Even with the rest belated, everything is antiquated, Are you writing from the heart?

Currently listening to Sufjan Stevens' Come On! Feel the Illinoise!

Okay I know I am such a scaredy cat sometimes. I'm afraid of the cockroaches, reptiles (like lizards & snakes), and amphibians like frogs.

Often I had dreams of these creatures chasing after me. Tiring and scary at the same time. Kan?

But nothing beats the dreams I had a week ago:

So I attended a function at a house, a very beautiful one. We gathered at the veranda, which has a very nice pond right at the side. It's like the water level and the flooring of the veranda is at the same level. Er, do you get me? Anyhoo, so there were quite many people, they were talking while waiting for the event to start I guess. 

Then suddenly there's a movement in the water. Well there were fishes in there so, that's normal right? Somehow that caught some guests' attention. Like it's weird.. sort of. Apparently one of the guests were too curious so she had to go into the pond to feed her curiosity. And she found a book, which apparently looks like new and very dry although it was in the pond. Haha okay THAT is weird. But that's not the highlight of my dream. 

This guest still hasn't settled with her findings so she actually continued diving into the pond! and suddenly we realized... something is funny. Cuz her body was bruised up as if she got bitten by something. Everyone is worried, and some were trying to signal to her to get out of the pond.

But... she was a bit too late.

Because, all of the sudden there were fishes coming out of her through the bruises! ewww

I don't know what happened to her next. Because those fishes are like piranhas and they can live on land! So yes, a swarm of fishes actually.. I don't know how to say this.. swam out on the land? Okay let's leave it like that. So they swam out on the land, and going after us! Including me. 

It was a total chaos. I was running and awfully scared. Like how I feel when I was chased by those creatures I mentioned earlier In my dreams of course.  

There's always a hero in the story right? So yes there he was, appearing out of nowhere, wearing the V for Vendetta mask, with a grass cutter, laughing hysterically and telling all of us to not worry, and he got everything covered because he can kill the fishes with his grass cutter. 

Panicked and confused at the same time, I told myself not to care and kept on running.

Then my brother woke me up.

Have to admit the whole thing is weird. And pretty scary too. I woke up with my heart beating superbly fast, as if I just finished a sprint or something. But thank God there were no fishes like that in this world!

Me and my never ending nightmares *sigh*

Look what you've done ,You punched a hole in the sun.

Currently listening to Seabear's Libraries

it all started with this

Then I started browsing to confirm the fact, but instead I found something else, including the link below:

Top 10 Amazing Facts About Dreams

I love lists. So I think this link led me to a new fave website of mine =)

But yeah referring to the fact above, really?

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

Currently listening to John Mayer's Dreaming with a Broken Heart

INCEPTION. The main reason why I love this movie is because of the storyline that revolves around one of my favorite topics - dreams.

One thing that I learn/started to believe from watching Inception is that, dreams are what YOU created from what you think about, or from your subconscious mind. They have NOTHING to do with signs or whatsoever.

It is one of the bitch slaps of reality that I got. Because before this, for every dream, a vivid one especially, I just can't help but to question myself "why?"

It felt as if there must be a message, or a reminder, or a sign behind every dream. So that kind of disturb me  for the whole day. Or maybe more. Well, being someone who loves to think too much.

There is a lot of things about dreaming that I learn from watching Inception. Honestly I don't know if they are actually factual, or just total made up just for the movie. Or maybe it could be some kind of a person's interpretation about a dream. But to me they make sense.

But I have to re-watch the movie to list down what about dreams that I learned. Heh. I haven't got the chance to watch it for the second time. Anyway,

So today, after quite a long time, I had one of those vivid dreams.

One thing about dreaming is that, there are the kinds of dreams that you love or you hate.

The ones I love are the kind of dreams that can make me smile, even if its just for awhile. Sometimes for me, to have dreams at night meaning your imagination still runs wild. And that's what I want - to still have imagination.

I enjoy having the the ones which do not make sense. Like for instance, the adventure type where I have to kill of zombies, or the one that I am friends with the Big Bang Theory nerds, and the sober Raj Koothrappali actually talked to me or maybe the fairy-tale type like me being the side kick to a prince to help a damsel in distress princess. I should have documented them down so probably if I am going to be dead broke one day I could be like JK Rowling, I can start writing. Then I can do something like Stephenie Meyer - where her Twilight Saga was inspired from her own dream. I was too late, because when I started putting them down in words since early last year then, somehow I just stopped dreaming.

