Saying I love you.

tonight I've been listening to Snow Patrol's Signal Fire.
over and over.

emo mode.

haha.

Snow Patrol - Signal Fire

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
="color: rgnd was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I don't want to wait forever (x2)

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,
No I don't want to wait forever (x3)

Called Atok last night, just to hear her voice.
She seems okay. Healthier I guess.

Thats the good part.

But when she started to ask when I'm coming back, well its actually nothing with the Q but it kinda distracts me.

She's expecting me to be home at the end of the year. Well, I am going back.
But thats the thing, I'm afraid she might not be there when I'm in Malaysia.

Its hard to make assumptions.

When she was tenat, the doctor told my family that she won't live long.

That was last year, when she was really sick. My mom called me and said that I might not see her when I get back last year.

But Alhamdulillah, I sempat.

Then the doctor said she may tahan for another few months.

And this is her sixth month,and she still lives.

I hope she will until I come back.

I may sound selfish. You know, in a way she's suffering. Altho she doesn't know what exactly the sickness is, but she knows she won't live long.

She knows she's dying.

So..yeah I may sound selfish.

But at the same time she really wants to see me. She even said she wanted to pay for my tambang to go back.

I just wish I can see her one more time before she passed away.

...at least I want to be there with her on the last moments of her life.

and I want to tell her how much I love her.

but being the person who doesn't know how to express the feelings to people directly, I always failed to say the word "Farah sayang atok" when I was on the phone with her.

Its really hard to even say "I Love You" to my parents or my bros.

camne nak cakap kat atok?

kat orang lain..lagi lah.

haha.

I miss you Atok. and I love you.