When everything fails, I shall remember her, and her smiles, laughs, funny stories. You know she has gone through so much, and yet she's nothing but unbelievably happy, and positive all the time.

One of the most determined, and strongest woman I know.

And I feel so blessed that I get to meet her this time. To see her after 5 long years. Terubat rindu.


Alhamdulillah. Raya has been awesome so far :)


p/s: can't wait for the next time. and from what I heard, there's a chance that she'll get her eyesight back. Let's keep on praying for her that she will one day :)

Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling, tell me baby, where did I go wrong?

currently listening to Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares to You

lovegivesmehope:

I have been deaf ever since I was 3 years old.

Everyone treats me differently and sometimes I feel like I don’t belong.

But today, when I walked into school, the guy I like started to talk to me in sign language. He said he’s been learning for a year so he could tell me he loves me.

Nolan, you GMH.

Last Saturday Astro Prima (or was it Astro Ria?) aired a telemovie by Khabir Bhatia - Keabadian Cinta (they aired this at Astro Citra sempena V-day but I wasn't here to watch. Wait do I even have Astro Citra? idk :P). Do you know him? He's famous for the movies Cinta & Sepi; movies that have a few short stories which the characters are connected to each other somehow at some point of time. That's his trademark I guess, but I'm not too sure of this cuz I haven't watch Setem yet. Maybe its not of the same style, but still about love?

Anyway, Keabadian Cinta is also another short stories combined into one long movie. This time, instead of 5 stories like Cinta, it's just 3; one is about an english boy and a malay girl who are preparing for their wedding. Problems arise when the bride's family is pushing him a bit too much on making him to follow their way. If you get what I mean. Another one is about a girl who fell in love with her father's bestfriend. The guy is in his 40s and single, and didn't know that the girl is his bestfriend's daughter. And, my favorite part in the movie will be the third story - about a deaf dude who fell in love with a blind girl.

I am always a sucker for this. To be honest I did wonder what happened if I fell in love with someone as special as that? Like someone blind, or deaf, or a mute? or someone who depends on a wheelchair (okay but now I am just going to concentrate on deaf/blind/mute, someone who needs another 'language' to communicate with). You'll never know who you will end up with, yes? I always wanted to learn sign languages, or braille. Well, not because of that what-if situation ok? I just feel like it's cool to be able to communicate with them. Sometimes during the time I took public transportation to go to client, I will observe many kinds of people, including those who communicate using sign language. Although I feel like everyone can know what they're talking about, but I still wish that I know the language. Come to think of it, I don't think others would understand unless they learn how. So yeah, no one knows except for them.

Not that I have a deaf friend. Or a mute friend. But I do have a blind person whom I am close with - Kak Nah. She's still blind you know. Its sad that I cannot see her. And spend time with her. Sometimes I just wish that I can spend time taking care of her like how she takes care of me back then.

I always wish her well.

Okay back to my topic. Falling in love with special people.

To know that people would go that far in making another person happy is just... wow. Would I go a mile more for someone I love? In that movie, at first the deaf guy didn't thought about going to learn Braille, and I don't know why. Maybe its just the drama part. Its a bit sad when the girl was like pouring her heart out saying "no matter how much I fell in love with you, we can't be together because you're deaf and I am blind" (rephrased quote ye), he was just like watching without hearing a word she was saying, but maybe he understood from her expressions. And of course because his friend/aunt was there to watch maybe they explained to him soon after.

And after he learned Braille he wrote "cinta tak perlukan mata, tak perlukan telinga, cinta cuma perlukan hati." (love doesn't need eyes, or ears. love only needs a heart - direct translation ehe).

I was so touched.

Now I fell in love with that movie. How I wish I can watch it over and over. Sadly I don't think I can. I don't think they sell the dvd.

And now this. I came across the LGMH story just now while tumblring. A guy learnt sign language to tell his deaf love interest he loves her.

How small gestures like that bring a huge impact on us.

Oh. Maybe I should start learning. I have been thinking about learning sign language/braille for quite sometime. hurm. but when?

Reflect.

Guna hati, akal dan fikiranmu
Berbeza
Kau dan juga aku
Dua hati yang tak mungkin bersatu
currently listening to Meet Uncle Hussein's Lagu Untukmu.

I don't know why mothers can be so... unpredictable?

There are times where she called to scold me. Which left me hanging up the phone feeling so uneasy and mad.

There are times where she called to talk about her everyday life. Which left me laughing and realizing that I actually miss home and moments with people at home.

