Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?

Currently listening to Mogwai's I Love You, I am Going to Blow Up.
okay, the title above is not from Mogwai - actually, this band only does instrumental rock stuff. I discovered them from Last.fm-pages-hopping and I think they're cool ;)
Anyway, the title above is from Pink's Glitter in the Air.

It is reflecting how I am feeling now, or at least what I want to feel right now. I just finished my first ever CPA Australia paper, and I have to say that I am not very proud. I know I could have done better, but given my current state of mind, I dare say that I've tried my best.

So now I am just praying hard that I will pass. Aminn.

I am now very tired up to the point that I just feel like throwing up. Is that even possible? Haha I don't know. Lately I just have that feeling-to-throw-up. Its been going on for days. Sometimes I think its because of my iron deficiency problem, which apparently agreed by my mom.

To be honest I don't know if its confirmed that I still have iron deficiency (or if I actually have other types of anemia.. as far as I can remember its written on the medical report in 2007 (thats 3 yrs ago!) that I have iron deficiency, and another check up in 2009 stating that my blood pressure is low, but its the normal low. However I cheated by taking the iron pill the night before shhhhhh) but the last time I checked when I went to see the doctor (which is a few months back), she did commented on my low blood problem and asked the same questions; do you feel like wanting to faint? how can you walk with this kind of condition??? anddd do you exercise a lot? no?.. okay you're weird (okay the you're weird remark came from only from one doctor =P). My brother Firdaus sometimes commented that I looked pale.

Maybe I should really do another check up to confirm. ah well. Looking up at wikipedia, which I don't know if we can rely on this 100% (but it seems alright) and some other random medical websites, I do have the symptoms. Ah, I am taking iron pills on (almost) daily basis together with other supplements so let's hope that's enough. I can go for a jog without feeling like passing out so I am fine, right?

But the jog is only for like 10 - 15 minutes? la la la la la la- Why is there mosquito at this hour? it's annoying! Its been a LOONNGG time since we had a lot of mosquitos in the house. Better find the source and kill them all. *sigh*

ugh enough of this. I wanted to blog about something else but yeah here I am babbling about something else. pfftt..

Anyway, apart from the exam, the rest of the day has been, relaxing. I've got my alone time so I feel good. I get to feast my eyes with Pandora beads - yes, Pandora has opened in Bangsar! And I just found out that they have one outlet at Empire Subang and opening up another one in Pavillion. Apparently Habib has started selling Pandora awhile ago, it's just that they don't have that Pandora boutique until just recently.

Sadly in NZ its much cheaper, which is sad because I am like so far away from NZ.

But better not fret. Well at least they have outlets nearby yes? And maybe that should be a reason why I must only buy for special occasion ;)

Then after feasting my eyes, I went to have my favorite Chawan's Nasi Lemak Bungkus. Thank God they still have them during lunch/tea time and since I didn't have proper breakfast earlier, so I made it my brunch. Haha. Or rather, Brunch + Tea?

And then I drove home, feeling contented :)

Now I am wasting my time before starting a (hopefully) rigorous study schedule to make sure that I can pass my next paper.

Which will be in 4 days time.

Hurm.

I have another 2 posts that I would like to make - one post on music, and another post on fashion. 4 posts pending now. pffttt...

I'm not really like this... I'm probably plightless

Currently listening to Bon Iver's Blindsided

Despite the fact that I did some less emotional posts just recently, I am still a mess. And I am way behind of my schedule. My schedule of everything; work, study, even life. It's like life is a pause, but not really a pause cuz everyone else is still moving. Which left me, crawling like a turtle. Or maybe, even a turtle can go past me.

Okay this is not supposed to be a sappy post. Well it sounded like one though. The reason why I decided to post up something is so that maybe my brain will work. Today has been very unproductive. Yesterday was way better, at least I did something. Today even the internet decided to slow down. *sigh* Hence why its effing hard to go into my employer's network. ughh I need to do some work!

I also made a playlist which is supposed to help in keeping me awake and maybe boost my mood to concentrate. It contains songs that have lyrics that I can't understand or comprehend (Actually its Sigur Ros lol) so that I won't pay attention to the story of the songs, and some instrumental stuff. Okay and some mellow songs, which can help as well. I think.

Did it help? To be honest, it helps, but a bit. I can stay awake :) But, firstly, I think I lost the playlist, I guess there are too many playlists in my iPod til it cannot take another one. So now I just simply choose whatever I want to listen. Secondly? I tend to get distracted. You know how music can make a still picture become alive & moving?

