For you I bleed myself dry, for you I bleed myself dry.

Currently listening to Coldplay's Yellow (the live version)

I have not been a good daughter. I can say that I am a bad one. Each day, for as long as I remember, there must be something that she does, or she says, that will just push that "rude button" and make me go crazy mad at her. Yes. That's me and my mom.

To be honest, my relationship with her is very odd. Like I said before, unlike my brothers, I don't show much love. Well that's me. I have my ways of showing some love, but indirectly. That's the sad part, because it takes a lot of effort in people to actually notice what I have for them. If they fail to notice, then they won't feel loved. By me.

Only now, I realize I am getting better at expressing, which is an achievement, I must say.

But I still suck at it. And this is what I do to everyone. Including my mom.

Hence why it's odd. We don't show much love. We don't hug often. Instead we fight. We can yell at each other. Back then when I was away, if we were to fight my dad has to take over the phone and ask us to take a breather, then he hung up.

And either one of us will only call back when we can think straight.When we were not mad anymore.

Then we were confused, on how do we get to that boiling point.

We criticize. We make fun of each other. Which is for a daughter? not so good. Sometimes I forgot that I have boundaries, hence the rude jokes. Thank God she was okay with it. Most of the times. So I am thankful for her 'coolness' when it comes to that.

We were like friends. We gossip. Almost about everything. Well sometimes she can be a sister that I never had.

I am thankful for that too.

But yeah, its a super roller coaster ride. She's unpredictable. And she affects me deeply. I can get migraine from being mad at her. And the whole day is ruined if I were to fight with her in the morning. But when we didn't fight? Most days were bright. She gave me that strength.

Sometimes I feel like she's the boyfriend I never had.

LOL. I know! But I always tell myself this, if I can handle her, then I am ready to handle someone else. aka. My husband... and my kids.

And she's the ultimate mom I am proud to have. The tough cookie. Forever so inspiring. Always so happy. A loving wife. A cool mom (most of the times, hehe). Always positive.

And she's not young anymore. Which I need to start appreciating her more often.

I know.
She carried me in her for 9 months.
She went through hell, she went through a lot of pain while delivering me out to this world.
She took risks... risks that affected her the whole life to make sure I wasn't flawed during delivery.
She raised me.
She does everything to make things right for me.
She is there. Always.

And yet, here I am, making her sad. Always making her mad. Always being so rude to her. Not making her smile.

I took her for granted.

So now I vow to myself. 

I won't take her for granted anymore. 

I will try to lessen the fights. And make her smile more. 

I will do anything for her. And I will prove that. 

I love you, Ibu. 

Continuing from the breakfast talk with family.

There's a series of talks, or just some alone-time thinking, that summed up whatever I am going to blog about now. 

Yes, once before, I shared one conversation with one of my dearest friends, that she said this 

"I don't know. I just cannot see myself in like... you know... around 2013?"

- I rephrased it :P Hello, I can't remember her exact words!

Anyway. To be honest, that was the first time I heard someone said that. And it got me into thinking at that time, where do I see myself then? Until when, what year I can see myself? How far is it from now? 

I am not too sure of what got me confused; the fact that I don't know the answer myself, or the fact that I never thought asking myself that particular question before. 

To go back several years back, back in schooling-I-am-very-ambitious days. Well, I do have a plan. Like I laid out my path clearly. Where do I wanna be, where am I going to work at, as what, what car I'll be driving, what kind of house am I going to be living in, with who, etc.

Okay it wasn't that detail. Although, it does sounded like.. it is. 

Of course, through out the years, those 'details' change. Like I know now I don't wanna be living in an apartment because I want a lawn or a backyard, and I don't think I can afford a mini cooper by the time I'm 30. Oh one more thing, being someone's wife is a part of my plan now. Haha I know, for shame! Why? Because initially I somehow forgot to put that in! okay malu. 

But yeah. I do have a plan. But still, that doesn't mean I can put "up to what year I can see myself". If you get what I mean. I never plan that far I guess. 

