You can press forward long after you can’t. It’s just a matter of wanting it bad enough.

Words are cheap, if there is no action to prove their worth.
Well, most of them are. But some are priceless, especially when they can't be transcended through actions. When they can only be described.

Feelings. How do you show feelings? Often they will be misinterpreted if they don't come with words.

Sometimes I believe actions would suffice to show how you feel. But there are times when only words may do the trick.

And this is when words become priceless. Nothing could compare to how much they worth.

So choose your words wisely, and please know when to give em all away, or when to keep them with you.

For when you let them out, you can't take them back.

And it always feel like a part of you is gone with them.

They change things. They will start something new, or just end it. Or they will prolong, they will make things more exciting, or they will pull you down. They will change your tone, they will change your mood. They can lift you up to the top of the world, or chain you down in the darkest dungeon.

They will haunt you. They will linger in your mind.

Silence is golden, or it could just kill you. With wonder.

And with all of these come patience. And wisdom.

Feelings. You are the culprit.

When other people treat you poorly, keep being you. Don’t ever let someone else’s bitterness change the person you are.

And I am sick of this.
C'mon self.

Never let people know that they got to you. Ignore them. Hold your head up high and pretend all their negative remarks don’t even phase you, and someday they actually won’t.

“I’ve chosen my side. A good mix is good, but in my opinion it’s proven that we didn’t get that previously. Can we get it right this time, with everyone starting to be so unreasonable these days? Many believe in change, a drastic one. But I believe otherwise. I believe what we all need is improvement, not a drastic change.”

“One more week to go. And to be honest I am very worried. I don’t know who to believe and what to believe. Everyone has their own point to make, yet I don’t know what’s exactly in their hearts. Or if what is presented is the truth or if it is a lie. All I am certain is that everyone has their own hidden agendas and that’s the scariest part of it all. Ya Allah, please protect my country.”

Anxiously waiting for May 5th. And it's getting to me too. I get the fever. And I don't like myself when this happen. Every 5 years. This will happen.

In times of great stress, it’s always wise to keep busy, to plow your anger and frustration into something positive.

Of reading thought catalog.

That's one thing about me.

I am more into what's in others' minds rather than what's factual, what's really happening in this world.
I am more into how people express how they feel, than what information they have to offer and share.
I am more into their deeper thoughts of themselves, rather than what they think about the current issues.

Not that I don't read about other things, I do, there are times when I get obsessed with current issues so I'll start reading on how others view the issue, what's the issue about etc.. but lengthy comments and information about something may make you feel so overwhelmed. Which sometimes I prefer having a conversation about it, rather than reading them.

These thoughts of others? They're precious, usually they're not something talked about out in the open, with random people.

And sometimes they were not expressed correctly if you were to have a conversation about it. I don't know, maybe that's just me? Haha. I really need to take time to let out how I really feel. And apparently I suck at writing about it too. Pretty much I just don't know how to express. Hence why I am drawn to these deeper thoughts of others too - they write so well.

However, to have a conversation about it? That's one of the best that you can have. Precious conversation.

Which I don't get lately. Heck, actually to be honest, I have been longing to have a really good conversation. About anything and everything really, from something about the world to something about ourselves. But if possible, I want these endless conversations with just one person.

One day, I will :)

It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance. You’ll rarely be 100% sure it will work. But you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Sometimes you just have to go for it!

Empati Tamako - The Trees & The Wild

mereka akan berkata

kesedihanmu akan pergi

terhempas angin selatan

yang penuh debu

terbawa sampai

ufuk timur

terjauh

dan kau akan terdiam

bertanya dalam hati

kapan ini ‘kan

berakhir dan terbawa sampai

ufuk timur

terjauh

dan kau

pernah melangkahkan kaki

dan sejengkal sadar

dan melantunkan

terang yang kau dambakan,

hilanglah semua yang kau tanya

I first got to know the band, and this song from Urbanscapes. Not knowing the title of the song I began looking for it all over the internet - and I failed.

Until today.

Finally found it.