Okay not literally, you still need your imagination.

While I was studying my mom joined me at the 'meja besaq' area, cuz that is where she paints as well. She's finishing her "pancake rocks" scenery. And when I took my break from staring at the notes, I will watch her paint. I envy her, but that's not the point.  You know how Sigur Ros' songs are always like inspiring, or makes you think about how beautiful life is, how beautiful everything is in this world? Yeah, so thats when I get distracted. Somehow my mind was in NZ. Watching the waves bashing to the rocks. With the beautiful blue sky and puffy clouds. That's when I feel the peaceful-ness. Just me, the waves, the rocks, the coulds and the sky.

Its always like this. Sigur Ros always reminded me of NZ. Maybe its because I listen to them too much. Like how everytime I listen to Hoppipolla and suddenly I feel like I was walking along the Terrace/ walking up to the Botanical Garden/ making my way to Kaffe Eis, or just breathing thru the smell of my room while lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling/ the green outside.

This is the problem when you tend to create the soundtrack of your life. Like Hoppipolla is associated to the year 2009. or Fix You is the song for the year 2007. etc.

I am always distracted. If I turn off these songs, I'll get sleepy.

And to be honest, it's not that easy to concentrate when you have other things to do. I wish I can just spend a day and try to finish whatever I can, but how? if my mom finds out I'll be doomed! I am hoping that I can do that tomorrow. Tonight and tomorrow, so I can study peacefully.

...yeah right.

Better get my life organized before everyone is going to come after me.

Okay just when I have the mood to study, my mom ajak me to go and visit my ex-teacher. She's going off for Hajj.

Alhamdulillah :)

La la la lazy assss...

Sometimes I feel like I don't know how MY brain works.

If I have tests during uni week, I'll be very unmotivated to push myself to study for the tests. For me, uni weeks are meant for assignments, trying to absorb info in lectures and go to tutorials.

And now when I have assignments due during study week, I'll be so lazy to finish them. I have two assignments due in Tuesday and I am just halfway through. I wanna do this quick but yeah, I am just too lazy! And my reason for this? For me, study week are meant for studying, preparing for exams. NOT ASSIGNMENTS!

It is as if my brain is set for that. Study week = Study. Am I a robot or what?

But

Do I study? Since I don't do my assignments...

NO

This shows the heart wins every time. I follow what my heart wants too much. I need to put senses in me. Sheesh.

I am writing this just to get "the mojo" to write. To finish off my assignments. I don't know what to write to get me started, since this what crosses my mind, so here I am. Typing this out.

Its already 10pm. And I have not started with my assignments.

GOD FARAH, WAKEY WAKEY!

Malam Pop.

I am too tired to blog, but I bet I am going to be busy soon. Well you know, raya is coming real soon. Then there's tons of assignments, some other stuff to look forward to. I just have the feeling I might not have time for blogging. Maybe for tumblr - yes. Okay I am just so into tumblr-ing right now.

I am pretty tired tonight. It was a long week, maybe because all this while I have long weekends, but not this time though. I had to sit for a test. And just realized that I have a long list of stuff that I have to do, with exams coming up in November. So thinking about them adds up to this tired-ness.

Yes, this time, my papers are all in November - boo me.

So anyway, let's see whether I can finish this post.

Right after the test, I went to watch Up 3D - my first 3D movie experience. It was pretty uncomfortable at first, since I had no choice but to wear 2 glasses to watch that movie. Thank God the movie was awesome so I didn't get too distracted with the uncomfortable condition at that time. Movie like this is something worth watching at the cinema and worth paying more for the glasses because it was beautifully made! As usual, its Pixar's -so it has to be beautiful! Maybe for the fact that it plays a lot with heights, so I guess wearing the spectacles makes it more real. These kind of stuff really excite me. I feel like a kid again :D wheee

Its only September, but I realized there's too many great movies this year. I don't know which one is the best - should it be Inglourious Basterds or Star Trek? There's several months to go so I can't decide now. But out of all movies I watched this year, I think by far, Inglourious Basterds is the one that gave quite an impact on me. I like QT's movie so I guess that's one of the main reasons why I really love this movie : I like his style - gory but not scary, and at the same time its hilarious and full with suspense, and of course - really cool characters. And its like watching a foreign movie because the setting is in France, and they speak German & French most of the time. This movie makes me think a lot about some stuff too. So its really good.