And to be honest, quite a lot of things in that 'imaginary list' (or do I write it down somewhere? hurm.. gotta look for it) changed, or changing, or in consideration to be changed. Hence why I actually need to sit down and 'update & amend' that plan. 

Come to think of it, maybe a time traveler, or a psychic who can see themselves far away to the future. Ambitious ones, they have a plan, they can see themselves far. Quite a visionary yes, but still everything is a blur. For me to tell myself I can see it is... scary. Don't you think so? What if it won't go as planned? 

 I know. Focus on the present. Dream of the future. 

I guess everyone gets scared. Those who can only see themselves in a shorter distance, should think of it this way - well. There's always a fun way to paint a blank canvas. Yes? Don't worry if you can't see it now, cuz slowly you'll see it. Clearer than those who have planned. And sometimes it is even better to surprise yourself. Cuz when you realize there is so much to change from the old plan, that's when you get terrified. 

And from our breakfast talk, Ibu said this

"Well for me, I keep on praying so Allah will let me raise you all. Until you're big enough, then He is free to take me."

And she always reminded us that we can pray for longevity, because by then we can devote ourselves more to Him. 

Well then. I like what she said. Something I keep on reminding myself. Whatever it is, always fear that you may not have enough time to repent, and to set things right and to appreciate life as how you should. 

There's more to this whole one week thoughts. But its becoming more private than this that I shall just keep them to myself. Heh. 

FM: .. You know. Some people just cannot see themselves; what they're gonna do and all in certain number of years.
MAR: So can you see yourself... when you're 80?
FM: hmm.. To be honest ibu, I always see the younger version of myself. Never see the older version of myself. Oh maybe I'll become a vampire - I'll be immortal!
MAR: ...
LA: well, Man always see that Abang nanti Ada anak, Firdaus Ada anak.. And Kak Ngah jadi vampire wannabe!
...

Gotta love the breakfast talk. I love my family.

Although the conversation sounded merapu, actually the end of it got me thinking. I'll continue tonight, hopefully :)

Sweet dreams are made of this, Who am I to disagree?, Travel the world and the seven seas, Everybody's looking for something

Currently listening to Emily Browning's Version of Sweet Dreams (are made of this). From Sucker Punch's OST.

I am so blessed to have all of them to celebrate Eid with. Alhamdulillah =)

p/s: maybe I'll blog more. If I feel like it :P

When everything fails, I shall remember her, and her smiles, laughs, funny stories. You know she has gone through so much, and yet she's nothing but unbelievably happy, and positive all the time.

One of the most determined, and strongest woman I know.

And I feel so blessed that I get to meet her this time. To see her after 5 long years. Terubat rindu.


Alhamdulillah. Raya has been awesome so far :)


p/s: can't wait for the next time. and from what I heard, there's a chance that she'll get her eyesight back. Let's keep on praying for her that she will one day :)

Amie, come sit on my wall. Read me the story of O

Currently listening to Damien Rice's Amie

 So they turned 27 yesterday

I realised lately they love to give me advices on love. Also hints on "ey when are you getting a boyfriend huh?". LOL. I get that a lot, from them, brothers, my friends, my parents' friends, neighbors... Even my grandma was like

"Hang bila nak kawen?"

"Tunggu Atok, boipren pon kami tak daq lagi.."

"Hang jangan lupa cari boipren na?"

"...ok :)"

But one of the things I am thankful for is that, they never push me when it comes to this. Maybe mom is trying out new way of hinting - reverse psychology. Like "I think your sister just decided not to marry anyone. Dia nak jadi andartu kot" or "Firdaus, you're gonna have to take care of her. I don't think she's gonna marry anybody" LOL. Still, no pressure. They kept on reminding me that things like these need time. 

Even when I told them that I don't mind match making, or meeting one person and go straight to marriage (mind you! in a joking way okay? :P), my mom will be "NOOO! YOU HAVE TO GET TO KNOW HIM FIRST OKAY?? OKAYY???"

