Don’t regret intimate relationships that don’t work out. Because they will only help you find the right partner for you, and better appreciate them for everything they do and everything they are.

How can you get yourself so attach to someone who isn't attach to you at all?
Well, some may say this is just an illusion, probably you're too engrossed in your ideals, rather than the reality itself.

I don't know.

Used to think that way until I fell into the trap. And I am stuck in it for a long time.

Though I am not sure if I am still lost. Maybe I am. However I know I'll find my way out. I know I have to believe these;

Selfless love is a beautiful thing.
Unrequited love is where we can find beauty in a most painful situation.
The process is just natural. Probably everyone has to get thru this stage at one point of time in their lives, and I am blessed to be going through it when my heart can still take it all in. Although it is now so much weaker, at least it is learning to gather more strength to be stronger.
And I don't lose anything. Because I learn to love, or learning to be more exact, and I am learning not to expect anything else in return. And that's also how I found peace.
Every challenges, every trials, every calamity; they're all blessings in disguise.
And I got myself closer to You. Alhamdulillah.

I am not going to deny that my heart is yearning. And it is still not ready to let go. But I am holding on to You, knowing  that You know what is best for me.

All I am doing now is to get ready. For you, whomever you may be.

And I hope you're doing fine :)

And all along I believed I would find you, Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more

Currently listening to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years

Yang dirai #1

Nonie & Ikhsan - Tied the knot on 4 Feb 2012

Their Solemnization

Their Reception

 Yang dirai #2

Nana & Imran - got engaged on 5 Feb 2012

It was one of the most beautiful weekends I had in my entire life. Everything is just so perfect.
To both of you, Nonie & Nana, I am very happy for you both. Still can't believe they happened though, everything was so surreal! Now one of us has taken that BIG step, and another is on her way... I guess we are all grown up already :P And InsyaAllah, there will be little ones to join this family? hehe. My prayers are always with you all. May you have an everlasting love, and a beautiful marriage. Amin :)

p/s: Never felt so happy in a long time - I can even finish a burger at 2am! Have to say, that's really something, considering I have appetite problem for awhile now. So I have to thank you girls for that.

Really, thank you :)

If I broke your heart last night, It's because I love you most of all.

Currently listening to Ryan Gosling's You Always Hurt the One You Love

You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all

*          *          * 

“How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?”

"I think the only way you can find out is to have the feeling. You're a good person. You have the right to say I do trust. I do trust myself."

*          *          * 

"I don’t know, I just feel like I should just stop thinking about it, you know, but I can’t. Maybe I’ve seen too many movies, you know, love at first sight. What do you think about love at first sight? You think you can love somebody just by looking at them? But the thing is man, I felt like I knew her, you ever get that feeling? Yeah, I probably don’t right…it felt like I did though. […] She just seems different, you know? I don’t know, I just got a feeling about her. You know when a song comes on and you just gotta dance?”

*          *          * 

So I just watched this movie. And here's some lyrics, and quotes that I picked up. Particularly towards the start of their relationship. 

The doubts. The faith. The illusions. The expectations. The outcome. 

All comes down to that one feeling. All are depending on it.

Maybe one day I can be sure of all these myself. 

To be honest, it sucks when the feelings go away. Especially when they aren't yours. So you're stuck. And watch another just take another step forward. And all you can do is to accept fate with all your heart. 

Well.

It's about the perfect timing, that I can't even control. And about the right person. And with the right perfect reason. Then everything will just fit perfectly. 

Feelings won't go away. The worst that could have happened would be, that it may get lost somewhere. But will be found back. 

I'm praying, and I'm hoping. 

I won't give up on us, Even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up

Currently on repeat: Jason Mraz's I won't give up

Quite a number of my friends have love on their card this year. Alhamdulillah :)
Me? Haha I don't know.

I have a lot to learn. Be it about love, or about myself even.

I'll take baby steps on this.

Things have been pretty rough. It was not a smooth start. But I'll keep on trying. and I'll keep on hoping.

Patience. and Hope. I need them.

I won't give up.