My favorite character in the movie ;)

District 9 is another one 'foreign movie' because there's alien language, and the characters are South African - so they speak English with accent. One weird thing is, Aqilah and I find this movie very funny. But apparently others don't laugh as much. Actually, I think we laughed way too much. Really, there's some simple jokes that I think are laugh-able, but I wonder why people didn't laugh. Maybe its not funny. heh.

Now I wonder, how good will the New Moon be? Maybe it's gonna be one overrated movie of the year. Its not that I don't like it, I really do, actually. But I since everyone was so craazyy (as in really really really crazy) about it, like in the US, we can start pre-book the tickets for November! Tak gile ke tu? And Twilight Saga will win many awards especially the ones that need votes. Shows that how people are so crazy about them. I really hope its going to be good.

Now I have to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Oh, by the way, what can you find in the picture above? I mean there's something hiding in the photo. huhu.

I just feel like blogging.

Warning: this post is pretty long. Haram Maklum.

Listening to : Katy Perry's One of the Boys

I am supposed to do some catch-ups with my studies. Honestly? I feel so left behind this trimester because I have too much to read and being the person who doesn't like to read, you know, its hard for me to keep up.

Apparently one of my papers that I am taking requires me to read a lot! and do a lot of questioning along the way. Another one just requires me to read a lot too, so that I can understand to do the workings later on. The lecturer assumed that I still have my knowledge on stuff that I learned a year and a half ago. Which for me, is not easy as I am so forgetful. One more paper requires me to write a lot. I also have some things to complain on this paper, but at the same time I think I am enjoying this class more than how much I can complain. Probably because its pretty relaxing. As compared to the other two.

Well, don't get me wrong. Its not that I hate the other two, they're just much much more difficult for me to handle as I have problems keeping up with the readings. And I was the one who chose to do all these, and so far I find all three subjects interesting. That should be good yes?

As I said earlier, one subject requires me to question on stuff, which I bet you know what subject it is. The problem with me is, I am so used to being told this and that, and I followed, most of the times, without questioning why. Probably because before I started to take up elective papers, the stuff that I am learning were mostly factual. I mean even if its subjective the lecturer will help you out by giving out all possible situations that make you use your common sense to understand, and somehow have some generic answers to them when the exam comes.

While in this subject, it is more to questioning why this and why that. They are the stuff that sometimes you do have questions on them but you don't exactly say it out loud, or in my case, usually I'll ended up with "maybe they are the way they are" or "they are what they are". I will come to terms with myself that things are meant to be the way they are meant to be. So I become more easily accepting towards things.

Maybe because I don't know much to the extent that I can start arguing. That's why this subject has many readings.

and I don't know when I can start keeping my momentum of reading all these stuff.

Maybe I should go out and stay in the library for me to read stuff. But I bet I will get bored easily and just stop reading and stare out of the window, or probably just enjoy the songs that were played in my iPod.

Or maybe I should go to Gloria Jeans and have something, and bring the book to the store and read while having my usual mango chiller and my sushi/ quiche. Its been awhile since I have that on my weekly routine. Yeah, been busy with fasting, so I don't go out that much... so sad. I miss my weekly sushi as well... yeah since tomorrow is my day off, I think I should do it! but then, I am sure I'll be tempted with the free mags at Borders. Well, who can resist free mags reading?

Ah well, I should just bring the book. Probably I will read at least a bit. That should be good enough :)

Because I don't think I'll do anything with my laptop right in front of me. Just now I managed to do a (very) little catch ups, and that's it. Plus now I have many things that I have to do online; Facebook has so many games applications (which most of them that I really hooked up with are Playfish's like Restaurant City, Country Story, Crazy Planet, and Pet Society), and miss bimbo; NaneeDoll needs constant attention from me okay. And there's youtube, or The Big Bang Theory, or the OC.

How can I concentrate???

Oh speaking of which, I have finished The OC season 1 for now. I don't wanna look for Season 2 (onwards) yet because I won't do any work if I have them.

Watching the OC again just made me realized how much I love and still loving the series. Back then, I was so into it, I blogged about it, I talked about it with friends, I googled for the photos, and photos of Adam Brody =P. And after watching them a week ago, I was in that "bubble" again. I became a bit obsessed, I googled to refresh my mind with the other seasons, and looked for the bloopers. Just the week before that I was into Harry Potter; watched all 6 movies (1 per day) and read the 7th book for the second time. Downloaded the 6th movie game for NDS and finish playing them in 2 days (or so). So that should explain why I don't bother to update my blog until recently. huhu.