All the feelings I had when I first watched this came back rushing in. To be honest, by far, that's the best live performance I've ever witness my whole life. Maybe cuz I came with no expectation. I didn't even know they're performing.

I have no words to explain how I felt that night. It's just beyond words.

Then now that I found the song, I can really listen to the lyrics.  Whoa.

It's one of those songs which explains exactly how you feel or what you're going through, at that exact point of time.

No wonder.

Life is way more enjoyable when you stop trying to be cool and simply focus on being yourself.

I am turning 25 soon.

So it's another round of reflection is in progress.
Maybe this time, I will write them down. In detail.
And hoping this time, I will find what I am, and have been looking for.

My lost dreams.

You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.

Another chance at redemption.
I'm actually embarrassed, thinking about how many chances that I blew off. And I keep blowing off every chances I get. And I am still unsure if I am using the chances right.

I just failed again a few days back. And today I feel like I am failing again.

Failure, is what I have to get used to. I have been failing so many times in this short period of time. Especially during the past 3 years of my life.

I am not used to it, every time felt like the first time.

Well, I guess I will just keep on trying.

With the right sincere niat, I believe every chance is going to be worth it.

Funny, how failure is my greatest fear, and I have to go through it every so often these days. And I don't know how I feel about that. And I don't know how I can actually go through it so many times. I am wondering.

Don’t regret intimate relationships that don’t work out. Because they will only help you find the right partner for you, and better appreciate them for everything they do and everything they are.

How can you get yourself so attach to someone who isn't attach to you at all?
Well, some may say this is just an illusion, probably you're too engrossed in your ideals, rather than the reality itself.

I don't know.

Used to think that way until I fell into the trap. And I am stuck in it for a long time.

Though I am not sure if I am still lost. Maybe I am. However I know I'll find my way out. I know I have to believe these;

Selfless love is a beautiful thing.
Unrequited love is where we can find beauty in a most painful situation.
The process is just natural. Probably everyone has to get thru this stage at one point of time in their lives, and I am blessed to be going through it when my heart can still take it all in. Although it is now so much weaker, at least it is learning to gather more strength to be stronger.
And I don't lose anything. Because I learn to love, or learning to be more exact, and I am learning not to expect anything else in return. And that's also how I found peace.
Every challenges, every trials, every calamity; they're all blessings in disguise.
And I got myself closer to You. Alhamdulillah.

I am not going to deny that my heart is yearning. And it is still not ready to let go. But I am holding on to You, knowing  that You know what is best for me.

All I am doing now is to get ready. For you, whomever you may be.

And I hope you're doing fine :)

Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future for too long. Right now is life. Live it.

That very moment when you're pretty much confused with your own feelings.

What is this feeling?
Am I sad?
Or happy?
Or is this contentment?
Aren't I supposed to be depressed?
Or am I just numb?
Or am I ignoring the feeling I am supposed to have?

Is that even possible to begin with?

Hm.

And I am unsure if I ever felt this before.
Well I am unsure of a lot of things too.

Better start re-evaluating, again.

Never let success get to your head, and never let failure get to your heart.

It's one of my self-realizations of the month. 

So I made a promise to myself. 

To try and turn things around for this new cycle.

Have always been a broken record. But let's give it another try. 

Let me fail again if I must, but I will never stop trying.

No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.

So I changed the layout of my tumblr. Not the background, just the layout.

Love it. Felt like it's more me.

Anyhoo the downside is that I can't seem to make the tags appear. But that's okay, because it is only me who wants to keep the tags, or actually that one particular tag.

And I have bookmarked it. So I'm good to go :)

If a person wants to be a part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.

#1

If you're a mess, you better just don't get others to be involved in your messiness.

Like, if your life is a mess, you better try to clear it up. I think its unfair for you to pull them in too. Unless, no matter how much you push them away, there they are, sticking around with you. Wanting to be in.

#2

If we're in a mess, maybe we do need some people in. The positive ones especially. Or maybe we need that help. After going through the tough times alone.

Maybe 1 person is enough. But will there be that one person?