The ones I hate? Are the ones about my tragic deaths or events, or the ones which I thought were real, but then I suddenly woke up and realize... the reality was nothing like the dream. Left me feeling so disturbed. Like today.

Maybe the impact on me is even bigger as I haven't had these kinds of dreams for some time.

And what disappoint me is that, I thought I believe differently now. But somehow when I woke up? It was as if I was made to believe that everything was really happening. Until I realize that, it is not. It won't. When I know it won't, I started questioning myself why? what is up with the dream?

Maybe because I want it so much to happen, so I want to believe there's an underlying sign behind it.

Well, right now I conclude yes there are signs behind the  dream - to remember not to wish for something I cannot have or to wish for an impossible thing to happen, to be grateful and to be reminded that DREAMS ARE OF YOUR OWN CREATION.

Just let us start it over again...

Currently on repeat: Muse's Exogenesis Symphony Part 3 (Redemption)

Its raining outside. And I am hoping that it's going to rain all night. Because I am pretty much burned, and right now somehow I feel like trying to make an excuse not to go to work. I just wanna go somewhere, alone, and take time to absorb everything that has been happening to me for the past 5 months.

I am like a laptop that has not been turned off for months. Slow processing and overheated. I need to reboot. Maybe I should "jump-start" myself. But how? Its either I have to push myself to the edge, find a life-and-death situation for example to make me realize that I must stick with my path, or I must find the calmness in me so that I can think with a very clear mind.

Okay accidents are..nauzubillah..out of question. I am talking something like cliff diving, or sky diving.

haha merapu. I don't remember myself feeling alarmed, or refreshed about life after the bungy jump. I knew I want to do it again cuz its fun. and it's freaking awesome to be falling off. The adrenaline rush.

That left me with the latter.

But,

since there's no way out for tomorrow (how can I escape now?), let's just take time to relax for a bit. Hey, the brave don't run remember? So let's listen to this song, over and over, and don't really care much about the other things surrounding me except for the rain, and this song, and this space to express whatever I feel like expressing. I am pretending that I am all alone, and not in this area. Instead, I am at the back of my room, facing the green field, that I can imagine to be a huge lake, or a sea.

Ah, nice :)

I never thought that I'd find that the sea, the lake, or anything with wide space & water calming. I know I love fields. Green fields. I think.

Eh. Have I ever think of anything like that before?

To say that I love the jungle also may not be accurate. Actually I do, but I always associate the jungle with adventures, that's the adrenaline junkie side of me speaking. But I am also paranoid, so I know I won't be that calm in there. I love the nature's symphony though. Well, who doesn't? Before, I don't appreciate fishes. I cannot understand why people love observing them. But now, whenever I feel so messed up, I'll walk out, and try to sit in the middle of our Koi pond (there's a space there). And just observe them, then I'll feel the calmness.

But I won't be there for long, cuz after awhile I remembered frogs, snakes (possibly they're there too) and lizards.

... okay I just realized that I don't really have a place for me to find calmness. My room is one place I know, especially when it rains, or the weather is superb so when I opened the windows I feel good. But that depends on the weather, and the tidy-ness of the room. Problem for a messy person like me.

The room in Wellington is also another place. Given that the weather in Wellington is always cooling, so it's always perfect. Ala, of course we'll find calmness in a place that we think its safest for us - our room.

Okay, outside. Where?

I think I used to have one - The Botanical Garden. I like sitting there for a few hours just to clear up my mind. I have my own spot. I know there's no way a snake can sneak up and surprise me there. So maybe that's why I can feel calm.

this is also one example :)

Maybe I should find one here. and now the word 'should' MUST not always be used. I have to use the word MUST.

MUST get things done on time. MUST do it (ehe macam bag Niki) right, MUST give the best shot. MUST find that place. MUST stop this stupid depressing cycle. MUST stop complaining.

MUST. MUST. MUST.

and I must teach myself to be more disciplined. That is definitely what has been lacking.

Okay, I am still not bored of this song. Muse is the one of the best ever. Currently this song reflects how I'm feeling. Along with Endlessly. Haih I am such an emo girl.