Back to the OC, after watching the first season I find that I am more into Ryan's character than Seth. I guess its because they don't concentrate on Seth's life as much as Ryan's. Or probably my taste has changed over time. I don't know. Maybe I should watch the other 3 seasons to find out.

But I still have that celebrity crush on Adam Brody :P haha.

Now I feel like buying the box set for my own collection. So much of thinking that I won't be collecting dramas. But they look so cool.

But there's so many things on my list that I wanna buy. Like this:

been planning to get this for a long time, but never got the chance to grab it. Probably will check it out (again, and again) tomorrow.

I also have plans to get myself a pet. aaa I know, I am crazy right? Firstly, we're not sure whether we can have a pet. But I reckon the one who lives in a cage will be fine so I am looking at the Guinea Pigs. Well, a good substitute for cats (cuz I don't wanna cage cats...), that's what I think. But I don't know yet. What do you think? Is it easy to keep guinea pigs?

If only money grows on trees.

Okay this is totally out of the main topic.

So I guess I'll be bringing my book to Gloria Jeans tomorrow. Most likely. Haha.

And this is damn long. And I should go to bed; its nearly 2 am.

And maybe I should put some "long post warning at the top"...

Ah well, good night :)

tax tax tax tax tax

Actually the reason I was in front of this laptop is because I need to find some sections for my Advance Tax assignment.

Apparently I was too excited because I just found out the "Malaysian" name for Kamen Rider so I decided to blog about it.

Then after finished the post I go back to my assignment.

Only to realized I haven't looked up the sections for the assignment.

Ugh I don't like assignments!

So here I am. Hopefully I won't forget about my assignment again...

It's a start of something new.

a night off.

Had a long long day. And before I resume with my exam routine tomorrow, I choose to tucked myself under the duvet and just rest for the whole night. Instead of trying to cover what to study tomorrow, I covered 2 episodes of Ugly Betty and one episode of Chuck. If only studying is as fun as watching TV, I am sure I can finish it all in just a day.

Life is not that easy kan.

Now trying to get the third episode. Let's hope it doesn't take too long so that I can watch it tonight. he he.

Watching the series made me feel like I'm somewhere else. Happy watching others and their lives. Hoping that one day I can become like any one of them; a secret agent, or someone with the super powers, or maybe a nerd with a hot girlfriend boyfriend (in my case :p), an editor in chief or maybe the assistant.

I know being any one of them is never easy. But wondering if I am in their shoes make me feel like I can be cool tho. To me they are. Unlike myself, I am just a student with oh-so ordinary life. Okay, it sounds like I am complaining. I don't know. Am I complaining? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I am just saying to fill in this post. haha. Fine, I am complaining. But only a bit. One thing that i can be sure of, you'll never be satisfied with whatever you have now. You always want something better. And series can be so influential. They made you feel like there is something else out there for you.

Sometimes I feel like I took the wrong turn. Sometimes I feel like I am lost. That is one thing about life, it is so hard to be certain with it. Like at one point of time, you're at the top. And another point of time, you're at the lowest.

I find it hard to actually live life to the fullest. Cuz I really don't know to what extent is the fullest? Since you always aim for the better, so you may never reach up to the point you think you live life to the fullest.

Maybe I should set a point where I should stop. But when will that be? Which point should I stop? The point where I stop breathing? But we can never know when it will be our time.

Back then, when I am still in school, and especially girls, we have our own 'biodata book' which you'll bring it around to get our friends' bio. When I fill in my stuffs, there'll be a question about what do I want to achieve in life?

My answer will be "to be successful, dunia & akhirat".

Is that my perception about life? Trying to be successful? Maybe I should start thinking differently. It won't be all about just goals and achieve it. Maybe I should re-define successful. Probably I should make the what-do-I-want-to-do-before-I-die-list. What do I want to do in life.

I should reflect myself. again and again.

If only I am freaking rich. Or I have a money tree. They may help you out. a lot. I can choose whatever I want to choose. I can even have a long list of what I want to do before i die, without considering whether I can possibly do it.

ah. life is life. is all about dealing with all decisions I made. and know how to pick myself up if things go wrong.

After all, series are meant to be interesting. If not no one is going to watch them right?

meet the new NaneeDoll.

she's cool kan?

wish I can be like her. I always wanted that hair.