I never really jott down the stuff they told me. Well, I am pretty sure at the back of my mind they're there. Malas nak recall je :P HAHA. One of them is up there. On being friends, really get to know a person before deciding to settle down with the particular person.

Okay la. Here's some

1. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. When you choose someone you love more, the chances are, you'll end up unhappy. 

2. Beauty isn't everything. It'll fade over time. Personality is what you need.. 

3. If he kept on delaying on marrying you, he's more likely to call it off. One thing about men, they're certain when it comes to this. 

4. Don't be so rash into settling down. Marriage is a huugee thing. Often those who decide fast didn't last so long. 

Okayla I can only think of 4 at the moment. Eh, 5 to include the one above. And these are the simple ones, the ones you hear from everyone everywhere, but somehow you remember it more if it comes from your parents. And plus they said the above over and over again. LOL. 

Anyway,

For me, 27 is long. I can't even imagine if I can stand a person for 27 years! LOL okay. Actually it should be this... I can't even imagine if someone can stand me for 27 years! haha. That's more like it. 

And one thing for sure. That I learn something from them and their love story. And I will always remember..

"What ever happens, good or especially, bad, we'll remind each other of the hardship that we have to go through to be together. We've gone through so much, why should we put em all to waste?"

And, something that they didn't say or mention, but I picked up from their stories. I'll remember it too :

Fight for it, if you truly believe he/she is the one for you. Fight for love. 

Well, being in love is a battlefield, no? You have to fight for the crown to be his/hers, and keep on fighting to make sure no other people or situation can take that away from you.

27 years. And they look like the young people in love. Minus the mushy part though. I'd prefer them not to be too PDA-ish in front of us. duh.

I want that you know. After so long, you can feel the love so strong between them. Like they just started to be in love or something. How they have proven most people that they're wrong. Their love is real. And its truly, love.

I love them both so much, and I pray to God that this will last forever. And hope they stay true to their love til the end. Amin. 

Cuz you'll never know what's gonna happen in the future kan. Nauzubillah.

So to you, my dear parents, 

Happy 27th Anniversary

Melodi indah yang kucipta, hanya untuk luahkan rindu padanya.

Currently on repeat: Aizat Amdan's Lagu Kita

So Jue & Mukrim tied the knot last weekend. She's my first close friend who got married!

Not gonna talk about it in detail, as I don't have the time :P. But it was simple, and beautiful. Weather was perfect. Crowd was good. Food was yummy, altho I don't get to eat much (sadd), and the performance is awesome! I love everything about it!

And I didn't have many photos of me.. because I was busy doing this:

Yeah. I'm one of the photographers of the day!

And to be specific...

Check out my camera - its huugee! Its actually the fuji instax!

Kind of a replacement for Polaroid. Since the Polaroid films are hard to find now, I decided to just change the camera/ LOL. It was quite an attraction. Since its quite big, and doesn't look like a SLR/DSLR

Anyway the "Instax project" was our gift to them. So not gonna reveal much here. ehe. 

It was tiring, but fun. And memorable! Since the whole event is kind of different. I dressed up differently too. Feels like I'm back in the 90s, as I used to wear dresses to kenduris when I was younger. However, those were all last-minute shopping. Do you like it? .. I looked a bit pregnant there didn't I? Oh well. 

That's about it for now. 

I guess this marks the point where I should look forward for more close friends' weddings. More to come next year maybe? InsyaAllah :)

p/s: thanks to Abu's friend, now I am in love with this song. Can't stop listening to it!::')

I can hear her panting while we're talking over the phone just now. That left me worried.

She has reached 5-year milestone. I don't know, for a cancer patient I think that is very long, no?

He gave her another 5 years to live. She didn't know she has it, but she kind of accepted her fate, that its incurable. She calmly accepted it.

Pretty sure she's ready. But I don't know if I am.