There are times where she called to get updates about me and my daily life. Which left me feeling so happy cuz I know I always have someone that I can talk to.

There are times where she called to give me advices - especially when I am so in need of them. Which left me in awe as I don't know how she always get the good timing... cuz you know sometimes I don't think I need any words of advices til I hear them.

I wanted to list down the 10 things I hate about you Ibu, which I'm sure theres more than 10 =P (I'm not a good child, I know and I'm trying hard to change) but believe me, these things in that list can never beat the one reason why I can't hate you :) The sole reason which links to the long list of reasons why I can never hate you. One deep reason.

I don't know why I suddenly feel like talking about this. Maybe because I realized she just tamed me... without me realizing it. Another side of me just came out, whom unstoppably complains to the point where I think will make more people adding me to their I-hate-you-list. One of those emotional sessions.

A lot happened in just a week. Well definitely my Aidilfitri this year is somewhat different than the ones in years before that. Probably a more meaningful one, and maybe that is the reason why I still cannot have my usual raya posts. I kept on telling myself the usual posts should be fine, but I just couldn't proceed. Probably I feel that there is more that I can share. But another part of me telling me that, some things are better left unsaid, or better left being published publicly.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I have to learn all these now? Sometimes I think that I am late in growing up. I thought that by the time I am 20, I should be ready to be an adult. I thought I had learn enough back then. I thought I'll never encounter all these again. I thought I already make things work. Sometimes I feel like its becoming another circle of life circling in round two. Or maybe round three. Okay I pon tak faham that line.

What is 20 years? I have not graduated yet. I have not entered the work force. So what is 20 years of experience?

Like mothers, life too, unpredictable.

Sometimes I thought I can go thru my life alone. All by myself. But then I realized that I am not 100% right. I am blaming myself for this. I am still not good enough. 20 years is not enough.

She asked me, where's your confidence?

Wonder how a simple conversation about me being so lazy can become something that is... so deep. I feel that the particular question wasn't for just about studying. Maybe she doesn't realized that. A Godsend is it?

You're my neutralizer Ibu, which made me feel that, I really really really really need someone like you to be with me all the time.

But I can't have that do I? I have to bear in mind that, I am alone in this world. No don't get me wrong. I do have people in my life that always have been supportive, accepting to whatever I do. I have my family, I have my close friends, whom I love the most. The ones that I also have a list of 10 things I hate about you (like my mother). And believe me on that list theres no 10 things but 20 or 30 or maybe 100. Well I am sure you do have this list on your close friends and family too. or am I the only one?

Although I do have them. But they can never help me if I don't help myself. So yeah thats the key to my success - myself. That is why I keep on telling myself I am all alone in this world. I have to learn not to be dependant.

I have been telling myself many things. A way to remind myself.

I have to remember Kak Nah. Oh ibu told me about their trip to Wang Kelian. Is that how you spell it? The border between Malaysia and Thailand. 'The Jejak Kasih' trip they call it. She called me, at last I get to talk to her. Previously I think I got her number wrong, so I can't contact her. But yeah, I manage to control myself from crying. But when I knew Firdaus were crying all the time meeting her, I couldn't help myself but to cry. OMG she suffered enough. I don't think I can handle that.

Then I remembered another friend of mine. And another friend of mine. Then a friend of a friend of mine. Them and their problems.

Then I feel guilty. My so-called complicated life is nothing compared to them.

Ah, life is life. I know I have gone thru a lot. But that can never be compared to other unfortunate ones.

Oh Tuhan.beri ketabahan hati mereka
Menempuhi dugaan yang melanda
Kita sesama manusia turut mendoakan
Agar Kau suluhkan sinar dan harapan

Artis Bersatu's Suluhkan Sinar

I better find a good time out for me to think. About everything. The year is ending, school is ending too, and I think I need to get a grip of myself. I don't want to let my school ends in a bad way. I need to buck up.

I have a few weeks left. I still have time.

Although it is running out.

p/s: hopefully I'll have my usual raya posts soon. Aminn...

How cute.

Nana & Vivy heard this conversation while we're at the beach.

There were two kids. A boy and a girl. I bet they just knew each other on that day itself.

Boy: Hey lady, what are you doing?
Girl: Don't call me stupid names like that.

How cute. I won't forget this. Now I am writing it down so I will remember it. Hopefully til I grow older (at least).

Is there a probability that the girl, will meet the boy when she grows older (assuming they don't know each other now)? and if her parents knew about the conversation, I bet they'll tell her when she big enough to understand.

