I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there.

Currently listening to John Mayer's In Repair

So I guess everyone has their very own version of "NegaScott". Ever heard of it? Go check out Scott Pilgrim the movie/comics, or you just wiki him out if you haven't. 

So lately, especially for the past week, I think I am in my "NegaFarah" mode. To say I wasn't myself is not completely correct. I am aware of what I have been doing - neglected my job, say whatever I want which actually hurting my family; in fact I think I was being so kurang ajar to my parents, wasting my time doing basically nothing (well, almost cuz there are times I feel nice so I made bubur chacha, helped my parents trim the shrub, accompany mom for grocery shopping, send/pick my brother from his golf practice etc) and to be honest? I can't seem to be bothered by my actions - not to say I enjoyed myself being the "NegaFarah" nor ended up feeling sucky and full of regret. Maybe yes there's a slight of regret but apart from that? I just feel like it's nothing. I feel a bit numb. And confused at the same time?

All I know is that I was, or still am just feeling so angry at everything. 

Then earlier today, I stumbled upon this post by a friend. I have a few friends who write stuff that left me feeling like I just got slapped. They are more like wake-up calls. It's not that I don't know about them, I do. Its just that I keep on forgetting those important points of life. Or I can say that I have been ignoring the senses in me. 

I have 11 months to go, and with all these nonsense I don't know if I can reach the target by the end of the year. I am still in this cycle, never got out of it in the first place. 

And I stumbled upon a blog, and the owner, who is about our age I think, is battling cancer. Then I remembered those who are suffering right now, in Cairo, Australia, even here in Malaysia. 

I see some are using their blogs to help people. 

People out there are making a change for the world. And here I am unleashing the "NegaFarah". 

Maybe its true, that those who are still weak shouldn't be making the resolutions. 

*sigh* but to realize my own mistake is a step yes?

I am still keeping to my plan. Or prolly make a small change to it. This year? I have to grow up. I have to set things right for myself first, then I can decide on doing other things, for people. 

So now, let's get back on track. Starting with work - it's not that I hate my job, well I don't. I hope I won't though.