I think He gave you enough, Farah. Kan?

For that, Alhamdulillah.

Forget the horror here, Leave it all down here, It's future rust and then it´s future dust

Currently listening to Yuna's cover of Spanish Sahara

Just when I thought my mom and I are in "our good days", because she cooked all of my favorites for berbuka today. Then I popped a question, just to make plans ahead. 

She just made me angry again. 

Le sigh. I just don't understand our relationship sometimes. 

Your shimmy shook my bones, Leaving me stranded all in love on my own

Currently listening to Kings of Leon's Closer 

courtesy of Azrul Azwar. Thanks Kakang :)

At a Nikah ceremony:

FM: look Ibu, the mother cried. You know what? I think on my wedding day you'll cry too. I bet you would!

MAR: Oh please-lah.

FM: Well.. I am gonna make you cry. I'll make sure of that. 

MAR: pffttt. Tolong la ye. I won't cry!

Random conversation with my Ibu. Come to think of it, this year I wanted to dedicate a post for Mother's Day. But apparently I didn't. How sad. But she doesn't read this blog anymore now that I am here. And I treated her breakfast. 

I like the fact that we both smiled like that. haha. 

Call me lame. But I really love the way they look at each other, I love it so much it becomes my wallpaper.. for awhile. The scene is also very cute. That's what I like about first love. They seem so pure and although they're all mushy, but they're still cute and we still go awwww. 

To be honest, I don't like this song. I get annoyed with it easily. But you know what? The verses posted above are exactly what I feel. Well at least what I've felt. I don't know if I feel the same anymore now.

Okay back to work.

p/s:  Do you think of me? Where am I now, baby, where do I sleep?

Monday was miserable, although the iftaar was good. LOL. Yeh I treated myself Kluang Station's mee siam, sirap selasih and a toasted bun (which I finished them in just freaking 10 minutes :P), then the Auntie Anne's Almond Pretzel and the lemonade.

I am a beast nowadays I just feel like eating everything I can.

But then as I got home, I managed to finish watching Juvana, then I fell asleep, waking up in the middle of the nights with the kittens sitting on top of me, one was asleep too and the other was just watching me. His face is exactly right on my chin, so when I wake up I'll see his face, with the round eyes, looking at me. Then I took them into my room, and forgot to lock them in the cage, so when I woke up for the second time at 5 am I realized there r poop everywhere!

Oh I realized something - I never blogged about my new kittens. Oh well. Anyways.

Tuesday? I was sick! But that didn't stop me from doing what I've planned since the week before;

1. Outing with my high school friends
2. Morning walk, and karaoke with the crazies.

Basically I re-lived the good ol' times.

Seriously, selagi mampu, I'd do anything to re-live the good ol' days. And today? Although I was sick, the whole day was well spent.

It was worth it :)

So yes. Back to the Wiserable Wednesday :( Gosh, I want all this to end!

I wish that somehow, You’d tell me out aloud, That on that day I’ll be ok, But we’ll never know cause, That’s not the way it works, Help me find my way

Currently listening to Sami Yusuf's Make me Strong
(finally got the full album from a Colleague :D)

While trying out the portable iPod/iPhone speakers using my iPhone, I shuffled and Sigur Ros' Hoppipolla was chosen & played.

My family was like

"cover your ears!" 

 "no! my eyes!!"

"is this the Clarice's death song???" 

Ok somehow this is funny. LOL. Whatever peeps. I don't care and I know Clarice love this song.

If I had you, life would be a party it'd be ecstasy.

Currently listening to Adam Lambert's If I Had You 

More fireworks. 

So my birthday + F1 weekend has ended. Well it was simple, I didn't celebrate my birthday actually but I'll just consider it as one special weekend. Definitely was fun and there's fireworks! Been blabbing about how I can never get enough of it over and over in this blog, so yes, I am beyond happy to see them! But it kinda made me miss Wellington & its Guy Fawkes night though. 