#3

If you're in a mess, probably its best for you to find someone who is in a mess too. Maybe you both will understand each other best, no? Probably. And probably that could be your cure?

#4

Wait, who isn't in a mess? and who is?

#5

And I know I have been looking for silver linings, and Alhamdulillah slowly I am seeing them clearly. Or so I thought.

#6

Of watching Silver Linings Playbook.

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Let it go.

You know, I avoid writing about any of this in public but today I just felt so disturbed so I decided to blog about it.

Apologies if you ever find me insulting, or shallow, or over the top. I just want to get this out of my system, and this place is mine to blab.

Whenever the general election is approaching, many people seem to get so desperate in having their voice heard and trying to pull-out some drastic move to get everybody's attention.

One after another, they become the highlights and to many, cheap publicity-stunts and jokes.

I know, these are all relating to matters of the well-being of our country & its people, as most of us will take these to our hearts.

And I don't deny this; as much as I hate this time of the year, I do have my heart devoted to care, and I do get emotional. Especially when seeing everyone went out of their minds and the hatred just spread. like. an. epidemic.

You know what I see myself whenever this is happening? A small girl trying to amuse, occupy herself with some random stuff while listening to their parents fighting.

Seriously the hatred just get to me even though I tried so hard to ignore it.

Since 1998. That's the first time I was exposed to all of these. I was 10. My parents had no choice but to explain a little bit what was happening and at that point of time I kept on wondering why us kids in school have to argue and fight about all these political issues when we're just freaking 10?

And I just don't understand why some parents won't mind teaching their kids to hate, to be rude, feeding their kids with issues that they probably don't even understand in the first place  and to just spread things that possibly be false rather than teaching them to love, to be kind, to be respectful to each other, and try to see good in everyone, teaching them manners.

You know what? I do get tired of people fighting all the time on this. Apparently the younger ones think they're some wise old men, and the adults are fighting like kids wanting to get a spot on a swing at a playground. Some of the people of my generation somehow think as if they know everything already by just hearing, and watching videos (to most of us who don't even "get on the field"). Come on, really you think living for two-decades is enough for you to know everything that is happening in the world?

To me, we're still naive. But its a good thing we paid attention to all of these because they help us grow. It's healthy.

But I believe we should just first witness, experience. Maybe keep our mouths shut first, we just observe instead.

Especially when we're still not that good in handling our own emotions.

Well I think, doesn't matter how old you are, whoever can't keep calm should not be voicing out in the first place (and that is a reminder to me too!). Because when emotions get in the way, things will likely turn ugly. It's not your calm-self talking and probably it's your hormones doing the thinking too.

And too emotional also made you unreasonable.

What we should do is to take a step back, and try to be grateful and slowly think of ways to be better. And not to use your religion, your power, your money, or anything you can bet on to win.

We fight for the betterment of the people, not just yourselves.

And we're all in this together, one country. So let's be together shall we?

Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. But that feeling is a lie. And if you just hold on, someone will find you and help make it better. Because we all need a little help sometimes – someone to help us hear the music in our world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there right now.

Tears after tears.
I can go through this.

I can. Because I have You.


p/s: when everything fails, all you have is Him, yourself and your positivity.

Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone. Some of your best life experiences and opportunities will transpire only after you dare to lose.

It's all about trying to get myself comfortable in the mud, trying to ignore the smell of smoke/weed, trying to fight for a space where there's not many taller people blocking my view, trying to relax while holding two heavy bags and standing for 3 hours not being able to move my feet a lot

and

trying to hold my tears from running down my cheeks.

It wasn't a comfortable situation but

I still enjoyed every bit of the show. It was magical, awesome. And trying to pinch myself, or ask myself again and again "is this really happening?". Waited for this ever since I found my love for this band back in 2009, and there you go, they came.

Whether closing my eyes to get the feel of the songs, or get myself mesmerized by the visuals - simple yet I can't take my eyes off them. Everything is just so perfect.

