay and some mellow songs, which can help as well. I think.

Did it help? To be honest, it helps, but a bit. I can stay awake :) But, firstly, I think I lost the playlist, I guess there are too many playlists in my iPod til it cannot take another one. So now I just simply choose whatever I want to listen. Secondly? I tend to get distracted. You know how music can make a still picture become alive & moving?

Okay not literally, you still need your imagination.

While I was studying my mom joined me at the 'meja besaq' area, cuz that is where she paints as well. She's finishing her "pancake rocks" scenery. And when I took my break from staring at the notes, I will watch her paint. I envy her, but that's not the point.  You know how Sigur Ros' songs are always like inspiring, or makes you think about how beautiful life is, how beautiful everything is in this world? Yeah, so thats when I get distracted. Somehow my mind was in NZ. Watching the waves bashing to the rocks. With the beautiful blue sky and puffy clouds. That's when I feel the peaceful-ness. Just me, the waves, the rocks, the coulds and the sky.

Its always like this. Sigur Ros always reminded me of NZ. Maybe its because I listen to them too much. Like how everytime I listen to Hoppipolla and suddenly I feel like I was walking along the Terrace/ walking up to the Botanical Garden/ making my way to Kaffe Eis, or just breathing thru the smell of my room while lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling/ the green outside.

This is the problem when you tend to create the soundtrack of your life. Like Hoppipolla is associated to the year 2009. or Fix You is the song for the year 2007. etc.

I am always distracted. If I turn off these songs, I'll get sleepy.

And to be honest, it's not that easy to concentrate when you have other things to do. I wish I can just spend a day and try to finish whatever I can, but how? if my mom finds out I'll be doomed! I am hoping that I can do that tomorrow. Tonight and tomorrow, so I can study peacefully.

...yeah right.

Better get my life organized before everyone is going to come after me.

Okay just when I have the mood to study, my mom ajak me to go and visit my ex-teacher. She's going off for Hajj.

Alhamdulillah :)

ini tidak adil, tidak adil, bagiku.

Currently listening to Yuna's Penakut

Random conversation with my colleague in the car:

We were complaining on how the roads in KL are always congested. Day or night, there are always a lot of cars on the road. Like all the time! So I made a statement that sounded like this: "as if they have no life, always on the road driving."

Haha. Come to think of it, because they have a life lah they're always on the road. Always headed somewhere. Always have plans. kann? Probably they're on the way to meet friends, or to dinner with family, or to run errands, or going to their favourite spot to chill.

I don't know why but I just have this mindset that everyone is like me; always driving to/from work. Or client-hopping. LOL.

Self reminder : Not everyone is like you, Farah. Boo hooo!