Cause ever if my heart should break, You'd be the best mistake I ever made

Oh, I don't like the way I never listen to myself, I feel like I'm on fire and too shy to cry for help, Oh, I don't think you owe me much at all

Currently on repeat: Ellie Goulding's This Love (will be your downfall)

So I got myself this.

Always wonder if I could finish books like these. Let's see. 

And perhaps I'll be more in touch with that softer part of myself? 

Anyway, I like love letters. Be it the kuih (I know, it's lame! :P) or the real ones. 

Setulusnya aku, akan terus menunggu, menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu.

Currently listening to Padi's Menanti Sebuah Jawaban

Absence makes the heart grows fonder. 

Well, it all started with familiarity.  The key is to make time.

Amie, come sit on my wall. Read me the story of O

Currently listening to Damien Rice's Amie

 So they turned 27 yesterday

I realised lately they love to give me advices on love. Also hints on "ey when are you getting a boyfriend huh?". LOL. I get that a lot, from them, brothers, my friends, my parents' friends, neighbors... Even my grandma was like

"Hang bila nak kawen?"

"Tunggu Atok, boipren pon kami tak daq lagi.."

"Hang jangan lupa cari boipren na?"

"...ok :)"

But one of the things I am thankful for is that, they never push me when it comes to this. Maybe mom is trying out new way of hinting - reverse psychology. Like "I think your sister just decided not to marry anyone. Dia nak jadi andartu kot" or "Firdaus, you're gonna have to take care of her. I don't think she's gonna marry anybody" LOL. Still, no pressure. They kept on reminding me that things like these need time. 

Even when I told them that I don't mind match making, or meeting one person and go straight to marriage (mind you! in a joking way okay? :P), my mom will be "NOOO! YOU HAVE TO GET TO KNOW HIM FIRST OKAY?? OKAYY???"

I never really jott down the stuff they told me. Well, I am pretty sure at the back of my mind they're there. Malas nak recall je :P HAHA. One of them is up there. On being friends, really get to know a person before deciding to settle down with the particular person.

Okay la. Here's some

1. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. When you choose someone you love more, the chances are, you'll end up unhappy. 

2. Beauty isn't everything. It'll fade over time. Personality is what you need.. 

3. If he kept on delaying on marrying you, he's more likely to call it off. One thing about men, they're certain when it comes to this. 

4. Don't be so rash into settling down. Marriage is a huugee thing. Often those who decide fast didn't last so long. 

Okayla I can only think of 4 at the moment. Eh, 5 to include the one above. And these are the simple ones, the ones you hear from everyone everywhere, but somehow you remember it more if it comes from your parents. And plus they said the above over and over again. LOL. 

Anyway,

For me, 27 is long. I can't even imagine if I can stand a person for 27 years! LOL okay. Actually it should be this... I can't even imagine if someone can stand me for 27 years! haha. That's more like it. 

And one thing for sure. That I learn something from them and their love story. And I will always remember..

"What ever happens, good or especially, bad, we'll remind each other of the hardship that we have to go through to be together. We've gone through so much, why should we put em all to waste?"

And, something that they didn't say or mention, but I picked up from their stories. I'll remember it too :

Fight for it, if you truly believe he/she is the one for you. Fight for love. 

Well, being in love is a battlefield, no? You have to fight for the crown to be his/hers, and keep on fighting to make sure no other people or situation can take that away from you.

27 years. And they look like the young people in love. Minus the mushy part though. I'd prefer them not to be too PDA-ish in front of us. duh.

I want that you know. After so long, you can feel the love so strong between them. Like they just started to be in love or something. How they have proven most people that they're wrong. Their love is real. And its truly, love.

I love them both so much, and I pray to God that this will last forever. And hope they stay true to their love til the end. Amin. 

Cuz you'll never know what's gonna happen in the future kan. Nauzubillah.

So to you, my dear parents, 

Happy 27th Anniversary

Melodi indah yang kucipta, hanya untuk luahkan rindu padanya.

Currently on repeat: Aizat Amdan's Lagu Kita

So Jue & Mukrim tied the knot last weekend. She's my first close friend who got married!