It has been a very rough and emotional months, especially during this last quarter of 2012. I've come to a point where I have all of my 2012 nightmares came true. Then at the same time there's quite a number of happier things happened/happening and I am a part of them; including this particular event. Alhamdulillah.

And through out, their songs are some of those essentials which have been accompanying me, thick and thin.

These mixed feelings really stirred up especially when they played Glosoli, Hoppipolla & Meo Bloonasir. Thinking of what I've associated them with - be it people, events, places, wishes & dreams. Wishing for the impossible to come true, though I know it won't.

But I told myself not to cry last night.

I am not really sure why. Although I think it's pretty obvious.

Maybe I need more time.

However. Thank you thank you thank you. Terima kasih. Takk Sigur Ros. 

Thank you for everything. And especially, thank you for last night.  

And Urbanscapes is one of my ultimate getaways of 2012. Although it's only in Padang Astaka, PJ. Let's just leave it at that. 

Forgiveness is one of the primary keys to happiness.

Of losing those we love.

I am not writing about losing those who have passed away. Its more like, losing someone you used to be closed with.

I know, people change. What comes after us, what we experience, the path we have chosen, the decisions we make, how we treat people, how we are treated, the time we are given, the moments we shared, the opportunities that were taken away from us; these are some of the events that push us to change.

Its inevitable.

Sometimes I wish I stayed the same all the way. And sometimes I do wish I change. I know without realising I am changing too, maybe to certain extent I am still the same person. But some parts of me have changed.

So I know this too, sometimes these changes may lead to us to grew apart. I understand that. Perfectly, though I don't know if I am accepting that.

But I do wonder, which one is hurting me more?

Either,

We really grew apart that, when we meet up, we can't even hold a conversation for longer than 5 minutes. Like there's a huuugggeeee invisible wall in between us. I don't know what you're up to, what is new with you, how's work, or life, or who is your significant other? Are you currently dating? How's your friends, family, your cats or dogs or rabbits or any other kinds of pets- wait- do you even have one?

Simple questions like that were left unanswered, or maybe were not even asked?

Basically we just stopped sharing, although back then, we can't just stop talking about everything. Like, EVERYTHING LITERALLY.

Or,

We grew apart, as we were all set to our own adventures and/or due to some mishaps or sad events we were forced to not be so close anymore. But when we meet up, or bumped into each other, or just calling up to chat, we realize that the sparks are still there. We kept the conversation going, although I don't know why but it was cut short, but still, it ended up with me smiling from ear to ear. That feeling lasted for quite sometime. It felt super great to be hearing your voice, and knowing what you're up to, and probably feeling that I may be still important to you. Made me feel glad that we are at the same wavelength. Like nothing bad happened previously, like we are okay. We have been that way all along.

But then the disappearing happened again. Left me hanging with questions. Are we okay or are we not? Why are you drifting away? Are you running away from me? What did I do this time?

Sometimes it felt like maybe I can save this, and sometimes it felt like the end. Maybe it is impossible to get past what was done previously.

So, which one hurts more? I still wonder.

But do know this, I am not giving up on any one of you. They hurt, so bad. But never I will give up. You are so important to me.

Stay positive when negativity surrounds you. Smile when others frown. It’s an easy way to make a difference.

Have you ever wondered, if you're an animal, which one would you be?

Haha. Its one lame, teenage-like thought. Or is that kiddy-ish? Well, from time to time I will go back to this kind of thought. I don't know, maybe cuz I want to just think of something less serious, like this one, once in awhile you know? It's tiring to be hearing a lot about the world problems, then about all the dramas happening in your country, then down to the problems faced in the society, then your workplace... then the things you faced daily, or the things others faced in their lives.

Hearing them, then facing them, then thinking about them. Its tiring. Really.

So yeah. If you're an animal, which one would you be?

Cats have always been one of my favorites. Like duh! Especially by reading the content of this blog, or going through tumblr, you'd know =P The sidebar is pretty obvious already too. LOL. Well, they're still my favorites, its just that somehow I blog about them less and less. I have three now at home;  Juliet, Marco & Ollie. Maybe you know Ollie, she's Ossy's sister. The pretty one. Yes, she's still alive, Alhamdulillah. Going 6 years now. Which is rare for us, because usually the cats who live with us don't live more than 5 years!