I bet the boy will be a charmer. And from the conversation it seems that he has a crush on the little girl. Well I might be wrong, especially if the boy also thinks the word 'lady' is a stupid name. Nah. He's a charmer :p

Usually if you watch teen flicks, cases like the girl will meet the boy in the future and fell in love with him is possible to happen.

That made me realized, do I have a childhood crush on someone who is from my age? Like you know, you go to the kindergarten, then there's a boy you're friends with, then you remembered that you actually like him.

Can't remember that I have one. What I do remember is I had a crush on this twins from my neighbourhood - and I confessed to them. Tak malu. How embarrassing. I think I have a thing towards twins. LOL! Uh-oh. So twins. Beware?

Okay someone my age... lets see.

Oh I remembered this one boy. I think his name is Nafi. The reason why I remembered him is because my brothers and Kak Nah always teased me with him. Even when I'm older. Ibu told me I actually befriend with him cuz I feel kesian to him; no one wants to be his friend.

Honestly I don't remember any fond/sweet/fun memories with him. Probably cuz I think he's the quiet type. So we don't have funny/memorable conversations together. Two things that I remembered about him; 1. He's in the same 'bangau oh bangau performance' with me and 2. when I got back home (the kindergarten's van sent me home) Kak Nah will definitely wait for me outside. And she'll start to wave goodbye to the boy with a loud "byeee Nafii!". Then Adam & Kak Nah will start teasing.

I hate it when they do that.

What funny fact involving the boy that I remember is, we all thought he's an Indian. But apparently,

He's a Malay.

Seriously, he looked like an Indian alright.

Now I wonder, where is he now?

P/S: I love you Kak Nah.

Mentally tired. I am. I know I am suppose to be going to class right now, but I couldn't care less. Besides, I know I won't be listening to a word he said in a condition like this.

The news from Ibu was too sad. Have I mentioned about a woman whom I called Kak Nah? Well, to some who don't know, shes one of the maids who have worked with us. And she stayed the longest. She's luqman's baby sitter. And to us, shes a part of our family.

Sadly she had to leave after 7 years of being with my family. Its because she failed her medical exam. We found out that shes a carrier of hepatitis B. Although she can't work with us anymore, being a carrier doesn't stop us from seeing her again. Occasionally she'll come down to Bangi from Thailand.

Actually, she has been unlucky since she was little. She has her own version of "The Series of Unfortunate Events". Because of that she claims we she is the happiest whenever shes with us. And we are happy to have her in our family.

Since she stopped working with us, she continued studying. Shes a smart woman. Well the reason she worked for us is because she needs the money. To support her family in Thailand, and also for her education. Things were better. At that period of time.

Well, I haven't seen her since the day I flew off. She sent me to the airport. and that is the last time I saw her.

She supposed to visit my family in August 2006. But she failed to come. Something really bad happened to her.

She has a tumor in her brain.

She undergo the whole operation. And because of that, she lost her sight. She becomes blind. At first she can't walk, and she can't talk too. But her determination gave her the ability to walk, and to talk as rewards.

I talked to her occasionally just to know her conditions. She always tell me how sad she is when the doctors told her she can't get her eyesight back.

I kept on telling her this : "Kak Nah, itu doctor yang cakap. Bukan Allah. Kak Nah doa everyday okay? We pray for you too"

I think she's been doing good. Although there are some bad things happened to her along the way (like how a portion of her money we sent to her was taken by the heartless family member of hers), we are still glad that she is coping up well with all obstacles that she has to go through.

But I couldn't help but to cry all night long when I heard the last night's news.

I don't know how I can imagine this, but Ibu told me that since the last 2 years, the doctors do not replace her skull back to her head. Maybe its just a small part of the skull. My mom sent more money so that an artificial skull can cover her head. No lubang. I honestly cannot even imagine this whole thing. It sounded so unreal. And if its true, it sounded mean. Why can't they replace it way earlier? Why must wait for 2 freaking years?

Honestly, to me this is way too much for her. She suffered all her life. I never met a person as unfortunate as her. Whenever I heard of her talking, I just feel like crying. I don't want her to listen to me feeling sad for her.

....

I don't know what to say anymore. No words can describe how sad I am for her. I wish I can be with her all the time. I wish I can take care of her like how she took care of me.

God, I really really really want to see her. I miss her.

I'll just call her tonight. I want her to hear me. Maybe thats enough support from me.

To everyone, especially the ones who know her, please, pray for her. Pray to God to at least lighten the burden for her.