Reflect.

Guna hati, akal dan fikiranmu
Berbeza
Kau dan juga aku
Dua hati yang tak mungkin bersatu
currently listening to Meet Uncle Hussein's Lagu Untukmu.

I don't know why mothers can be so... unpredictable?

There are times where she called to scold me. Which left me hanging up the phone feeling so uneasy and mad.

There are times where she called to talk about her everyday life. Which left me laughing and realizing that I actually miss home and moments with people at home.

There are times where she called to get updates about me and my daily life. Which left me feeling so happy cuz I know I always have someone that I can talk to.

There are times where she called to give me advices - especially when I am so in need of them. Which left me in awe as I don't know how she always get the good timing... cuz you know sometimes I don't think I need any words of advices til I hear them.

I wanted to list down the 10 things I hate about you Ibu, which I'm sure theres more than 10 =P (I'm not a good child, I know and I'm trying hard to change) but believe me, these things in that list can never beat the one reason why I can't hate you :) The sole reason which links to the long list of reasons why I can never hate you. One deep reason.

I don't know why I suddenly feel like talking about this. Maybe because I realized she just tamed me... without me realizing it. Another side of me just came out, whom unstoppably complains to the point where I think will make more people adding me to their I-hate-you-list. One of those emotional sessions.

A lot happened in just a week. Well definitely my Aidilfitri this year is somewhat different than the ones in years before that. Probably a more meaningful one, and maybe that is the reason why I still cannot have my usual raya posts. I kept on telling myself the usual posts should be fine, but I just couldn't proceed. Probably I feel that there is more that I can share. But another part of me telling me that, some things are better left unsaid, or better left being published publicly.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I have to learn all these now? Sometimes I think that I am late in growing up. I thought that by the time I am 20, I should be ready to be an adult. I thought I had learn enough back then. I thought I'll never encounter all these again. I thought I already make things work. Sometimes I feel like its becoming another circle of life circling in round two. Or maybe round three. Okay I pon tak faham that line.

What is 20 years? I have not graduated yet. I have not entered the work force. So what is 20 years of experience?

Like mothers, life too, unpredictable.

Sometimes I thought I can go thru my life alone. All by myself. But then I realized that I am not 100% right. I am blaming myself for this. I am still not good enough. 20 years is not enough.

She asked me, where's your confidence?

Wonder how a simple conversation about me being so lazy can become something that is... so deep. I feel that the particular question wasn't for just about studying. Maybe she doesn't realized that. A Godsend is it?

You're my neutralizer Ibu, which made me feel that, I really really really really need someone like you to be with me all the time.

But I can't have that do I? I have to bear in mind that, I am alone in this world. No don't get me wrong. I do have people in my life that always have been supportive, accepting to whatever I do. I have my family, I have my close friends, whom I love the most. The ones that I also have a list of 10 things I hate about you (like my mother). And believe me on that list theres no 10 things but 20 or 30 or maybe 100. Well I am sure you do have this list on your close friends and family too. or am I the only one?

Although I do have them. But they can never help me if I don't help myself. So yeah thats the key to my success - myself. That is why I keep on telling myself I am all alone in this world. I have to learn not to be dependant.

I have been telling myself many things. A way to remind myself.

I have to remember Kak Nah. Oh ibu told me about their trip to Wang Kelian. Is that how you spell it? The border between Malaysia and Thailand. 'The Jejak Kasih' trip they call it. She called me, at last I get to talk to her. Previously I think I got her number wrong, so I can't contact her. But yeah, I manage to control myself from crying. But when I knew Firdaus were crying all the time meeting her, I couldn't help myself but to cry. OMG she suffered enough. I don't think I can handle that.

Then I remembered another friend of mine. And another friend of mine. Then a friend of a friend of mine. Them and their problems.

Then I feel guilty. My so-called complicated life is nothing compared to them.

Ah, life is life. I know I have gone thru a lot. But that can never be compared to other unfortunate ones.

Oh Tuhan.beri ketabahan hati mereka
Menempuhi dugaan yang melanda
Kita sesama manusia turut mendoakan
Agar Kau suluhkan sinar dan harapan

Artis Bersatu's Suluhkan Sinar

I better find a good time out for me to think. About everything. The year is ending, school is ending too, and I think I need to get a grip of myself. I don't want to let my school ends in a bad way. I need to buck up.

I have a few weeks left. I still have time.

Although it is running out.

p/s: hopefully I'll have my usual raya posts soon. Aminn...