For you I bleed myself dry, for you I bleed myself dry.

Currently listening to Coldplay's Yellow (the live version)

I have not been a good daughter. I can say that I am a bad one. Each day, for as long as I remember, there must be something that she does, or she says, that will just push that "rude button" and make me go crazy mad at her. Yes. That's me and my mom.

To be honest, my relationship with her is very odd. Like I said before, unlike my brothers, I don't show much love. Well that's me. I have my ways of showing some love, but indirectly. That's the sad part, because it takes a lot of effort in people to actually notice what I have for them. If they fail to notice, then they won't feel loved. By me.

Only now, I realize I am getting better at expressing, which is an achievement, I must say.

But I still suck at it. And this is what I do to everyone. Including my mom.

Hence why it's odd. We don't show much love. We don't hug often. Instead we fight. We can yell at each other. Back then when I was away, if we were to fight my dad has to take over the phone and ask us to take a breather, then he hung up.

And either one of us will only call back when we can think straight.When we were not mad anymore.

Then we were confused, on how do we get to that boiling point.

We criticize. We make fun of each other. Which is for a daughter? not so good. Sometimes I forgot that I have boundaries, hence the rude jokes. Thank God she was okay with it. Most of the times. So I am thankful for her 'coolness' when it comes to that.

We were like friends. We gossip. Almost about everything. Well sometimes she can be a sister that I never had.

I am thankful for that too.

But yeah, its a super roller coaster ride. She's unpredictable. And she affects me deeply. I can get migraine from being mad at her. And the whole day is ruined if I were to fight with her in the morning. But when we didn't fight? Most days were bright. She gave me that strength.

Sometimes I feel like she's the boyfriend I never had.

LOL. I know! But I always tell myself this, if I can handle her, then I am ready to handle someone else. aka. My husband... and my kids.

And she's the ultimate mom I am proud to have. The tough cookie. Forever so inspiring. Always so happy. A loving wife. A cool mom (most of the times, hehe). Always positive.

And she's not young anymore. Which I need to start appreciating her more often.

I know.
She carried me in her for 9 months.
She went through hell, she went through a lot of pain while delivering me out to this world.
She took risks... risks that affected her the whole life to make sure I wasn't flawed during delivery.
She raised me.
She does everything to make things right for me.
She is there. Always.

And yet, here I am, making her sad. Always making her mad. Always being so rude to her. Not making her smile.

I took her for granted.

So now I vow to myself. 

I won't take her for granted anymore. 

I will try to lessen the fights. And make her smile more. 

I will do anything for her. And I will prove that. 

I love you, Ibu.