Anyhoo, I am grateful for everything. Thank you family and friends for your time, especially Nana for F1 experience you've given me :) Alhamdulillah. 

Now back to work. 

So yesterday Anne and friends threw Daz a surprise bowling birthday party. Well, I was surprised too when the bowling place played a super corny birthday song - didn't really remember the lyrics but I can tell you, it's the most corny birthday song I've ever heard my whole 22 years of life. 

However the party was fun. It was really good to be seeing some faces that I haven't seen for months, and yes, to show to the world how I suck at bowling. I seldom bowl - it's like a once in a blue moon thing. If I'm not mistaken this is my fourth, or my fifth time and by far, this is the worse game I ever had. 

Well whatever it is, definitely I'll be getting a lunch treat from Ahmal for just... suck-ing at bowling? 

Anyhoo. Dazriq, Happy 24th Birthday to you in advance ;)

And let me wish twothree of my favorite people in my life on their (belated) birthdays too:

Ibu, Happy 59th Birthday!

I love you always. And can't wait to see you next week XD

Happy 23rd Birthday Ain!
Recently I keep on thinking about Malacca. Hehe. I plan to bring my polaroid there nanti btw ;) Geez I miss you!

And Happy 23rd Birthday Mika!

Just hoping to see you anytime soon, and probably try to talk less about work LOL.

Have an awesome year ahead folks!

Well I've wished them personally before hand, so we're cool B-)

p/s: I missed out Ain - well, I forgot her birthday was a day before my mom! Whoops! Sorry babeee. 

-

This week is my sick week. been sick since Tuesday, got better yesterday and suddenly I'm sick again today. Must be the food I ate last night too. 

I'm bitter right now. And emotional. Ugh I hate this.

Anyhoo, I miss this. We went raptor watching last Sunday and yes luck wasn't on our side. Not many raptors flying around (they came a bit later - when we're already at the bottom of the hill). So I took more of my family photos. lol. 

Hopefully I'll get better tomorrow. I really need to be perfectly healthy for the fun-filled weekend! 

Time to look for ways to sleep!

uUuUuUuuuuUUuUuuU you set my soul alight.

Currently listening to Muse's Supermassive Black Hole.


I think I know what's causing the previous "tipsy" incident.

Quite positive it is CAFFEINE. Cuz it happened again today when I took tea, then a very thick coffee afterwards to keep myself awake while driving to work.

Only 2 days ago I asked myself "why don't you stop taking caffeine?". But I can't let go off my tea. Teh wangi is my current favorite, well you all should try it! Heard Giant is selling them. We usually stock up ours from Kedah. So then I told myself, it's okay, keep it low. Take smaller intake.

I am planning to stop taking Redbull too. Or again, take less. Well Nana reminded me how it is quite dangerous to rely on any kinds of energy drinks as they may increase the chances to get stroke or heart attack.

Maybe snacking will help to keep me going. New strategy yes? I have to start bringing apples whenever I go. Well any kinds of fruits. And healthier snacks.

And my mom told me this : "Farah, if you are tired, zikir Subhanallah banyak2. Rasulullah SAW told his wife Aishah RA to recite zikr Subhanallah if she's tired"

Well, I can feel its working. Hurm. Not bad ;) Subhanallah. The power of Allah yo.

Okay back to work!

"So what if I buy you a sewing machine?"

 "OMG. Tempting! But I don't know if I have the time. I wish I have. Maybe one day I will"

I keep on thinking about this since then. Maybe I should start saving money for it. Not maybe. This is it.

But whatever it is, I think she knows me really well.

One of the firsts picture taken by me, while she was sleeping on my lap. Back in the 2007 - the early stages of getting to know each other. 

Maybe its a bit too much to feel a bit too sad for a cat. While others are battling or have someone (they're very much close with) going through worse. To me, they are a part of my family. I spent time with my cats, and I helped to take care of them so that's how I feel so attached with both Ollie & Clarice.