Juliet & Marco is the two new ones we've picked up from the market. They're dying at that point of time, so we tried to safe and yeah, we did =)

Let's save those stories for later shall we? Okay, I don't know when, but I know they could be one of my 'happy stories' that I need to share.

Do I want to be cats?

To be honest? Not really. I don't know why, I want them. I want to have them. I need to have cats at home. But I don't wanna be them. They're interesting. People, such as my mom, always think some of them are stupid. But I think otherwise. Cats, are generally, one of the smartest, cunning, cuutee & curious creatures. Yes, sometimes they appear stupid, but that is just a trick up on their paws people. Its because they're smart that they 'act' stupid. So humans will follow what they want.

Over time, especially for the past few years, I realized that I've grown to love birds. Back then, I remembered making my grandfather feeling guilty because he likes to keep birds at home, caged. I told them they have to be free.., its torturous for them to see the world so wide, yet they can't travel around it. They can't fly.

But that's it. I never find the joy of watching birds, or maybe because they're not that tamed enough for humans to touch, hence why. They're like the fishes... I don't find the joy of watching them too. At first. Now? Not anymore =) They're all calming bunch.

And yeah, somehow I have bird pendants, bird cage pendants, love birds ring... if I'm not mistaken I do have a bird-print shirts. Or just the feathers.

I'm pretty much quite obsessed over birds now.

I still have a dream to own one, but with condition that bird does not need to be caged. You know which bird do I want as pets? An owl. Yes. I want an owl. They're amazing creatures! They're nocturnal, they looked a bit serious but they can be very manja you know? Haih. If only I can own one.

So I associated myself, and my two other friends Aqilah & Ain as the penguins. Why do I like penguins? They're like one of my favorite birds.

Watch "March of the Penguins". Then you'll see, how family-oriented they are. How they'll choose their partner, down to how they keep the egg warm & safe, to how do they find their family after months and months of being apart. How they share the food with their kids. Well the way they move is kinda cute too! And I like how they never forget each other by how their voice sound like. Its amazing, beautiful. MashaAllah.

Then, there's peacocks. Well I know that I like them especially because of their beautiful feathers! But that only applies to the male ones, is it? I am not too sure but if I'm not mistaken, the females do not have those pretty feathers. They're pretty dull. Haha. In animal world, its always the male who has that attractive trait. They're suppose to attract the females. Or is it just the bird's world? Nah I think even fishes are like that. So more than two types of animals.. hence I can generalize now? Heh.

But peacocks seem to be a bit cocky to me. So, yeah, my admiration towards them are only limited towards their beauty. And that's it.

There are other birds that I like too, like you know, pigeons, hornbills, flamingos, parrots, toucans, and I don't know about them that much. But I'm fascinated by their beauty.

Another one, that I love, which I think its quite obvious that most girls love them, would be... surprise surprise, the Swans.

Why? One word. Graceful.

Yes, I know, they can be fierce. At my kampung, I remember briefly that one of my bros was chased by them. HAHA. Kacau lagi.

But still, as you see them move on the water? Do you agree with me now? Oh, and I found this fact..

And it made me love swans even more.

Even earlier this year, when my mom wanted to buy me a Pandora charm for my birthday, we were entitled for one free animal charm. And that's what I've chosen. A swan. And the reason being is that I want to be reminded that, I am graceful or I want to be graceful, and I will live with grace.

I define grace as 'beauty from within'. I want to be looked at and people will see that 'grace' within me.   So I have to stripped off those hatred within me, try to be all positive on every aspect of my life. To be more accepting on any madness brought to me, not to be bitter anymore, to have faith in Him, and myself that one day, everyone will see that grace is shining through me. And I'll shine it to those who are around me.

In sha Allah.

Grace is my current favorite word. FYI.
And yeah. Swans :P

Notice and cherish life’s surprises. Just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for.