This is random, but do you know that I once dreamt about them? This is during the time BDO coming up. I was so hyped up cuz they're gonna be there, up to the point I dreamt that I missed the show. It was like, I went to this 2-day music festival, and Muse is going to perform on the second day (they're the main highlight of the fest, so obviously they're gonna go last). But after the first day, I slept, and when I woke up I realized that I missed them, cuz I woke up 10 years later after that! It's like I travelled through time. I didn't even care to notice on how much everything have changed, or whether I am successful etc. I care more on how come I can miss Muse. In fact, I was really furious and frustrated.

That is how much I love them. LOL.

Okay, enough with ramblings. I should continue doing my work.

Switch to "Reality Mode".

Adding up a challenge for myself.

She paid a visit, and just left a couple of days ago to Auckland. Sunday is going to be her last day here. The reason why she's here? Backpacking, for a month, Alone.

How cool is that?

One of the things that I really want to do before I die is to travel alone. I mean not just boarding on a plane alone to meet other people you know when you arrived. I wanna go visit a place or several places, and stayed there for couple of days, or maybe a week, or weeks, or months (okay that is ambitious) and I don't care where exactly that I want to go, it can be just a small beautiful island in my home country, or somewhere so far away. But actually it's fun to go to the one which is far away, it's even better if you go to the place which you don't even know the language.

Okay I love to imagine myself going to a place where I don't even understand what they're talking about and actually found someone who's a very nice cute guy nice enough to show me around, and in the end we become lovers good friends. Like (everyone guessed it) in the movies.

Well, to be in a place like that, is a very good challenge actually. But yeah, that is pretty ambitious too. Ah, I don't care. Anywhere will do. I just want to do it alone.

But that's the question that I have to ask myself; do I have the guts to do it?

I realized, I was never really alone. Okay coming here years ago was one of the biggest step I've made and done; moving from my own home to live at a totally unfamiliar place full of strangers. But then it didn't take long, not even a day for me to find new friends to be with. Alhamdulillah, I thank God for the peeps of my own batch. Yeah that's the thing. The stuffs I do alone so far was just you know, going to classes, studying at the library in between classes, walking back home or to uni, settling stuffs, and the longest time I spent time with myself alone is to travel back to my home country, or to come back here after the holidays.

And yeah, I still have that 'uneasy feeling' of talking to strangers that I see/met randomly, like at the cafes or in the public transports. I will bring a book, or a magazine with me if I were to eat alone. So I can be the perfect shy-untalkative-girl if you strangers saw me alone. Like I don't favour social interactions. Like I am a loner.

Sometimes I wonder how my mom does it. You know, just simply talk to strangers sometimes. She's wayy too friendly than I am. I can be a really awkward kind of person, you know, the one that can give you a big dew drop at the back of the head (like the japanese animes, I don't know how to describe that thing) or maybe left you with a big harmonious crickets sounds as the background music. Basically, I am a slow starter. There are times where I can give you a fast start, but only if I feel comfortable with the surroundings.

So what if I am just alone in a big busy city with just strangers, no familiar faces around me? I bet that's going to be rough. Probably I'll just end up talking to birds, or the stray cats that I saw while walking.

Probably I'll just stay on one particular spot, the one that I feel most comfortable. That will most likely be the motel room or just the bed right? Haha. Exploring will just be out of my to-do list.

Okay I think that's too much. If I wanna do this, I just have to prepare myself. Be brave. Positive. And just have fun. I have to gather all my guts and just do it. But when will that be? I don't know. Let's see. I need to have money, so because of that I have to work. Obviously not in the near future lah.

Kak Shaz inspires me to do what she'd done. I mean, I always want to do it, and when she's here, it just encouraging me more. She's so brave, and until now, I feel so proud of her. To be able to do that alone.

To Kak Shaz (with hope you're reading this), I really hope you enjoyed your stay here. I mean, there were not many places that I showed you around, and I hope I was being a good host. I felt guilty for just leaving you at home/alone not doing anything much. And really hope you'll come again before I go back to Malaysia for good. And during my holidays ke. So I can really take you to see other further places, and travel with you together. It's been fun having you around, and I thank you for visiting me. It feels so nice having a family member to be close/near to me when I am thousands miles away from my number one home.