Lapaq

I feel so tired today. Been doing my readings but in a really slow pace, and I am not sure whether I understand everything I have read or not. So now I am typing down and make them into notes. I know, its pretty late to do this, but I'll do whatever I can. Usually I'll write down, but since exams is only 2 days away, I am going to let the hands rest. Let the fingers do the job :P

Watched Heroes while having dinner - recess time so I better 'feed' my curiosity while feeding myself..

Recess time should be the time I relax and enjoy.

Apparently I choose to make myself go crazy.

Porque? Porque Maria?!!

And the weirdest part is, I am kinda enjoying this craziness. I'm sure those who love Heroes will feel the same. Am I right?

Now I feel it. I feel the hunger.

Argh.

I have a few days to go. Come Wednesday and I will feed myself. And I think that will last for another... half an hour? Or maybe less.

its neverending lah.

Too Lost in You.

Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do

I'm too lost in you

Sugababes' Too Lost in You - currently on repeat.

Its nearly eleven and I am all sleepy and tired. Feels like crawling to the bed and slip under the duvet, dig my head into the pillows, hug the two (current) favorite things - hedwig and pudding (which sometimes will be unintentionally kicked out of the bed), close my eyes and let the whole body rest til the next morning.

How nice if I can do that n.o.w.

Probably its the cold weather and full stomach that made me feel that way. Well and of course, I am very tired right now. But I don't want to feel guilty. So I am prepared to open my eyes (even by force) til I feel that its enough for the day.

By the way, I have updated my play list. I even change the player. I find the new one very interesting and so cool! What do you guys think? I have some new recommendations that I have put onto the list. Try and look for anything with "The Section Quartet" or maybe "The String Quartet Tribute".

Thanks to Gossip Girl, I fell in love with the a new genre of music; The String Quartet. And more in love when they did tributes for my favorite bands. The Section Quartet was the one which have the nicest and coolest version of Time is Running Out. Check it out people! And from there, I discovered many other String Quartet tributes; they did for Coldplay, U2, Dashboard Confessional even Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance.

Give them a go and let me know if they stuck into your head :) k?

Okay I think this is enough for tonight. I better get back to my stuffs.


p/s: Oh, thank you Nana for the sangat sedap dinner tonight :)

Monday Blues?

One down, two more to go.

That is the slogan of the week. Haha. "Relieved" is the feeling that I felt when I finished my first paper this week. And the first thing came to mind was "I have I have I have to blog something today!"

But then when I got home, I was too busy catching up with Nana and also, with my sleep. I couldn't really sleep last night. I was too worried and because of that I was totally blur. I can't even decide what to do last night. I was actually staring at questions while asking myself whether I have covered everything or not. Cuz apparently I couldn't think straight which led to not remembering anything that I have read before. It felt like I haven't even studied everything. Tried to figure things out but yeah, nothing comes to mind. Then I realized that I was panicking like mad. I need to lie down and clear my mind. But lying down doesn't help either. So I stayed out of the room for awhile. Thank You to my dear Nonie, Haz and Qilah, they calmed me down.

Okay let's not talk about my shitty night. Its all over. Now I have 4 days left til the next paper. The Killer Paper I would call it. I don't know why, I haven't sit for the exams yet but I can feel that its not going to be easy. I have plenty of time, so what I can do is to make do with everything I have and gather as much information that I can.

I am scared. Dead scared.

Wish me luck alright!

Life in Technicolor.

Plus

equals to

P.E.R.F.E.C.T celebration for our last day of classes.

We all headed up to the botanical garden to enjoy the last day of classes together with the nature and the books we brought to Uni that day. Bliss.

Sometimes I feel like doing this; studying under the sun. Well actually this picture, and the ones similar to it were all fake. We don't have much time that day, so we just took some shots :p. Haha. They can be a reminder, or an inspiration for me. But I am afraid that I'd be distracted with the surroundings.

But right now, the mind is super distracted. I can't really study in the house. The study week has started so I am going to stay at the library for the next few days. If that strategy failed, I might consider Botanical Garden as another place. Hm.. we'll see how it goes.

I am effing worried right now. Like tonight, I ended up doodling this:

Not a close-up as I have typo :p
but I know you can still see it...

and watching Snakes on the Plane. A very gruesome movie, and I don't know why I stayed on watching it while I'm having goosebumps at the same time. Hopefully I won't get nightmares tonight.

oh yah I haven't mentioned this in my Blog, Zalika is in town :D hee

And we both had 'the doodling sessions' using my colored pens and the rules are,

1. Keep on doodling. If there's mistakes, try to cover them (and I failed to cover my typos)

2. Theme: Life in Technicolor

Maybe I'll do another one next time. Haha.