Not gonna talk about it in detail, as I don't have the time :P. But it was simple, and beautiful. Weather was perfect. Crowd was good. Food was yummy, altho I don't get to eat much (sadd), and the performance is awesome! I love everything about it!

And I didn't have many photos of me.. because I was busy doing this:

Yeah. I'm one of the photographers of the day!

And to be specific...

Check out my camera - its huugee! Its actually the fuji instax!

Kind of a replacement for Polaroid. Since the Polaroid films are hard to find now, I decided to just change the camera/ LOL. It was quite an attraction. Since its quite big, and doesn't look like a SLR/DSLR

Anyway the "Instax project" was our gift to them. So not gonna reveal much here. ehe. 

It was tiring, but fun. And memorable! Since the whole event is kind of different. I dressed up differently too. Feels like I'm back in the 90s, as I used to wear dresses to kenduris when I was younger. However, those were all last-minute shopping. Do you like it? .. I looked a bit pregnant there didn't I? Oh well. 

That's about it for now. 

I guess this marks the point where I should look forward for more close friends' weddings. More to come next year maybe? InsyaAllah :)

p/s: thanks to Abu's friend, now I am in love with this song. Can't stop listening to it!::')

pyramid, we've built this on a solid rock, it feels just like it's heaven's touch, together at the top (at the top baby), like a pyramid

Currently listening to Charice's Pyramid

Tom: You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete and utter bullshit? It sucks.

Summer: What do you mean?

Tom: Ah you know, destiny, and soul mates, true love and all that childhood fairy tale nonsense. You were right, I  should've listened to you.

Summer: No.. 

Tom: Yeah, why are you smiling?

Summer: Tom...

Tom: What? why are you looking at me like that?

Summer: Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband. 

Tom: Yeah. And... so? 

Summer: So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was - it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right. 
Tom: No. 
Summer: Yeah, I did. [laughs] 
Summer: I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about. 

So they played this movie last weekend. I guess this movie always pull people to stick their eyes on the TV and watch. And hating Summer at the end.

LOL. I don't know. At some point I can relate myself to Summer, and at some other point I can relate myself to Tom.

Maybe most of the times Tom. haha.

Anyhoo.

Sometimes a movie needs to be watched over and over to get to different perspectives of it. Its like what you grasp from it is different every time. Agree?

I don't quite remember what I get from watching it the first time, or the second time. I don't even remember how many times have I watched this movie. I reckon, to include the time I watched on a Sunday night, it would be 3 times? Or 4? tah! Or maybe more? pfft. Whatever.

Maybe the first time is the bitch slap of reality. This is reality. What really happens. You don't always get what you want. You could be wrong; a person whom you think is your soul mate could be not your soul mate. Maybe he/she would just be someone who will open up a different direction in life for you. Who will teaches you something. But not going to be someone who'll spend the whole life with you.

I think that's the first. Was trying to recall my conversation with friends right after this movie. I remembered saying "er.. actually I can relate myself to Summer." hahaha. And then I said "I love this movie. Its real!"

Okay so maybe that's the first thing I picked up in this movie.

This time around? I picked up about fate.

I don't know exactly why only now this thing just clicked in my mind. Obviously because I am getting older and naturally you'll be thinking about it. Duh!. But yeah it just clicked in recently.

But yeah, fate. It sucks you know, to bear the fact that fate doesn't come in easy. If you are lucky, you'll get it early. If you don't, you'll be anxious and bitter just to wait for it. Sometimes you don't have the patience to wait for it, so you'll end up with nothing. You question yourself this everyday "when will be the time for me?" "will it come? or it won't?" "what if you missed it already?".

To be in Tom's shoes at the point where he and Summer had that conversation? Its one of the hardest moments one can get. To know that 1. He/She's not fated to be with you, when you were positive that he/she is supposed to be 'the one'. 2. He/She found hers first! and you? You're alone! 3. You have got to be happy, or at least pretend that you are happy for him/her with sincerity.

And yeah, to get reminded again, that fate doesn't come in easy, and your time is not now. And those questions starting to pop in mind. That sucks big time.