And I am soo glad that you really love this:

I know you'll miss this, and I don't mind drinking it for you everyday. Its so freaking awesome even I can't get enough of it. And it's been years. Haha.

Selamat pulang ke Tanahair =)

Okay I think I have written a long post. And I am quite pleased with myself for this. I just want to have this vibe of blogging to share my everyday lives in this blog. Once I went through the posts I had, I realized lately I have become a broken record, I keep on repeating stuffs.

Hopefully this one is not something that I have repeated tho =P

Speaking of traveling, I can't wait for my exams to end (altho I don't study that much, will get back on to the books later...) so I can plan my holidays! Should I go somewhere cold, but has a fantastic view and has the highest bungy place ever (Queenstown) or somewhere a lot warmer to see Juju in Brisbane?

hmm... but I have to find ka-ching! first... so sad.

p/s: I wonder why but I never get bored of The Click Five's Empty. It is on repeat now. Okay I need to study.

Heartless.

Crying is one way for me to let it all out, especially when I feel so sad... or stressed out... or angry. When I feel so emotional.

Somehow that makes me feel better.

Last year was the year that I cried a lot. I even cried in public, in front of many people...tak malu kan.. but actually it is rare for me to burst out like that in front of many people. Unless they're close friends and family. Ah I guess I was too vulnerable then; I went through a lot of things and most of them were emotionally challenging. I can't help myself but to have breakdowns along the way.

But things were so much different this year. I mean there are not many things that stuffing me up.

Okay I lied.

Yes, there are not many things that I have to do involving responsibilities on other people. This time it's more like a "Me-Year". Which led to me having mixed feelings... on a lot of important things to me that I have think about.

and it sucks when these stuff bother me too much. I find it really hard to concentrate on other things that I really have to do. I have exams soon. So I have to study and I definitely cannot afford to waste any more time. But that's the thing, I got easily distracted whenever this topic came up. To the extent that it is spoiling my mood to do anything for the next few days.

and it sucks even more when I feel so lost and I just don't know what to do next. I wish everything is so certain. So I know what is going to happen next and I don't have to bother myself wondering and worrying whether I can cope. Being a weak person that I am, I get so stressed out because of all these. and I also get so emotional.

At times like these, I feel crying would help. But yeah, here comes the suck-iest part; I can't. I just can't. For quite a long time. Long enough for me.

So a few nights ago I had one of those weird dreams.And this dream ended with me in tears.

I woke up, but I wasn't crying. My eyes were not all teary (is there such word?) too.

Okay, I know. It is just a dream. But that's the thing... I was hoping and waiting for that to happen.

To be honest, I actually miss crying.

*sigh*

Sometimes I wonder, how is this possible? Why? Is it because I cried too much last year?

And sometimes I feel like I am losing my emotions. Like I am becoming heartless.

Ah, maybe I will. Soon. I can't just force myself on these kind of stuff.

Okay, I should stop. I have to continue studying. Which I should do hours ago. And I haven't started anything. Geez...

Oh what I feel like doing right now:

Cliff diving.

It looks fun, and dangerous as I am not a good swimmer. But I feel it is going to help myself to wake up and face the reality.

I really need a wake up call. Cuz right now I find myself enjoying the time in Pixie Hollow.

I am still wishing that I am living in Neverland.

and I just had to share this...

I got this txt from Nadiah Bgaj earlier this afternoon:

"Smalam I mimpi we both are on Amazing Race. N we suck big time. Hahaha. We were at the airport late for our flight and I shouted at you to hurry but you cakap 'jap jap I nak shopping!'"

Thanks babe for sharing this with me! How I wish I was the one who dreamed of going on a race! You know, I really wanna travel the whole world, kalau mimpi pun jadi lah kan? ehehehehehehe.

But I wonder how on earth can I think of shopping while I am on the race?

This txt really brighten up my gloomy day. Thanks again Bgaj! *HUGS*

How just a small gesture can make your heart smile. hee.

Oh and how I wish I live in my dream...

Viva La Vida.

No words can describe how awesome they were. Really. I wish I have an ability to go back in time to witness it again. Although I kinda know what songs they're going to play, I am still surprised and went all crazy whenever they start a new song. They're superb. True entertainers, always full with surprises. Make us all love them even more.

