Heartless.

Crying is one way for me to let it all out, especially when I feel so sad... or stressed out... or angry. When I feel so emotional.

Somehow that makes me feel better.

Last year was the year that I cried a lot. I even cried in public, in front of many people...tak malu kan.. but actually it is rare for me to burst out like that in front of many people. Unless they're close friends and family. Ah I guess I was too vulnerable then; I went through a lot of things and most of them were emotionally challenging. I can't help myself but to have breakdowns along the way.

But things were so much different this year. I mean there are not many things that stuffing me up.

Okay I lied.

Yes, there are not many things that I have to do involving responsibilities on other people. This time it's more like a "Me-Year". Which led to me having mixed feelings... on a lot of important things to me that I have think about.

and it sucks when these stuff bother me too much. I find it really hard to concentrate on other things that I really have to do. I have exams soon. So I have to study and I definitely cannot afford to waste any more time. But that's the thing, I got easily distracted whenever this topic came up. To the extent that it is spoiling my mood to do anything for the next few days.

and it sucks even more when I feel so lost and I just don't know what to do next. I wish everything is so certain. So I know what is going to happen next and I don't have to bother myself wondering and worrying whether I can cope. Being a weak person that I am, I get so stressed out because of all these. and I also get so emotional.

At times like these, I feel crying would help. But yeah, here comes the suck-iest part; I can't. I just can't. For quite a long time. Long enough for me.

So a few nights ago I had one of those weird dreams.And this dream ended with me in tears.

I woke up, but I wasn't crying. My eyes were not all teary (is there such word?) too.

Okay, I know. It is just a dream. But that's the thing... I was hoping and waiting for that to happen.

To be honest, I actually miss crying.

*sigh*

Sometimes I wonder, how is this possible? Why? Is it because I cried too much last year?

And sometimes I feel like I am losing my emotions. Like I am becoming heartless.

Ah, maybe I will. Soon. I can't just force myself on these kind of stuff.

Okay, I should stop. I have to continue studying. Which I should do hours ago. And I haven't started anything. Geez...

Oh what I feel like doing right now:

Cliff diving.

It looks fun, and dangerous as I am not a good swimmer. But I feel it is going to help myself to wake up and face the reality.

I really need a wake up call. Cuz right now I find myself enjoying the time in Pixie Hollow.

I am still wishing that I am living in Neverland.