Now, Clarice is getting worse by the day. She's diagnosed with another deadly virus - the FIP. And this one is more violent to cats than the FeLV - kills the cat faster too. To cut the chase, since yesterday my parents ask us (especially Luqman) to consider euthanasia if she is really suffering but apparently not only Luqman hesitated, the doctor as well. So we are leaving her at the ward for 2 days, and tomorrow will be the day he has to decide.

Well if he can he would take care of her til her last breath. But now we have to take note if 1. she is suffering 2. if Ollie is at risk if she stays. I know its hard, especially for him because of their strong bond. I tell you, even when she calls Luqman is sounded like "Man". When she's playing in the bushes, and heard Luqman calling she'll quickly run to him. I envy Luqman for being her favorite. But what can I do, I missed out 2 years of her life. The time we bonded were only during Summer breaks, and I only become a "recurring character" in her life since last year.

Almost exactly 1 year because I came back home for good on the 16th February 2010. Hurm. Exactly a year I would say.

To be honest, I would love it if she can stay on, but I can't fight Qada and Qadar, and one cannot be selfish. I will pay as much as I can for her medical expenses and leave Luqman for caring (as I am working for almost every day now).

Okay I am talking as if the decision has been made. But looking at her conditions, and what we read in the net, most people ended up putting their cats to sleep. It is all as a matter of whether she is suffering or not.

But what I can do now is to cherish of all memories I have with her - how she made me go insane by spoiling my HDD, how she likes to ignore me but came to get my attention when I was on the phone, or using the laptop, our experience of being roomies and especially - The fact that we both love Sigur Ros.

I am positive that she loves it! When I watched Heima, everyone else is like making fun of me. Well they claim that I have poor and weird taste in music anyway. And Sigur Ros front man Jonsi sang like my cat Ollie. Apparently Clarice came to room and she joined me. Her face was very relaxed and it looked as if she's enjoying the whole Heima experience. LOL. Family thinks that because she understood the song as the frontman sounded like a cat.

And this is what happened at the vet:

DR: Oh, does she has any traumatic experience? Macam accidents ke? -
AAA: Ada2. Must be that band Farah suka and dia pasang haritu kat TV
FM: Ayahhh mana ada!!!

Every time I went to her I'll tell her I love her (I am getting better at expressing now btw :P.. or probably it's easier to say that to animals), although the night before she was sent to the ward I didn't pet her, and that morning too - I didn't drop by to see her before I left for work and that made me regret for not doing so. Now my last time seeing her was the day before.

So I dedicate this post for you Clarice. Also hoping hard that everything will get better. Anything we do its for your best interest. Because we love you.

Park that car, drop that phone, Sleep on the floor, dream about me.

 Currently listening to Broken Social Scene's Anthems for a 17 y/o Girl

This is taken a few days before..

Its kind of worrying that Clarice's pupil shrinking only on one side. Its still the same now, and if Luqman have some time to spare tomorrow he'll take her to the doctor. Its been like that since Saturday, but we had another emergency so we can't take her to the hospital. And everyone has been busy ever since - my mom and my two brothers Adam and Firdaus are still in Kedah, Luqman's exhibition started this week, my dad's travelling around the peninsula for work and I am assigned to a week-long engagement which requires me to go back late at night, well not too late today as we don't have enough materials to make us stay back. 

Hopefully Luqman has some time to spare tomorrow. Amin. 

Looking at sick people, and sick cat lately reminds me to go to the dermatologist & the dentist asap - my skin is getting worse and I haven't checked my teeth for a year. pfft. 

Oh, notice that I have photos to share lately? hehe. Thanks to this company and to her - Now I can start taking pictures again. Without having to carry an extra camera in my heavy bag of course :)

Okay better start working. 

Things may get better, or they won't.

All we can do now is to pray hard, and wish for the best. 

Terrified? Suddenly I am feeling that now. 

Hang in there Tokwan. I know you can, you're a strong man. We're here for you :)

...Amin.