Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to feel, to be open and authentic. Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around you and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad. This is real life. This is how you welcome new opportunities.

I just turned 24 a week ago.

So what's my wish for myself this year?

I wish that I one day I am able to deal with my own feelings. To be able to control my emotions, and express my feelings clearly.

I know I said earlier that I am progressing. But I know I am not really there yet. Hence the aim.
You see, how I express myself is mostly through my actions. Funny, because I talk a lot! but when it comes to all of these? I become dumbfounded. I shut down. I can't even explain myself.

It'll end with communication break downs.

Even worse, sometimes yes I use words, but they're just like layers to hide how I really feel.  This was at first a defense mechanism that I somehow created, and after that, I just can't take it off of me.

So it is safe to say that, most of the times people think they get me? But they actually don't. But I can't explain myself so I will end up getting angry at myself for not being able to tell them how I really feel.

Although yes, actions speaks louder than words. But they won't be as loud if they were not supported by words. If you get what I mean. They still can be misinterpreted as they're vague.

Often I miss out so many chances and opportunities because of this too.

Sometimes I wonder why is it so difficult for me to be in touch with this part of myself. What am I really afraid of? Maybe first I have to find the root of all these problems. And try to find solutions from there.

Slowly I can do this. Because this time? I am tired of being misjudged just because I blew up and make it seem like I'm overreacting. Or tired with the fact that I can't even stand up for myself . I am tired of not being able to confront people.

And especially I am tired of loving someone secretly, which I can only express a little bit that its almost seem like I don't even care or I took them for granted. I am tired of wishing and hoping that one day, him/her will see all of it through the things I do or how I reacted to them. Cuz let's face it, they won't. Even if they do, they will still question my actions as they are still open to interpretation, and pretty much confusing.

Our days are numbered. I don't want to be left behind having the regret of not telling people how much I love them. And I don't want to leave the world with this kind of secret, you know?

So yeah.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.