So that is how I used up my time tonight (Not going to say 'waste' as I think I am not wasting any time :P Okay I am trying to make myself not to feel guilty).

And let's hope my rajin-belajar vibe will be in me til the end of the month.

Goodnight everyone!

Reflect.

Guna hati, akal dan fikiranmu
Berbeza
Kau dan juga aku
Dua hati yang tak mungkin bersatu
currently listening to Meet Uncle Hussein's Lagu Untukmu.

I don't know why mothers can be so... unpredictable?

There are times where she called to scold me. Which left me hanging up the phone feeling so uneasy and mad.

There are times where she called to talk about her everyday life. Which left me laughing and realizing that I actually miss home and moments with people at home.

There are times where she called to get updates about me and my daily life. Which left me feeling so happy cuz I know I always have someone that I can talk to.

There are times where she called to give me advices - especially when I am so in need of them. Which left me in awe as I don't know how she always get the good timing... cuz you know sometimes I don't think I need any words of advices til I hear them.

I wanted to list down the 10 things I hate about you Ibu, which I'm sure theres more than 10 =P (I'm not a good child, I know and I'm trying hard to change) but believe me, these things in that list can never beat the one reason why I can't hate you :) The sole reason which links to the long list of reasons why I can never hate you. One deep reason.

I don't know why I suddenly feel like talking about this. Maybe because I realized she just tamed me... without me realizing it. Another side of me just came out, whom unstoppably complains to the point where I think will make more people adding me to their I-hate-you-list. One of those emotional sessions.

A lot happened in just a week. Well definitely my Aidilfitri this year is somewhat different than the ones in years before that. Probably a more meaningful one, and maybe that is the reason why I still cannot have my usual raya posts. I kept on telling myself the usual posts should be fine, but I just couldn't proceed. Probably I feel that there is more that I can share. But another part of me telling me that, some things are better left unsaid, or better left being published publicly.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I have to learn all these now? Sometimes I think that I am late in growing up. I thought that by the time I am 20, I should be ready to be an adult. I thought I had learn enough back then. I thought I'll never encounter all these again. I thought I already make things work. Sometimes I feel like its becoming another circle of life circling in round two. Or maybe round three. Okay I pon tak faham that line.

What is 20 years? I have not graduated yet. I have not entered the work force. So what is 20 years of experience?

Like mothers, life too, unpredictable.

Sometimes I thought I can go thru my life alone. All by myself. But then I realized that I am not 100% right. I am blaming myself for this. I am still not good enough. 20 years is not enough.

She asked me, where's your confidence?

Wonder how a simple conversation about me being so lazy can become something that is... so deep. I feel that the particular question wasn't for just about studying. Maybe she doesn't realized that. A Godsend is it?

You're my neutralizer Ibu, which made me feel that, I really really really really need someone like you to be with me all the time.

But I can't have that do I? I have to bear in mind that, I am alone in this world. No don't get me wrong. I do have people in my life that always have been supportive, accepting to whatever I do. I have my family, I have my close friends, whom I love the most. The ones that I also have a list of 10 things I hate about you (like my mother). And believe me on that list theres no 10 things but 20 or 30 or maybe 100. Well I am sure you do have this list on your close friends and family too. or am I the only one?

Although I do have them. But they can never help me if I don't help myself. So yeah thats the key to my success - myself. That is why I keep on telling myself I am all alone in this world. I have to learn not to be dependant.

I have been telling myself many things. A way to remind myself.

I have to remember Kak Nah. Oh ibu told me about their trip to Wang Kelian. Is that how you spell it? The border between Malaysia and Thailand. 'The Jejak Kasih' trip they call it. She called me, at last I get to talk to her. Previously I think I got her number wrong, so I can't contact her. But yeah, I manage to control myself from crying. But when I knew Firdaus were crying all the time meeting her, I couldn't help myself but to cry. OMG she suffered enough. I don't think I can handle that.

Then I remembered another friend of mine. And another friend of mine. Then a friend of a friend of mine. Them and their problems.

Then I feel guilty. My so-called complicated life is nothing compared to them.

Ah, life is life. I know I have gone thru a lot. But that can never be compared to other unfortunate ones.