Over dinner the other day...

P: So, what makes you feel happy lately?
FM: Wait. What makes you think that I am happy?
P: Well, because lately, we always heard you sing while you're walking around and all.
FM: Umm... I was singing to Whitney Houston's I will always love you kot?
P: But that's a love song.
FM: Its a break-up song Yah, if you notice.
P: Still.

Question was left unanswered.
haha. okay.

Whatever it is, it kind of proven that I can hide how I really feel by doing that. If that's the case.

There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a good read, a good walk, a good hug, a good smile, or a good friend.

So on Friday at work, I kinda misplaced my parking ticket... 5 minutes after I parked my car.

Freaking 5 minutes. Then I spent another 10 - 15 minutes, looking for it in the parking lot, and in the car itself.

Haha. But that's not the point of my post.

When I went up to my workstation, and continue looking for my ticket in my bag, my dear colleague decided to help me out. Knowing a mess that I am, she gladly helped me, and tried to calm the drama-queen me. So nice of her.

She went through my wallet. My messy wallet.

Well I keep a lot of things in my wallet. Other than receipts that I "forgot" to clear, you can find movie tix, concert tix (sometimes)... even the lomo filters are in my wallet. Hah.

What caught her eye, was actually a playing card.

She was like "why do you keep a Joker card in your wallet?"

Without thinking, as I was busy going through my handbag, I replied "Oh, sentimental value".

Then I paused. The memories started rushing in.

She smiled. And continued searching.

Anyhoo, yeah. That's the reason why I keep all those stuff. Some may call them junks, but to me, they're bits and pieces, which hold a story, or an epic adventure, well basically memories, of me and another person.

I may be forgetful, but I know there are quite a number of things that I hardly forget. Especially those tied up to the stuff I keep, or the songs I listen to, or the places I passed by, or been to, the books I read, the movies, or series that I watched or even the conversations I had.

Memories. They are so easy to make, and for me they're not easy to be forgotten. In a way it is good to keep them close, as they do make you smile from time to time, enlighten the mood when you're down, help to remind you how beautiful life is.

Although I know, it is kind of dangerous to be holding on to them... especially when they make you realize that what is happening isn't as beautiful as it was before. Then you'll feel the pain of "living in the past".

Le sigh. However when I feel that pain? I made them as reminders, to be careful in making memories. Too many memories associated to a person can be very dangerous.

And at the same time, I told myself to never regret anything that I did in the past as they are meant to be my life lessons. So that's what I've been telling myself. These memories? They're gonna be as beautiful as always. I'll smile when I remember them. They'll help me to be strong. They'll help me to keep going on.

So they're still alive in my mind. However I have to be extra careful, as I may end up "living in the past" forever if I hold on to them too much. Which kind of a problem for someone who think too much like me. I tend to let them played in my mind, over and over.

Ah well. That fine line that I have to be careful of.

Anyway.

Amazing how something as simple as a Joker card actually holds so much memories inside yeah? Shows how for me, those little things count. Those little things, are what keeping me happy.

And yeah. I found my ticket at the end. I accidentally put it together with my stack of receipts in my car. Sabar je lah.

If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

So we were talking about the meaning of names the other day at work.
They asked me "So what's the meaning of your name?"

"Farah is an arabic word for 'Happiness'"

and they were amazed by the meaning.

That particular moment it hit me. Okay all my life I knew the meaning of my own name. And I feel so blessed, and thankful to be given that name.

So what hit me?

Just some questions; whether or not I live up to my name. Whether or not I have achieved that, or on my way in achieving that. Do people feel happy when they're with me? Do I make them happy? Is "Happiness" is what I am looking for? And as of now, what's my definition of "Happiness"?

Anyhoo. It's a great reminder I put up there.

And like I told myself gazillions times... I really have to start blogging fun stories. Like my trip to Phuket or my trip to KK, or that recent Treasure Hunting trip up to Bkt Gambang or even about that most recent movie I watched; The Dark Knight Rises.  I know movie reviews sometimes made me all hyped up.

Hmm.