But that is life. You just have to accept it. Like how I just accepted fate. Apparently I just realized that over time, I lose myself not believing in fate anymore. Or rather, I believe that I am destined to be alone.

Whatever it is its dangerous. Because fate is what I have to believe in. Its what Qada' & Qadar is about too, well correct me if I'm wrong.

I admit, at my age? I shouldn't give up on anything. But somehow it feels like I have given up. Like I am trying to learn to be alone. Its some kind of a preparation, maybe.. ugh hopefully not! I don't want to die being a bitter old virgin. er OK.

So yeah. I should go back to square one right? Bismillah.

p/s: I think Fox Searchlight Pictures is awesome. I love their movies. Most of them. So is the (500) Days Summer OST. What I noticed about the movie in the first place anyway - awesome soundtrack :)

so why don't we go, somewhere only we know?

Currently listening to The Glee Cast version of Somewhere only we know

You know, honestly by the time you're 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don't think about that when you're younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that's a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that's not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.

Alex Goran, Up in the Air

This. Made me feel old. Or have I just stopped trying?

I'd like to think that I have an old soul like that :P

"You always want what you can't have, but I gotta try" 

-Teddy Geiger's For You I Will

But that's the thing, I don't think I have ever tried.  

I will race you to the waterside, And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud, So they could hear it in America, It's all for you.

Currently listening to Snow Patrol's The Planets Bend Between Us. 

That he/she can't accept you for who you are.
That he/she can't stand you after some time.
That he/she won't be there for you.
That he/she will take you for granted.
That he/she thinks you are lame.
That he/she can't guide you to be better.
That he/she cheats on you.
That you can't be faithful to him/her.
That you are not good enough for him/her.
That you will get bored.
That you both can't share anything anymore.
That you will get angry to him/her.
That you can't give away yourself to him/her.
That you don't know how to express.
That you are afraid to be touched.
That you are not domesticated to take care of him.
That you don't have enough to take care of her.
That you can't commit.
That you are always fighting. And cannot stand the fights any longer.
That you cannot handle stress, til it affects him/her.
That you don't know what is love.
That you don't know how to love.
That you hang on for too long for a person who doesn't feel the same about you.
That you care for him/her til it hurts.
That you are too afraid to confess.
That you are too afraid to love.
That you are too afraid that he/she will run away from you.
That you don't want to ruin the friendship.
That you will cross the line.
That it won't be the same anymore.
That things won't turn out to be like how you wanted to be.
That he/she dies.
That he/she will forget you.
That you are a hopeless romantic.
That you are too ego to show your true feelings
That you don't know how to show your feelings at all.
That you can't move on.
That you think you are so messed up you can't let someone be dragged down with you.
That you think you don't have the time.
That you are not ready.
That you don't believe in companionship.
That you needed more than one.
That you are clingy.
That you are afraid that he/she is too clingy till it annoys you.
That you find clingy is annoying.
That you both want different things in life.
That you don't feel its right.
That you lost hope.
That you may lose hope.
That you don't believe in love at all.
That you know you will end up alone.
That you couldn't find him/her.
That you just want to be alone.
That you just need someone to be with you all the time.
That you can't be alone.
That you are too choosy.
That you think no one is good enough for you.
That you want everyone's approval.
That you are too ashamed to be with him/her.
That you are too proud.
That he/she has too many bad habits, you can't stand them.
That he/she is ashamed of you.
That he/she is the right person but came at the wrong time.
That he/she came at the right time, but not the right person.
That both of your families can't get along.
That your parents disapprove him/her. Or the other way round.
That he/she wants you just for money.
That he/she uses you for power.
That you are too broken.

So, what are you afraid of?

Based on psychologic study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds, you are already in love.

I still want to believe that, a crush can last for years. Like four, five years maybe? Okay more than that even.

It becomes love if they were close etc. But if they never gotten close? Its definitely a crush.

How can you love a person without knowing him/her?

However, maybe it is still possible. Love at first sight is unlikely, but its possible. Funny. I used to be a believer of love at first sight. Now? I think those who believe it are naive. 

Let's not be bitter. 