Oh Tuhan.beri ketabahan hati mereka
Menempuhi dugaan yang melanda
Kita sesama manusia turut mendoakan
Agar Kau suluhkan sinar dan harapan

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I better find a good time out for me to think. About everything. The year is ending, school is ending too, and I think I need to get a grip of myself. I don't want to let my school ends in a bad way. I need to buck up.

I have a few weeks left. I still have time.

Although it is running out.

p/s: hopefully I'll have my usual raya posts soon. Aminn...

Issues...?

I was planning to post a post earlier this afternoon. But I couldn't find the right feeling in writing an entry. I am very lazy right now. I decided to make sure I have something posted up. So that tomorrow I'll study happily.

I hope =P

Exams are just a few weeks away. And yet here I am, wasting my time. I should start staying over at the library after classes. Probably I'm so in the mood for raya so I don't feel like studying... and I've been visiting friends all around Wellington so I have been moving around. So I choose today as the day I rest from all tiredness I get during the first few days of raya.

Plus,

I think I gained weight - or probably I worry too much. I don't know, sometimes you can feel that you gained weight right? I can feel I am getting chubbier, and heavier. And because of that too, I think I get tired easily lately. So another reason to take a day off kan? huhu.

2 nights in a row - I dreamt of food and weighing machine. The first dream was me weighing myself and freaked out after that. I gained a lot! So I woke up. With aim that I should start dieting. But yeah that term never existed in my dictionary before, so I choose to eat up the food they served instead. Raya - why should waste the opportunity to have good food? Well my idea of good raya equation is Good food + Good company + Good photo sessions wearing baju raya. So I can't start dieting. not yet. or may be never?

ah. positive thinking. I have to be positive.

I dreamt of going to Dunkin Donuts and asked for bavarian cream. In that dream, there were only 2 bavarian cream left on the rack, so I went to the counter and asked for more. And I even tell everyone who were in my dream that they can't take my donuts. Tamak okay.

This weight issues arise since Raya. I started to eat a lot now. Probably its because my period is coming. Or maybe I am just tempted all the time - again Raya how can I resist from not eating good food?

Well okay talking about food, before I forget I'd love to thank everyone who came to our open house. It feels great watching others having fun while you're the hostess. Sorry since I didn't really layan everyone there. Whenever theres too many people around it gets pretty hard for me to go around... memang tak reti sebenarnye. I can layan only a group of people at once. If not I'll get blurry and I don't know what to do after that. And to Nonie, Palie, Nana, Aqilah and Fazuin, thank you to you guys too. Kalau tak ada korang tak ada la open house tu kan.

To those who invited me to their open houses, I'd like to thank you for inviting =D. The food were awesome! that explains why I have weight issues tho =P and to those who I didn't manage to drop by, I'm sorry. That goes to TKH girls and the Manners girls. Maybe boleh raya saja2 kan? *winkwink*

Maybe later I'll post up pictures of raya, and talk more about raya in detail. For now I am going to leave it general :D huhu.

I'm done for now. Good night everyone! To Vic Uni peeps, hope the last week of classes will be fun to all of you. Good luck with the assignments due and tests! and to everyone else, have a good week ahead :D

A damn long entry. Hope you won't get bored :)

Exactly 32 minutes left before the clock strikes 12. We're entering the new day soon. In 32 minutes.

Ah its already Sunday. Exactly a week has passed. Well I was busy on Saturday so that doesn't count as a holiday. So yeah, exactly one week.

I am so behind the schedule. How I wished I am more strict on myself. Well, I don't know whether all of you ever felt this, I am pretty sure you guys had/have a time where you feel that you need more rest, you have been working hard for the past few weeks/months, so you think you deserve this 'rest'. I have that feeling for a long time already. Hah senang cerita, pemalas la kan. Procrastination.

Honestly? I know I have been like this since forever. The new term started in early July. So 6 weeks have passed. I only picked up the pace at the fourth week. I think. Or was it later? I don't know. But not 100%. I still slack around. There are times where I didn't realized that the datelines are so near, and there are times where I only realized that there's an assignment due in a few hours and I haven't started anything.

Its been awhile since the last time I actually sat down to see all my datelines, jotting down stuffs in my VUWSA planner, read something useful when I am free. And my parents have to pester me in completing a 4-pages borang for a month. A freaking month. Which actually I can only do it in 2 nights with complete required documents attached to it. Apparently the scanner decided not to work on me tonight.

Let's hope it will work later. I'll go straight to Nonie's room to scan it right after this.