My favorite part? It has to be when they performed "Politik" and they continued with "Lovers in Japan" straight. Then during "Lovers in Japan", there's colorful butterflies confetti rained on us. It was the perfect moment. Perfect combination of songs. At least for me.

And I just knew how it feels like singing my heart out. I thought I knew, but I guess not until I sang "Fix You" together with them. Well, it is a tear-jerker song. I almost cried. Nasib baik tak nangis, if not malu je kot.

Actually I feel like just crying all the way. I was so happy to be there, and at the same time I was a bit sad cuz somehow I still wish that my lovely bitches were there with me. I am so glad that I can join Iqmal that nite. Thanks Iqmal, I really had fun going crazy with you XD

Its different this time, back during Muse concert, Luqman and I was seperated by the crowd. But this time? I get to watch the whole thing with a friend. Its really fun. haha.

And I have said this before, and I am going to say this again. THANK YOU babes. For the best present ever. I won't forget this. I love you guys so much, and this made me miss you babes even more. *biggest virtual hug ever*

And to all of you; Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Will Champion and Jonny Buckland, thank you for such an amazing time. I still can't believe myself that you guys were right in front of me that night, and you guys were so close! Although I had to compete with those tall people on the floor to get a good view of you guys, but its so worth it. It was a superb, amazing, awesome experience. I am so grateful that I was there, I was in the crowd watching you guys.

After years and years of waiting. At last, I can watch them live =D They'll always be my favorite.

I LOVE YOU COLDPLAY!

And this is awesome!:

One of the most beautiful moments that night =)

Issues...?

I was planning to post a post earlier this afternoon. But I couldn't find the right feeling in writing an entry. I am very lazy right now. I decided to make sure I have something posted up. So that tomorrow I'll study happily.

I hope =P

Exams are just a few weeks away. And yet here I am, wasting my time. I should start staying over at the library after classes. Probably I'm so in the mood for raya so I don't feel like studying... and I've been visiting friends all around Wellington so I have been moving around. So I choose today as the day I rest from all tiredness I get during the first few days of raya.

Plus,

I think I gained weight - or probably I worry too much. I don't know, sometimes you can feel that you gained weight right? I can feel I am getting chubbier, and heavier. And because of that too, I think I get tired easily lately. So another reason to take a day off kan? huhu.

2 nights in a row - I dreamt of food and weighing machine. The first dream was me weighing myself and freaked out after that. I gained a lot! So I woke up. With aim that I should start dieting. But yeah that term never existed in my dictionary before, so I choose to eat up the food they served instead. Raya - why should waste the opportunity to have good food? Well my idea of good raya equation is Good food + Good company + Good photo sessions wearing baju raya. So I can't start dieting. not yet. or may be never?

ah. positive thinking. I have to be positive.

I dreamt of going to Dunkin Donuts and asked for bavarian cream. In that dream, there were only 2 bavarian cream left on the rack, so I went to the counter and asked for more. And I even tell everyone who were in my dream that they can't take my donuts. Tamak okay.

This weight issues arise since Raya. I started to eat a lot now. Probably its because my period is coming. Or maybe I am just tempted all the time - again Raya how can I resist from not eating good food?

Well okay talking about food, before I forget I'd love to thank everyone who came to our open house. It feels great watching others having fun while you're the hostess. Sorry since I didn't really layan everyone there. Whenever theres too many people around it gets pretty hard for me to go around... memang tak reti sebenarnye. I can layan only a group of people at once. If not I'll get blurry and I don't know what to do after that. And to Nonie, Palie, Nana, Aqilah and Fazuin, thank you to you guys too. Kalau tak ada korang tak ada la open house tu kan.

To those who invited me to their open houses, I'd like to thank you for inviting =D. The food were awesome! that explains why I have weight issues tho =P and to those who I didn't manage to drop by, I'm sorry. That goes to TKH girls and the Manners girls. Maybe boleh raya saja2 kan? *winkwink*

Maybe later I'll post up pictures of raya, and talk more about raya in detail. For now I am going to leave it general :D huhu.

I'm done for now. Good night everyone! To Vic Uni peeps, hope the last week of classes will be fun to all of you. Good luck with the assignments due and tests! and to everyone else, have a good week ahead :D