Okay, its possible. Incredible right? Love is.

p/s: got this fact from factsaboutboys tweet. Hah, I tweet a lot, yet I don't know how do I get to one-tweet-page thing to print screen. Ah well. So I copy & paste je lah.

And I can't remember life before her name.

Currently listening to: John Mayer's City Love

 

Girl at the playground : All right, so you're in love.
Charlyne: I'm not in love! You're in love...with Chris Brown.
Girl at the playground: At least I admitted it.
Nick: She got you on that one, Chuck.

Charlyne: What would your advice be for someone who isn't sure if they're in love and will find love?

Boy at the Playground: Well, I would say take a minute and look at your life. Look at the person that you think likes you. Find out for yourself.

Charlyne: All right. 

Watched this yesterday. Was at first convinced that its a documentaty - then realized its actually not. Its just a story about a team who is creating a documentary about love. Somehow reminded me a bit of (500) days of summer, although they're different.

And I can relate myself a lot to Charlyne Yi in this movie.

Typical single girl. See? I'm common.

One inspiring movie - the interviews, the story about the interviewer (Charlyne Yi) - everything is inspiring. Gonna re-watch it again because it was noisy when I watched it so I can't concentrate.

Now I have this mood to watch (500) days of summer. And The Wicker Park. And Jeux d'enfants.

I guess they're like my all-time fave movies, about love.

Yes, he’d be a powerful ally, another dark jedi. He will join us or die.

The perfect song for this? It's the Bentframe Comedy Star Wars Gangsta Rap:

Vader and Sidius:

It's not the east or the west side.
No its not
It's not the north or the south side.
No its not
It's the Dark side.
You are correct.
Keep frontin' of the Empire, So all you vader haters out there, go blow your planet up!
What is thy bidding my master?
It's a disaster Skywalker we're after.
What if he could be turned to the dark side...
Yes, he’d be a powerful ally, another dark jedi.
He will join us or die.

We got deathstar (DeathStar)
We got deathstar (DeathStar)
We got deathstar (DeathStar)
We got deathstar (DeathStar)
We got deathstar (Deathstar)
We got deathstar (Deathstar)
We got deathstar (Deathstar)
We got deathstar (Deathstar)
And you know that we got it (Deathstar)
And you know that we got it (Deathstar)

Fades...

Uncle Owen:

Luke, getcho ass over here right now,
Stop monkeying 'round that landspeeder,
Where them two droids I asked you to clean boy?,
Did you clean your room?

Luke:

Uncle Owen, I know I'm on probation 
I cleaned the droids 
Can I go to tashi station 
I got a lay away on a power converter 
But now you're treating me like a scruffy nerf herder 
Obi Wan (Ben):
Luke use the force and run 
Run to dagobah run to dagobah
Luke use the force and run
Run to dagobah run to dagobah 

Yoda:

I'm Yoda, I'm a soldier 
I'll mold ya and fold ya 
I though I told ya 
Don't be unwise 
Judge me not by my size 
You won't believe your eyes 
Once the X wing rise 

Luke:

Yoda why you bein' a playa hata 
You know that I must still confront Lord Vader 

Yoda:

But Luke, 
Not ready are you 

Luke:

But there's a city in the clouds where they're keeping my crew 
A Jedi's got to do what a Jedi's got to do 
So now Vader, I'm coming for you 

Vader:

Impressive now release your anger 
You must have sensed what your friends are in danger 

Luke:

OWW! Why'd you slice off my hand 

Vader:

Its imperative you understand 
Obi Wan would never bother
Telling you about your father 

Luke:

He told me enough - he told me you killed him 

Vader:

Then there's something I must reveal him 

I'm your father
I'm your father 
I'm your father 
I'm your father 
I'm your father
I'm your father 
I'm your father 
I'm your father 

Uncle Owen:

Knock em out the box Luke 
Knock em out
Knock em out the box Luke 
Knock em out
Knock em out the box Luke 
Knock em out
Knock em out the box Luke 
Knock em out
Knock em out the box Luke 

Original Star Wars Gangsta Rap - A funny movie is a click away