Okay let's see... I have been an active in crapping for this month. Except for this whole one week. Every single morning I opened this page. The Create Post page. And yet I can't type out anything in the box. I was telling myself "c'mon farah. write something. find something to blab"

And I can't. I just can't.

So I go through my days with movies, and more movies. And I cook some food to eat. Nonie is sick so I am taking care of her now. How I wished she's better so she can go out with me :( And I hang out more often. I spend the day time walking in town. Sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend as company. I had fun. I was in tears, in laughter. I was calm. Had some great conversations. A lot has been running through my mind. Well I love to think too much kan. Ah well. And it strikes me, that I have only 2 months plus before my degree ends (given I passed this term's papers... amin).

Degree dah nak habis? Whoa.

And Aqilah, 2 months left, and I am scared. I pretend not to feel scared :p Time flies so fast kan?

I am trying to give myself another year of schooling, then off I go, into the workforce.

I am not ready for this.

and yes. I am pretty sure next year is going to be different. Honestly? I feel the difference now. No need to wait til next year. They are getting clearer. I sometimes hate myself for thinking too much. Things that I'm worried of because they might happen, slowly becoming a reality.

This week also has been the 'bayar puasa' week. Ibu laughed when she knew I am fasting now. She asked "why so late?". Well, I just laughed back. The plans to fast during winter didn't quite worked out. Too busy I guess I can't risk myself having days of lacking the energy, and also blood.

Oh speaking of which, I think I am still anemic. And I don't care to eat the iron pills. I kinda live with this tiredness. Sometimes I feel like fainting but since I am still under control, I just let it be.

Anyway,

The movie choices I had for this week. I watched The Dark Knight for the second time, and I got the nice seat, and good company. We always had fun in the cinema didn't we Aqilah? To my surprise, the cinema is still full although The Dark Knight is on screen for quite awhile already. Let's hope it'll beat Titanic. Wait let's go check out..

Ranked the second. Still cannot beat Titanic. Dammit.

Seriously what about Titanic that made everybody love watching?

Okay other than that, I watched I am Legend, Awake, Meet the Spartans, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Mr Beans Holiday, A Walk to Remember, Disturbia, Almost-half of Zombie Kampung Pisang, Monty Python & the Holy Grail (I got bored this time. But I still laughed... hehe), Imagine Me & You, Tristan & Isolde (like... finally!) and Before Sunrise (Haha now I can see things more clearly. I am so going to watch Before Sunset again). Oh I forgot, watched Spiderman on TV too. Thats 14 including The Dark Knight. Like 2 a day? Okay I break my own record.

What other out-of-the-norms thing I did? I had 4 bubble teas in just a week, and I think this is something not really normal for me too. I wasn't a fan. Til I don't know when, suddenly it becomes my favourite.

I replayed Tristan & Isolde's scenes the whole night last night. I don't know. It feels sad watching that movie. Depressing alright. But I still watch it anyway. Maybe its the look at Tristan's face when he suffers and trying to hide em at the same time, his words, knowing all the sacrifices he made despite the pain he has to go through. They made me feel like watching it again, and again.

Why someone like "Tristan" only exists in movies?

Or the guy in Imagine Me & You. The husband who has been cheated by his wife who suddenly realized she loves a girl. He's so sweet, and its sad that the wife likes another woman. Or Landon Carter in A Walk to Remember. There are a few other characters that I love while watching those movies. Okay maybe they exist in this real world, but seriously, they're rare. Haha. I know, its mean for me to say that. Maybe I haven't really met one. So I can't really tell right. Plus, I have lived for only 20 years. Not that long to say such things.

Too much of movies. I am starting to live in a fantasy. *snap snap* I really have to get back to the reality.

But that made me think, if my life is being filmed, will it be one interesting movie? Will my character will be remembered forever? Will it gives a huge impact to other people? I really hope so. I have learn a lot about life. I have been thinking hard. This week, I kinda have some conclusions about life. about people. I feel like writing a book you know, haha. Okay that's a joke :p Not funny right?

Anyway, I think I should sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be my last day fasting before the real fasting month comes.

This is really long. And I don't know whether it sums up how I feel for the whole week. Basically I just blabbed whatever I feel like saying.

its 12:38 am. Exactly one hour and 10 minutes from the time I started this entry.

I should stop. Probably just start another entry if I feel like writing more.

Lets hope the remaining week before the school starts will still be sunny. Cuz I really want to have that ice-cream-sitting-at-the-harbour time again.