Currently on repeat: Muse's Exogenesis Symphony Part 3 (Redemption)
Its raining outside. And I am hoping that it's going to rain all night. Because I am pretty much burned, and right now somehow I feel like trying to make an excuse not to go to work. I just wanna go somewhere, alone, and take time to absorb everything that has been happening to me for the past 5 months.
I am like a laptop that has not been turned off for months. Slow processing and overheated. I need to reboot. Maybe I should "jump-start" myself. But how? Its either I have to push myself to the edge, find a life-and-death situation for example to make me realize that I must stick with my path, or I must find the calmness in me so that I can think with a very clear mind.
Okay accidents are..nauzubillah..out of question. I am talking something like cliff diving, or sky diving.
haha merapu. I don't remember myself feeling alarmed, or refreshed about life after the bungy jump. I knew I want to do it again cuz its fun. and it's freaking awesome to be falling off. The adrenaline rush.
That left me with the latter.
But,
since there's no way out for tomorrow (how can I escape now?), let's just take time to relax for a bit. Hey, the brave don't run remember? So let's listen to this song, over and over, and don't really care much about the other things surrounding me except for the rain, and this song, and this space to express whatever I feel like expressing. I am pretending that I am all alone, and not in this area. Instead, I am at the back of my room, facing the green field, that I can imagine to be a huge lake, or a sea.
Ah, nice :)
I never thought that I'd find that the sea, the lake, or anything with wide space & water calming. I know I love fields. Green fields. I think.
Eh. Have I ever think of anything like that before?
To say that I love the jungle also may not be accurate. Actually I do, but I always associate the jungle with adventures, that's the adrenaline junkie side of me speaking. But I am also paranoid, so I know I won't be that calm in there. I love the nature's symphony though. Well, who doesn't? Before, I don't appreciate fishes. I cannot understand why people love observing them. But now, whenever I feel so messed up, I'll walk out, and try to sit in the middle of our Koi pond (there's a space there). And just observe them, then I'll feel the calmness.
But I won't be there for long, cuz after awhile I remembered frogs, snakes (possibly they're there too) and lizards.
... okay I just realized that I don't really have a place for me to find calmness. My room is one place I know, especially when it rains, or the weather is superb so when I opened the windows I feel good. But that depends on the weather, and the tidy-ness of the room. Problem for a messy person like me.
The room in Wellington is also another place. Given that the weather in Wellington is always cooling, so it's always perfect. Ala, of course we'll find calmness in a place that we think its safest for us - our room.
Okay, outside. Where?
I think I used to have one - The Botanical Garden. I like sitting there for a few hours just to clear up my mind. I have my own spot. I know there's no way a snake can sneak up and surprise me there. So maybe that's why I can feel calm.
Its raining outside. And I am hoping that it's going to rain all night. Because I am pretty much burned, and right now somehow I feel like trying to make an excuse not to go to work. I just wanna go somewhere, alone, and take time to absorb everything that has been happening to me for the past 5 months.
I am like a laptop that has not been turned off for months. Slow processing and overheated. I need to reboot. Maybe I should "jump-start" myself. But how? Its either I have to push myself to the edge, find a life-and-death situation for example to make me realize that I must stick with my path, or I must find the calmness in me so that I can think with a very clear mind.
Okay accidents are..nauzubillah..out of question. I am talking something like cliff diving, or sky diving.
haha merapu. I don't remember myself feeling alarmed, or refreshed about life after the bungy jump. I knew I want to do it again cuz its fun. and it's freaking awesome to be falling off. The adrenaline rush.
That left me with the latter.
But,
since there's no way out for tomorrow (how can I escape now?), let's just take time to relax for a bit. Hey, the brave don't run remember? So let's listen to this song, over and over, and don't really care much about the other things surrounding me except for the rain, and this song, and this space to express whatever I feel like expressing. I am pretending that I am all alone, and not in this area. Instead, I am at the back of my room, facing the green field, that I can imagine to be a huge lake, or a sea.
Ah, nice :)
I never thought that I'd find that the sea, the lake, or anything with wide space & water calming. I know I love fields. Green fields. I think.
Eh. Have I ever think of anything like that before?
To say that I love the jungle also may not be accurate. Actually I do, but I always associate the jungle with adventures, that's the adrenaline junkie side of me speaking. But I am also paranoid, so I know I won't be that calm in there. I love the nature's symphony though. Well, who doesn't? Before, I don't appreciate fishes. I cannot understand why people love observing them. But now, whenever I feel so messed up, I'll walk out, and try to sit in the middle of our Koi pond (there's a space there). And just observe them, then I'll feel the calmness.
But I won't be there for long, cuz after awhile I remembered frogs, snakes (possibly they're there too) and lizards.
... okay I just realized that I don't really have a place for me to find calmness. My room is one place I know, especially when it rains, or the weather is superb so when I opened the windows I feel good. But that depends on the weather, and the tidy-ness of the room. Problem for a messy person like me.
The room in Wellington is also another place. Given that the weather in Wellington is always cooling, so it's always perfect. Ala, of course we'll find calmness in a place that we think its safest for us - our room.
Okay, outside. Where?
I think I used to have one - The Botanical Garden. I like sitting there for a few hours just to clear up my mind. I have my own spot. I know there's no way a snake can sneak up and surprise me there. So maybe that's why I can feel calm.
this is also one example :)
Maybe I should find one here. and now the word 'should' MUST not always be used. I have to use the word MUST.
MUST get things done on time. MUST do it (ehe macam bag Niki) right, MUST give the best shot. MUST find that place. MUST stop this stupid depressing cycle. MUST stop complaining.
MUST. MUST. MUST.
and I must teach myself to be more disciplined. That is definitely what has been lacking.
Okay, I am still not bored of this song. Muse is the one of the best ever. Currently this song reflects how I'm feeling. Along with Endlessly. Haih I am such an emo girl.
This is random, but do you know that I once dreamt about them? This is during the time BDO coming up. I was so hyped up cuz they're gonna be there, up to the point I dreamt that I missed the show. It was like, I went to this 2-day music festival, and Muse is going to perform on the second day (they're the main highlight of the fest, so obviously they're gonna go last). But after the first day, I slept, and when I woke up I realized that I missed them, cuz I woke up 10 years later after that! It's like I travelled through time. I didn't even care to notice on how much everything have changed, or whether I am successful etc. I care more on how come I can miss Muse. In fact, I was really furious and frustrated.
That is how much I love them. LOL.
Okay, enough with ramblings. I should continue doing my work.
Switch to "Reality Mode".
